Nam, Wishing you and the baby the best.
**

Today's horrendous! It makes me feel angry beyond belief that an abuser and guy that's been dead for now 15 yrs. still at times has the power to sicken, cripple me emot. and make me feel so miserable I don't know what to do with myself, and or with those I love.

Hurt, frustrated, bewildered and angry today and can't figure out and truly remember for the life of me that on any given day I might just be stricken ill, and unable to function. I hate this PTSD thing so f'n badly. ......I hate it! ......I hate it! ......I hate it! It just hurts too much and lasts too, too long.
grrrrrr................ouch!

OK I am SOOOO not beating myself up for my meds today!!!! My dauhter I called is a young teen. I call to see how she is thinking I can handle her stupid shit today as well on my full dose. Wrong! Well, mom I just got done coloring my hair purple, green, and gold... Any one recognize those colors??? Mardis Gras!!! Galveston, has always done this like New Orleans. Not as huge as a hoopla but still pretty huge and just as crazy. Apparently they are already in Galveston with a friends aunt. I swear if I could have yanked her skinny ass through the phone I would have! So this is where she is going to get her example of women as a whole? Years of trying to teach her to be a respectful young lady is heading out the window at lighting speeds being with her dad... Who of course said sure go... FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND! A teen at Mardi Gras for the weekend. She swears it is the kids version (she would never go for kids version I know her). No such thing, yes they try to have family oriented days but nightlife is so different. And still you have a ton of drunk fools. My ex before the move was GCSD and he said it was a nightmare when he had to go work the extra patrol. I had a friend when I was a kid get stabbed by a bottle when he went. Who in their right mind lets a kid do Mardis Gras??? For those who do not kow what it is run a search for Mardi Gras Pics! I am pissed I am beyond pissed. I am shaking all over!!!! I swear to God my her father could not even shit half a brain if he tried. His only daughter. So he can have a free weekend. What? Andrea Yates not available for baby sitting? (Local next to where my daughter lives that drowned her 5 kids for those not in the US) I swear every damn time I call she tops her self. I feel like the side of my head is about to blow out.

Just pray she keeps her flipping shirt on and not drunk or end up in a bad place because of her dad's total lack of supervision. Fine he wants her to go. Fine then go with her and hold the little wild child's hand!!!! STUPID FCKER! But she has been busted sneaking out and drinking before so no trust in her to stay put when the night falls and every frigging perv from all of the SE Texas descends on this yearly blow out. I want to call that asshole but I can't. I HATE HIM!

oh veiled, praying for her to be safe. and for you to be calm. i am a "mommy worrier" myself, lol.
cathy

ya' veiled me too....like cookie. Prayer! I'll ask my daughter for real, to say a prayer for your daughter, a young teen, who though my daughter doesn't know, needs prayers for safety. I'll tell her I'm acquainted with her mother and she loves her daughter and is afraid for her.

Because that is a more than difficult situation and you have every right to be angry as all hell. And, the fear perfectly understandable. OMG

I'll ask my 7 yr. old to say this prayer, bc she loves to pray. She says her supper prayer, 4x, every morning she say's a hello God and good morning prayer and she is presently teaching me a beautiful prayer evenings. Though I have distrust issues galore', I still happen to still completely believe that God hears and responds to the faithful sincerity of children's prayers. It's just a personal belief, not to be imposed upon or argued by anyone.

Sorry veiled for the enorm. stress your under.

Thank you both so much, very appreciated! I have not been able to stay awake for more than an hour or two at a time today so I think it has drained me.

What has me swamped.......up until today, little to nothing, otherwise I would have briefly expressed it and gotten it out',........so again what has me swamped? i have me swamped, struggling with self, and with both physical turmoil and cigg. craving / obsession and addiction. There are many who can still smoke, if so.......I recommend you keep smoking them as long as you can.........I on the other cannot continue with this addiction, it's too far progressed......and I'm not speaking of the amount or quantity of smokes consumed, rather I'm speaking of the effects it's having all across the board...........feel very uncomfortable tonight in my own skin and unhappy with myself.

...taking a break'

did some one give you a smoke ,, even tho they knew you were trying to quit ,,, why you otta kick there butt ,, ,, kepp trying to quit ,, ,, ,, I'm trying to do the same ,, ,, ,,Beatle

Physically feel awful. Mentally can't think for beans tonight. Got some awful news today. A letter came back from the insurance Co. of the blasting Co. that blasted beside our house last Dec. The letter reads that the blasting couldn't possibly have damaged our house. Now $10,000.+ dollars damage later, it's our loss. It's all complete BS, and I am afraid to talk, feel, comment on anything surrounding this, bc I'm trying once again to keep the cigg's down, and even thinking of this subject makes me feel real angry, and more anxious and irritable. I have nicotine in my body from the losenge and gum and yet, I still feel like I'm losing my f'n mind.

This is so scary for me. I've told myself I'm going to suffer it out no matter what, but now I'm really scared that I won't be able to, bc apparently I've been relying so heavily upon cigg's to treat and minimize PTSD symptoms over many yrs. Now I can't turn back to the alcohol, I can't turn back to the food, I'm scared sh'tless of the mental health system, I've spent all the money in the last few yrs. that I possible can spend for relief........there's nothing left, and I just can't think without that drug, keep up any pretense, and fear I won't be able to continue to heal as I have been.

Desperately need drugs :drugs: . Have been reading about pot, and wish there was bags of it lying around the house tonight. Even though I hated that sh't, as I must have always smoked the stuff that was laced or something, bc I always felt like I was tripping on it, always felt completely alone watching a surround sound film, and everyone else was real. Have never been much into drugs, but certainly loved alcohol at one time in my life, unfortunately that fond memory goes back about twenty + yrs. And, the binge drinking I did in my twenties, I didn't enjoy any of that.

Just feeling and knowing I've got mush for brains tonight. Yuck!

Goingonhope... I'm sorry about the bad news :( It's crap.

The pot thing is experiences I had a lot when I was on it daily. Once someone spoke to me and because my eyes were shut I thought they couldn't see me, and I wasn't really there so I just ignored them. Felt very similar to when I space out.

What's swamping my day? Bad news too. A letter from the complaints department for the British Psychological Society telling me for the third time the the response by the psych concerned has been delayed. Reckons he's still getting legal advice, after 4 weeks (my ar*e!). He's being investigated for negligence by failing to report abuse 5 and a half years ago when he told me he had (I know he didn't, there is proof). So, another week of hell, and expecting the worst badmouthing from him when I eventually do get it. My uni. are pushing me to suspend my studies and re-do the year next year too. Bad day all round. Not coping well, feel like I'm about to freak out big time.

I hate today.

Do wish things came easier, or that life was easier. If I had my way, there would be no TV, no electronics, (except for a secret private comp. of my own), there would be little to no furniture, belong., clutter of any kind, no mail solicitations ect., no knowledge of any phone # for anyone to call.......

......Our family could live, with just enough food, with love and interest in each other, and maybe some educ. material, and nothing else other than the very basics.

It would be easier to clean, far easier to live, priorities and values would shift and become evident, and life would be not so darn' overwhelming.

FEELING OVERWHELMED RIGHT NOW ! ...yesterday was surprisingly mostly a breeze, much joy, some pain, so forth, but few worrisome PTSD symptoms.

Today, I woke with Anxiety, and experienced and could see my panic escalating. Can feel it in my chest, in my shakes, in my jumpiness, in the anger just below my surface and in fear and knowledge, that I could snap easily today. I contribute all this to recent triggers in the news, movies, people ect.

Did do a chunk of sharing the other day, but it didn't really hit the following day, and this surprised me much. Yesterday, I felt so positive, and for a period felt so much like a success.

Today I'm going to want to hold onto that positive attitude despite my symptoms, despite the work load in front of me, despite myself and how my mind is trained to continuously fall into faulty thinking traps and rip myself off. Will be searching today for ways, to just simply be good to myself, and those around me, to ease the stress, to pitch in, encourage and help keep down my husb.'s stress, too, the best I can.

And, none of this comes easy for the time being, nor do I suspect I'm alone in just plain feeling alone, in my work and responsib., right now and very much overwhelmed. ......And, now a little less so, now that I shared this and vented some.