Herc,

I am so sorry that you and your daughter had to go through this. Yes it must have been hard, and it must still haunt you today. Self forgiveness is something I still struggle with myself. I do understand where you are coming from, but I also agree...Anthony did not drag this out of you, you willingly gave up this info. You admit you have secrets. Shit we ALL have secrets that we aren't proud of in our lives. It's those very secrets that eat at us from the inside out, we are left with NOTHING but an empty shell for a person.

You are a good person Herc. Weather you like it or not, you are. You probably think that you don't know how to act around people because you have removed yourself from social settings, and you DON'T have to be on your best behavior inside of your own home. It's all new territory for you. So start going out again, nothing fancy or hard, but LOOK at the people and SEE. LISTEN, and STUDY how they interact with others and then when you feel confident, TRY it. You just have to re-learn how, that's all.

YOU are a good person.........You went through trauma, it altered your world. It isn't too late to try and fix this. You just have to want to face all of your secrets and talk about them.

Hugs,

Wen

Thanks Wen

Your reply made me take a good look at me and my world. IT is so small and isolated. No wonder I have trouble with relating to others.

BUT! ! ! While depending on this forum for my social contact is not exactly very healthy for me, it has shown me that I am getting ready to reach out to others and invite people into my space.

Still have many many secrets I need to rid my soul of and will eventually. Some are painful but others are extremely embarrasing. I think the embarrasing ones re going tol be the most difficult to rid myself of.

Herc, everyone answered the points already, and you now acknowledge your parts in this.... when you are ready I can help you if you want. How you rid yourself of your secrets is up to you, but you need to rid them. Face to face with someone in your life would be the best, as it exerts the most relief of pain for you as often secrets are kept from specific people, not typically strangers. If you have a secret about person x, the best result for you would be to reveal that secret to person x, not to another.

You really need to step back and understand what I am telling you here Herc. This is serious for you, nobody else, you. Secrets more often than not have negative emotion. Negative emotion feeds PTSD. PTSD means symptoms for you.

It is not a rush to get it all out, it is something you pace yourself with. There are ways here to do it privately, publicly, your therapist; again I recommend the person involved or people in your life the secret would impact for maximum relief of the negative emotion from you as fast as possible. Means the shortest amount of fallout for you. Your choice Herc and no time limits... your life is in your hands, others can only guide you or provide their experience, you make all your choices.

One down... obviously more to go from your statements.

Anthony

My question of most importance is a seriuos oune. The person I am keeping the secrets from is my mother. My life and everything I did for most of it is humiliating to say the least. If I need to deal with this the way I understand your theory, then I will cause her so very much pain. I can't do that to her.

To cause that much pain to someone you love just does not seem to be appropriate to say the least. Hurt someone else to make yourself feel better? I don't think I can do that. My mother knows I was not exactly mother theresa, but why should I have to destroy the rest of her life with the horrors of mine?

I almost came to the point of discovery. My life and the things I've done--to my self I might add--came rushing back this evening in all it's glory. It was like driving up to but not over a cliff. Almost but not quite.

My mind and body has stuff whatever it is for so long, it stopped me once again from recall. I came so damn close, tears from the depths of my soul. So close yet so far

But i am letting it just heppen. No pushing I promise I will try to get back in touch with the T. I was seeing before. Maybe a session or two to get over this hump?

Herc,

The compassion you show toward your mom is so sweet. I too would feel the same as you do.

Is it possible to write her a letter(with the intention of NEVER letting her see it) Just a way to let this stuff out? Then have a ceremony and burn it along with all of the ill feelings????

When my mother was dying, and I hadn't seen her in 3 yrs, I went to her to ask for forgiveness and to tell her that I forgave her. She didn't want to talk about any of it.

Your mom should be so proud of you. You are a truly good daughter...

Thanks for the sincere compliment. I am truly blessed with one of the best mom's in the world. And I know it>

The letter will work. Did the same thing in the hospitalfor my dad who was already dead. Different issues(he was an asshole) same outcome. I was better for writing it to him.

I have even suggested this approach to other people. Need to take my own avise I guess. Thanks

Herc... I understand you wanting to protect your mother, and I understand you thinking that you are protecting her by keeping secrets from her... or even lumping her with your secrets as you perceive... but do you see the common demominator here? Your thinking for your mother. Now your an adult, your mother is an adult... at what point did discussion get rules out? You are talking about discussing secrets from your past Herc, not your present. We have all done bad things in our past.... that is life.

Again though, your decision, not mine, not others. Only you can make the choice Herc and nobody can help you or support you with your secrets, as only you control that aspect of your life.

Here is another way to think about this Herc, as I see it anyway. You keep secrets from your mother to do with your past. You think for your mother on her behalf whether it is in her best interest as an adult to discuss them or not, or how they will affect her now or not. These very secrets are what are making you ill, and you are making yourself ill by not discussing them with her. Now this is just me... my opinion, but that says to me "self inflicted" injuries to your PTSD.

I'm sorry Herc, but I won't even empathise with you if these secrets cause you distress. You have choices, and if your choices are that you remain ill... then that is your right, but I certainly will not empathise with it as I do not enable sufferers illness. If I condoned your secrets or your statement, I would be enabling your ongoing symptoms. I just cannot do that Herc....

I guess your life is not in your hands, and as this is the only aspect really causing you distress.... you now have to live with your choices Herc. Again though, your choices and I respect your choices, but I certainly do not have to endorse or empathise with you about them. I hope you know what your doing though.... take care Herc.

Anthony,

Normally I would agree with what you stated here, but I think you are missing a few things. Hercs mother is in her 80's with Alzheimer's. In my opinion to do this to that woman would do nothing but put added stress on her(which she does NOT need) and it would only put further anxiety, shame, guilt on Herc should this backfire and something happened to her mother.

There are time Anthony when you need to have compassion along with the empathy, and put the PTSD aside. You are talking about an elderly woman that is not mentally all there, her coping skills are just about shot, she can't remember from one day to a next, and has a hard time with daily task.

Anthony.....I am appalled that you came down so hard on Herc for having exactly what I feel you LACK right now. That being compassion.

It depends on the secrets though Wendy, IMO that is. As I stated to herc, it is her decision, her choices, and I stated I respect those as being hers and hers alone to make. I empathise with her position in relation to her mothers age and illness, however; I do not empathise with PTSD aspects. As I said earlier in this discussion, it is best to discuss secrets or matters with the person affected, though you can discuss it with another if you choose. The result will not be the same, but atleast the burden of secrets is no longer as much of a negative impact on the sufferer.

Secrets means nobody knows... it is secretive to oneself. That is my point here, and that I do not empathise with. I understand the conversation has directed only to Hercs mother, which means it can just as quickly divert away from hercs mother. Herc is upset over releasing one secret here... one which doesn't impact me, only Herc. I don't care whether a person releases secrets here, therapy, their next door neighbour... it is irrelevant in the scheme of things.

The point is to get rid of secrets so they are no longer a secret! How and who is not a point... just do it though is my point. Again, not my choice, Hercs... I am not forcing or trying to force Herc to release her secrets, I am simply advising her what the problem is and how to fix it. The rest is now up to Herc. The best route is to the person it involves, I make no secret over this fact, however; it can be done in any way comfortable with the person though resolution much be obtained once the secret is released. How.... not within my control, only Hercs.

Again, I respect either way she goes... but I do not empathise with a person who is ill because of secrets kept, though does not want to help themselves by ridding the negative emotion of secrets period. I would be lying if I said otherwise. Harsh... Yes... truthful... absolutely.

Ok, that's it Anthony.

Where or when did I ever say my secrets involved my mother? My secrets are things I've done in my life that I am extremely ashamed of. They do not involve my mother and have nothing to do with her. So why in the hell should I tell her something that would break her heart?

Do you actually think that by ridding myself of these painful secrets and dumping them on my mother that I will feel better? Where is you brain? Hurting another makes you feel better? What book are you reading?

I have tryed to do everything you thought would help get better and recover my life, but this is just short of insanity.

Hey I'll tell you the rest of the shit in my life. I was arrested for shop lifting when I had no money. I had an abortion. I gave my kid away to an aquaintance because of a new job. I stole money. I stayed stoned on pot for the entire duration of my pregnancy. I'm talking 24/7 stoned. I was a slut and an drunk. I drove drunk.

Now, just exactly which of these secrets do you think will make my mother feel better? Which one will have a positive affect on her? Which one of these secrets should she own?

I'm not telling the details of these secrets because it is no ones business and you are just a little to curious to suit me. Your statement that you hope I know what I'm doing--take care Herc, sounds as if you are writing me off cuz I won't play your little game anymore. What did that mean anyway? "I hope you know what you are doing---take care Herc" what the hell is that?

So now explain to me how telling an 83 year old woman that her daughter is not exactly the type of person she thinks she is--is going to help ME feel better?

I am sure by the time this is read by you I will be banned from the forum and my feeling is "OK, so be it". BUT

I enjoy being here. Sharing experiences and symptoms and getting answers that may help me in my life journey with PTSD. It is your forum and you control it. I am a visitor here. But I truly thought I could gain knowledge and yes, even friends. While you do NOT consider this a social gathering place, I got news for you, it is. We enjoy
touching base with others and finding out how they are doing--or at least I do. Interaction with other members of the forum is healthy for all of us. Whether you know it or not some of us have become friends, but do to trust issues only feel comfortable communicating through the forum.

So now that I have purged my soul of "everything" do feel better and it did not cause my mother any pain.

You were 100% wrong in your advise to me and you need to own that mistake!