Ok, so we continue to get somewhere... you feel as though an unexpected problem or situation that is confusing you stops your path of life at present. You believe you should be vigorous, healthy and growing, yet this sudden problem or situation is an issue that you can get around, but must deal with.

What do you feel this unexpected problem or situation is?

I know what it is. That in 2005 after at least a year of living (existing in despair) with a husand who had changed from a fun loving, happy, loving man into a totally withdrawn, angry, cruel man. I made the step, moved out and started a life by myself. I was very strong and happy. My husband had become my worst nightmare...the same kind of person as my mother had been. He had a break-down, sought treatment, went on medication, and woo-ed me back again. We bought a beautiful house together again and lived quite OK until Aug 06 when he went off his meds. Once again he slowly but surely has turned into the withdrawn, angry man. My beautiful daugher, being almost 16 now wants nothing to do with him and spends as long away from the house as she can (she is just up the road so I know she is safe) and the other 2 obviously feel it too. He told me over Xmsa that he couldn't go on like this and that I had to change so that the kids and I didn't stress him out so much. He refuses to see that it is him and not us. I capitulated and was pretty lost for about a month trying to please him and make it all better, but no-one can live by inflexible, unrealistic RULES. Went to counsellor last week and she made me strong again...it is not me, I do not cause this to happen. Now I have told him that he needs to fix himself up or move out in May (when our rental house is vacant). So my rock is having to live like this until at least May, and living with a thing that used to be my husband, who is like a monster who looks like him.....and thinking of all the logistical nightmare of having to separate again....maybe sell another house and move again....all that. I know I CAN do it.....I just don't want to. I want my old W back, the loving kind husband, and for us to be a happy family. But now with all the resentment I have I truly do not think that will ever be possible. I am still dealing with anger and resentment at my mother and now I've got the anger and resentment at him over the top....amazing I can still function. Work is my sanctuary and I keep busy taking kids to sports etc....I just want this to be over and to feel alive again.

Great work Lee... very good to see. Before that rock, there is another obstacle, what is it and please describe it?

This is so wierd. It is a little kitten. A little greay kitten like the one we lost in 2005 (which I think triggered W's really bad depression and withdrawal the first time).....but we had that cat for 13 years, he was the same age as our eldest daughter. He was mauled by 3 dogs next door and W saw him at the vet before he died. It is not him though...or maybe it's him but as a kitten. This one is really cute and kind of cheeky....he was big and tough. He wants me to pick him up and take him with me.

Lee, is the kitten pleasant, or unpleasant? What would you do with the kitten, being how would you treat it?

The kitten is cute and adorable with intelligent eyes. When I look into it's eyes I know that the two of us are soul mates and that we can commuicate non verbally and that this kitten was meant to go on my journey with me. I pick it up and it snuggles into me, purring, as I continue on twoards the picket fence.

Lee, would it be more accurate to then say, that maybe you want someone to pick you up, to caress you, care for you, support you and generally take care of you emotionally? Likely from your partner?

Yes, I think that you are spot on Anthony. I went to see counsellor today and she said that a lot of my problems stem from having a very poor self esteem, and I thought that I had very high self esteem. I always present well, have great kids, a lovely house, a good job...I have achieved lots n my life and career, but because of my early abuse by Mother am left with very poor self esteem and as W is my only support network, I place lots of pressure on him to love me unconditionally and if I sense any form of rejection I freak out....and I block him out or treat him in a 'snooty' way....I guess you'd put it. This then triggers him to block me out and treat me in an angry and aggresive way and so on and so on. We are both going to see her tomorrow to try and work thu some stuff. Thaks, you have been a great support.

Do you see that revolving cycle you mentioned Lee? Your low self esteem makes you feel dependant upon him, thus you demand from him... where if you work towards improving your self esteem, you would be functional as an individual, and instead of being demanding within your relationship, you would simply be best friends, which is the idea of a relationship, to simply be best friends, be there for one another, but not depend on the other, instead stand on your own two feet, and them also, then you come together to stand as one.

How do I even start to do that ? As I said I thought I had good self esteem. I have everything that I could ever have wished to have at my time in life....I feel that I have been a success in many, many ways. Only that now my relationship with W is trashed.