Okay i really need to vent about this coz nobody else seems to listen....
For the past few weeks things have been rather good mentally for me, ive had hardly any emotional blow ups, flashbacks, nightmares or anxiety attacks....Ive been a little sick physically for about the past year and half with most doc's just saying its simply anxiety, finally a few weeks back my new doc did some bloodtests to check if its not anything else, and it turns out i have high white blood cells, so she referred me to a Haemotologist whom i saw yesterday and i get told that it could possibly be Leukaemia or Hodgkins Lymphoma! Talk about scary, i collapsed in the waiting room after my consultation and could not stop crying(this is all before i told my mum who was with me what id just found out). And now i gotta go have some special bloodtests tomorrow, and a CT scan on Friday, then wait 4 weeks for the results! I seriously dont know what to do, it just seems theres one bad thing after another, and people wonder why im so damn pessimistic! Argh!!!!!!

I'm tired and emotionally drained. One person died Friday from cancer and was a neighbor, the other man died of a heart attack was a coworker from the company my husband and I worked for and retired from. Both died really within hours of one another. The funerals were today. My anxiety was literally palpable. I forced myself to get dressed and go and now that it's all over with I'm very glad I did. Yes, it was very sad but one thing I noticed is that people focused on the funny stories and humourous aspects of the persons life. I really like that. We need to laugh even in death. We grieve for them and will miss them and how much our friendships meant. But in the end we will be gone one day too so I'm going to make a point to laugh more and to laugh at myself more.

When I got into the car, I turned on the radio and a song came on that was so "on target" and it was an old rock 'n' roll song from the sixties (The Lovin Spoonful) and it reminded me of so many things. I then broke down, I cried and cried and then I laughed at myself for crying. It was like a release valve. Letting off steam of the day, being very formal and somber and the whole scene of families weeping and children bewildered. At some time or another I've been each one of them. We are one another, we bear one anothers pains. We reflect this in our living and in our dying.

I took a chance, drove to my husband's work and said I needed him to spend the day with me. We hopped into the car, went out for lunch, went to a movie and then got ice cream for a treat afterward. It's spring here and the flowers are really blooming and new green is on the trees and ground and it was a gorgeous display and sunny day. We lived for the moment and I made that effort instead of going home and crawling into a bed to retreat from death. It was another step in a good direction even though I'm still so sad for my friend's families.

Love, map9

It's a beautiful mornin', Ahhh,
I think I'll go outside a while,
An jus' smile.
Just take in some clean fresh air, boy!
Ain't no sense in stayin' inside
If the weather's fine an' you got the time.
It's your chance to wake up and plan another brand new day.
Either way,
It's a beautiful mornin', Ahhh,
Each bird keeps singin' his own song.
So long!
I've got to be on my way, now.
Ain't no fun just hangin' around,
I've got to cover ground, you couldn't keep me down.
It just ain't no good if the sun shines
When you're still inside,
Shouldn't hide, still inside, shouldn't hide,
Ahhhh..Oh! (shouldn't hide) Ah, ah, Oh.....
--------------
(Do, do, Waaa) (Do, do, Waaa)
------------
There will be children with robins and flowers;
Sunshine caresses each new waking hour.
Seems to me that the people keep seeing
More and more each day, gotta say, lead the way,
It's okay, wednesday, thursday, it's okay,
(Ahhh) monday, wednesday, friday, weekday, Ah, Ah, Ohhh.
---------

Today has felt like nothing short of an experience in hell. And, it's been all the harder to accept this bc it's the day before Easter.

Have been a nervous wreck all day. In all the noise, confusion, bickering between kids, bc one had a playdate and the other didn't. With the demand and expectation placed upon me that "We Absolutely MUST" cut, change and re-wire new cables on another wall and then move our shrunk with all its contents, incl. the tv and all that dust, to the other wall, .........and we MUST do it today, bc of the BS lame excuse was: if we don't it will never get done.

Again with all this, I truly thought I might die right there and then amidst all this work, which by the way felt like slavery. My PTSD cup had overflown prior to all this work, what with all the negative thinking and behaviors all around me.....and I just couldn't get away. I was being pushed over my edge time and again, and even though I was in a state of anxiety, tears, and panic it was thought to be nothing but "inappropriate" and a "burden" and "my fault", for the longest of time.

Quite honestly I think I could be on my dying bed and still be expected to do something more.

Why the hell did we have to do any of this today. :boxem: Maybe, I'm a bit nuts, but as far as I'm concerned the day before Easter and given all the many, varied circumstances and needs today, today simply was not the day for this. I am hurt and angry... ....OMG....it felt like punishment or cruelty, as I am not exaggerating when talking about the emotional wrecked condition I was in by 11am this morning, and still expected to take on an enormous project, and that was just what was expected throughout the kids commotion and prior to the rest of this day's respons. and expect. are to be met.

:cussing: ...a gnashing of teeth sort of day !

...maybe tommorrow will be better...

There done.....

Well, I'll start with last Thursday. My husband goes into work. This business is owned by my son and we helped him to get it started, up and running four years ago out of a spare bedroom in his house. I love my son but he is not exactly the brightest bulb in the box. It was left up to good old mom and dad to foot last minute bills, fend off the salesmen and keep the place clean and stacks of paper work in order. All the while my son was/is sleeping til noon and would mosey in about 2 pm and leave before dark. Basically, the entire business would have never gotten off the ground if my husband and I had not stepped in dozens of times to fix his screw ups. Now, after all the hard work and sleepness nights and sacrifice it's grown to several offices in three locations and a dozen employees. On Thursday my son calls everyone into the main office. Either sign this document or your fired. My husband refused to sign and cited the law to my son that what he was doing was illegal. My son's wife basically went ballistic. Cursed him out and told him he was fired. She does not have that authority and he told her so. She has not been married to my son but a few months, has a history of drug use and abuse and has lost custody of her child because of it, she is unfortunately a gold digger and is pilfering away the profits. My husband pointed out the discrepancies and lies that he was being told. A big row started and he said he would solve the problem by quitting. I am so shocked and then that turned to frustration and that turned into anger and that turned to hurt.

Then on Friday a friend of mine lost her 39 year old son to a massive stroke. Then the next day my husband's friend and boyhood pal was in the attic working on his heating and air conditioner unit, a beam broke and he fell through the ceiling twelve feet down to a concrete floor breaking his back in three places. Then my daughter called and told me she was nearly two months behind on her health insurance and could I please pay it for her. By the way, my husband and I don't even have insurance because we could no longer afford the escalating monthly premiums.

I was about to snap over the Easter week end. I was fretful, worried, sick at heart and sometimes just plain mad. I snapped at my husband and was not fit to be around. This is not me. My nerves were shot. Then my cousin called and said a tether wire to her 30 foot tower broke and it smashed through her skylight and roof. It cut her off from her internet service and it's basically her lifeline to everyone and her hobby of genealogy.

Then another friend called and said she had blocked arteries and would have to have an operation.

By this time I'm fit to be tied or just tied up in knots. All I can do is pray and put all this in the hands of a much higher power. My heart is breaking over the loss of my cat and then this series of awful events in the little circle of friends and family that I cherish and love. It's like "What else can happen?" but I don't even want to think about that and tempt fate.

So, it's not been a very good Easter and on top of everthing else it was 27 degrees and we live in the deep south where the last time it was that cold on Easter Sunday was 1851.

Sign me frozen in angst. Love, map9

Holy crap. Now I'm used to getting swamped with crap all at once, and all I can say is HOLY CRAP.

I think you need to shut off you phone so people will stop calling you with bad news. Go and hide for awhile.

I'm really sorry to hear about your son, the gold digging wife, your husband, the hurt and the finances.

I can't offer more than that. Hang in there (and go and hide for a bit!)

*hugs*

bec

Hi Bec, Thanks so much for the reply, I REALLY appreciate it. I kind of felt overwhelmed. There are times when I actually feel like I'm going to zone out. Putting it into perspective for me helps me to realize that it's very normal for anyone to be in an emotional crisis during all these simultaneous events. For someone like me it's rather like granny's elastic in her underwear ... it has lost it's ability to snap back after being streched to the max. I'm taking my time, haven't been out much except to go get groceries and rent some videos. Hey, at least I haven't lost my weird sense of humor. LOL. Love and Hugs, map9

PS By the way, can you (or anyone on the forum) explain what that is or that might shed some light on this for me. The "zoning out" bit. For example I'll be doing something, say writing a note for me to pick up laundry detergent. I'll pick up the pen, start part of the word and BLANK nothing happens, then many minutes later (or hours) I "wake up" and continue on. Is this what is called a fugue state? I don't know if I spelled that correctly or not.

I am beating myself up because I feel like I have been having a really bad mommy week. It started over the weekend with extreme anxiety that lasted into Wednesday after starting my new beta-blocker medicine. Now it is just down to moderate anxiety. But the anxiety killed my immune system, as always, and now I have a nasty head cold. With all this going on I feel like I am being the worst mommy to my four children. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday they spent half the day with a friend of mine - mainly so I could go to appointments to get my new meds. When I have been with them I don't have the energy to be with them and can't stand for them to actually touch me. I'm grouchy and feel like I am walking around with my temper at the end of a very tight rope. It is just killing me right now to be like this and I am expanding energy feeling sorry for myself with regard to being a mommy, that could be better used and refocused on getting better.

Peace

Map, that is a form of dissassociaton. I do it all the time! I will forget where I am and what I'm doing or how long I've been there. It can be very unerving to find you've lost hours to blankness! I've learned when it's going to hit (usually when I've been doing too much) and will go play video games for a few hours to zone out on. I zone on and off all day long, but they are more like 10 to 15 minutes at a time. Try to find something that you can do mindlessly and go do it when you think your going to zone out! It helps and you learn to recognize it.

Here's this to read: What Is Dissociation?
I know there is more on it here, just not awake enough to find it! This is completely normal for us ptsd'ers!

Here is what a fugue state is:

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


For the New York City-based publisher, see Fugue State Press.

In the field of psychology, a fugue state is usually defined by the term dissociative fugue. It is etiologically related to dissociative amnesia (which in popular culture is usually simply called amnesia, the state where someone completely forgets who they are).

A fugue state is therefore similar in nature to the concept of dissociative identity disorder (DID) (formerly called multiple-personality disorder) although DID is widely understood to have its conception in a long-term life event (such as a traumatic childhood), where sufficient time is given for alternate personality representations to form and take hold. Sudden neurological damage would thus seem to fit more closely the onset of a fugue state.

As the person experiencing a fugue state may have recently suffered an amnesic onset - perhaps a head trauma, or the reappearance of an event or person representing an earlier life trauma - the emergence of a "new" personality seems to be for some, a logical apprehension of the situation.

Therefore, the terminology fugue state may carry a slight linguistic distinction from dissociative fugue, the former implying a greater degree of motion. For the purposes of this article then, a fugue state would occur while one is acting out a dissociative fugue.

The DSM-IV defines Dissociative Fugue as:

* sudden, unexpected travel away from home or one's customary place of work, with inability to recall one's past,
* confusion about personal identity, or the assumption of a new identity, or
* significant distress or impairment.

The Merck Manual [1] defines Dissociative Fugue as:

One or more episodes of amnesia in which the inability to recall some or all of one's past and either the loss of one's identity or the formation of a new identity occur with sudden, unexpected, purposeful travel away from home.


So nope! Not a fugue state! LOL

bec

I too did a search after I left the forum and found some really interesting articles. I agree, it's disassociation for sure. Another symptom I didn't mention because I was ashamed of it, was like I was vibrating. It's like shaking but at a much higher frequency. Basically this all harkens back to suppression, having to continue on regardless of trauma and appear as if all is well. If I knew when it was going to come on I would sit down. Sometimes I don't realize I'm doing it though. Only my daughter or my mother (God rest her soul) recognized when I was drifting away or was just "not there" as my daughter would say. In an article I read it was like a coping mechanism gone wrong. Many thanks for your tips bec I appreciate it. Love, map9

Ok well today and yesterday was nuts, we are all sick in the house except the husband, My son has strep throat, I have it and so does my 2 year old daughter. So we are all sick which means, no work, no school, no daycare. It also means that I don't have the energy to clean or cook, leaving that up to my husband so the house is dirty and we are starving (ok that was a little sarcastic) but true. Damn, it is hard to believe that my life is working and trying to fix problem's all day, I mean a huge part of my work as a project manager is problem solving, which is hilarious considering I have been running away from my personal problems for years!