:dont-know As I browse briefly through some of the stories and threads posted by others my sense is I don't belong here. These people are in pain and have had horrible events in their lives. Things that I could never imagine. Yet through it all I must realize that I too have PTSD. Except no one knows why I have it. I remember basically nothing with clarity until around age 23. To accept the fact that I remember nothing of the birth of my child. It is and always has been a source of upset to me. To know that I was married and had a wedding is a question? It happened--I've got pictures! High school graduation, got the diploma and I know I attended the ceremony-no memory of even being there. My sisiter was born when I was 10, this is a totally blank event in my life. I know I have a sister but that"s about it. These are major life events and they produce no memories what so ever. Over the years my answer to any problem is to run, leave or just simply ignore issues. I did it through drugs. I did it through alchohal I now have a child that will not acknowledge my existance. While she has all the right in the world to feel the way she does, it still hurts. I am extremely lukcy that nothing I did caused any real physical harm to my child- at least I don't think it did. However, the emotional scares suffered by this child are extreme. She is now 37 and I have no idea where she is or even if she is. This is my pain to bear, not hers. Letting go of the guilt is something I have been unalbe to do, and probably won't un til I know that she is at least alive and doing ok. Is this the cause of my PTSD? I've been diagnosed with the depression, agoraphobia, panic attacks/anxiety disorder and 1 MD said I also had OCD. There is an intense family history of mental illness with almost everyone having varying degrees from sel.f medication to shcok treatments. Aunts, Uncles,and cousins. To the best of our calculation this goes back to my grandfather on my mothers side. At age 50-like me-stress pushed him over the edge. He never worked another day the rest of his life. Spent years in a cabin at their lake all by himself. I would have no human contact these days if I wasn't respnosible for the condition of my mother. She is well, living on her own and sharp mentally. She has post polio symdrome and needs me for any and all transportation and shopping, etc. She does not physically get around very well. but that is really her only problem. She has been a tower of stregnth and support through my ordeal and still is. She educated hersefl as best she could about my illnesses and is extremely careful not to push me or cause undo stress to me. Again I stress how lucky I am compared to others in this forum It has caused me to realize that my "stuff" although it is important to me, in the grand scheme of things it is rather minor. I just need to accept the fact that I may never know the real cause of my PTSD. I do however, actually feel guilty participating in this forum because I am not in the same class of pain as some of these people. I understand their pain and their dificults with life. I have everything they have ---just the guilt of NO REASON WHY I can't go out when ever I want. It can take me days to jst go to the store for milk. I have no visitors to my home and if by chance someone shows up I do not invite them in. If they have to come in I do not ask them to sit down and I wtand with them the entire time they are there. Can't deal with anyone in my safe space. Through my years of therapy I have been able to acquire places I can go. It's called my safe zone. One certain gas station, Walmart and the same doctors offices. That is the extent of my world. So this is my world, my story and my life guys. Thanx for listening and any imput you may have Hercules 3of 4--hercules is the 3rd cat I got out of my four cats I have:hello:

That is really scary! Most people here know their demons. But yours are a mystery to you. From reading in this forum... I understand that you PTSD will not go away. You have to face it head on and slowly learn how to keep it somewhat "controlled". I hope with time, you will be able to expand your safe space to include more places. Wishing you some peace of mind! ~Norma

Herc, I would like you to do a mental imagery diary, if you don't mind, because I believe we can help trigger those hidden and suppressed memories. See how much pain your missing out on shall we? For you to heal and manage PTSD, you must know what your dealing with, so lets see what we can find.

Hello Herk,
Hay, trauma is trauma, pain is pain. Yours may be different but its no less valid. I'm new here too. Its kind of a new experience I think you'll find here, its called, "Acceptance". Good fortune in your journey and I'm glad you are here.
Take gentle care of yourself,
Marilyn

Just a note to say hope you are doing OK!

I feel the need to enter more info into my diary but not sure if it is the correct thing to do at this stage in my mess. Anthony wants me to do some mental imagery but I must confess that it scares the hell out of me and have pretty much refused to do it.

There is an incident in my life that "I" have chosen to ignore 99% og the time and did not mention to anyone, ever. A period in my life I would rather be able to forget or block out of my mind. Unfortunately, this is the one thing that I do remember and quite vividly I might add.

I was dating a fellow and as usual with me I decided to live with him before getting to know him very well. You would think afer years of poor choices in men I would have learned my lesson, but NO I chose to do it again. Late 1 evening we were argueing about something ????? when out of the blue, he picked me up and threw me across the room(Not an easy task since I am 6 feet tall and 185lbs) but he did it. He then jumped on top of me, pinning my shoulders on the floor and proceeded to choke me. It is true that your life flashes through your mind. I instantly thought about my daughter and how she would never know what happened to me. I have no idea why he let me go, but he did.

He picked me up and did what they all do--Oh honey I'm sorry I'll never hurt you again! Well, spent the night not sleeping in bed next to him. Went to work the next morning, saw a co worker and fell completely apart. Told my story and proceeded to go to the local police station, had him arrested and put in jail. Followed through with the court date and he got a 30 day suspended sentence which left him free to stalk me and stalk me and stalk me. This was in 1980 before stalking laws were available so finally my company transfered me. End of story I guess. He found me once by phone and call me at work which did send me screaming from my job, but never heard from him again and the ironic part of this is I CAN NOT REMEMBER HIS NAME---only the event and his face

Hi herc, I hope it's okay for me to post in your diary, if not just tell me to get lost! I would totally understand that. :p

I understand about not wanting to do the mental imagery, I have done three total, basically one every 3 months, first one in January. The very first one was very hard, even though I haven't heard the results yet. I totally understand your apprehension. It can be pretty intense, even just have the images in your head. But I've tried to tell myself it's worth it.

Wow are you ever tall, I am envious, you could be a model! I am barely 5'1". I'm sorry such a shit thing happened to you and that you didn't get the proper support from the authorities (big surprise there...), but going to the police was so brave of you, you should really give yourself credit for that.

Anyways just wanted to say hi here, take care.

Herc, I sure hope you don't mind that I am posting in here. You have as much right to be here as anyone else. I think you have terrible pain and to not remember the source, that is so scary, you must be petrified to remember. I think that if Anthony thinks he can help you with "Mental Imagery" you should put your toe in the water at least, you have to want to remember. I think that my demons are far less than yours as at least mine have a face. I wish you well with the courage to embark on your journey and hope you start the healing process soon.
(((Hugs)))
T.

Herc,

Not remembering, remembering only partial things can be so rough. It lets your imagination try to fill in the blank spots of memory. It can also be frustrating when you know something is there, you can almost touch it, but it's just beyond your reach. I've found it very easy to beat myself up for not being able to remember big chunks of my initial trauma.

When I spoke with you face to face in April, you gave me a really good piece of advice that your therapist had given to you. It went along the lines of 'Don't worry about what you can't remember, don't beat yourself up for it. Work on what you can remember and deal with that'. I never thanked you for that, but I am now.

Keep pluggin away, hon.

Lisa

Herc, nobody can force you into anything you don't want to do, and I am nothing but honest with people here, that when they choose to want to really begin getting out their demons and tossing them about with others, it gets scary. No doubt when your ready, you will begin. What you have above is a beginning if you like, in that you have released one of your traumas.

So then, how do you feel now herc in relation to this incident? What do you remember most? The being strangled and the life flashing before your eyes no doubt?