Herc,

You are doing great here. Yes, I do know how painful this is, and how much this takes a toll on you......

Hugs....

Just read my last entry and I find the final statement of intereat, especially since I have no clue what I was referring to. Makes you want to go---hum?

The sad part of all this crap is I actually thought what I am doing was normal. I was so screwed up from the booze and the mental problems I didn't know I had. I've had my mental problems all my life and just did not realize that fact.

So anyway. Met this guy ! ! ! HA I made a funny. Got serious and he asked me to move in with him after dating for over a year. Finally, maybe someone decent----Nope. Only wanted me and not the kid. I walked away and never looked back. It wasn't like the kid just popped up out of the floor. She had always been there. But it was a blessing since all we did during that year was drink, and drink, and drink!

Shortly after, my Dad passed away and I inherited a rather nice sum of money. It enabled me to quit my job and be a stay at home mom for the kid. Something she had not had since she was 6. Now I did not say this was a smart thing to do, just said I did it. It also enabled me to party even more and slowly pissed away a big portion of my money.

Then 1 day the phone rang and it was a guy----surprise-----who I had fallen for hard about 2 years prior. Out of the blue he shows up? Do I see a connection to his sudden reappearance and my money NO!

In no time at all he had me convinced that "I" had a great idea. So I enrolled my kid in the local junior college, moved her into the dorm, packed up my entire life and moved 4 states away. Never really asked the kid about how she felt about any of this. Gee there are those excellant parenting skills again!

This move was more than likely the dumbest stunt I have ever pull, bar none. It took this guy 6 months to go through what was left of my inheritance. He is one of the slickest con artist I've ever seen. Some where in this country is my completely restored black antique 1947 Ford Pick Up Truck. He knew exactly how to get what he wanted. He also knew exactly how to get me to leave AND think it was all my idea.

Shortly after all this happened I gave up the fight and moved home to be close to my mother. I say "the fight" because I was so worn down, so depressed, so sad and finally realized that my kid hated me and I was completely alone in the world. I literally could have died in my little apartment and no one would have missed me for a long time.

So, back home and a year of sober living under my belt, I get a job, an apartment and begin what I think is the secure, settled and comfortable life I've been looking for. I'm sober, manless---yes manless---happy, settled but still have a kid that hates me. But I'm ok and sober and clean and working and living like a "normal" person.

But being the undiagnosed person of many mental ailments who has been trying to function in the world alone with no guidance, I am not content to keep the life I have built. A high school friend called and thought it would be a good idea to set me up on a blind date. Enter hubby #4

:Hug_emoticon:Herc...so much pain in your life. I am glad you are sharing it with us.....sending you lots of hugs.:Hug_emoticon:

Herc,

This was me too, what you said here....

The sad part of all this crap is I actually thought what I am doing was normal. I was so screwed up from the booze and the mental problems I didn't know I had. I've had my mental problems all my life and just did not realize that fact.

I think the booze and drugs do that to you.... Kind of F*&^% with your head till you don't know what's right or wrong. And if there was any wrong.....Well it had to be someone else....

She.

You addressed something I had planned on talking about myself. That being how I have always blamed others for the f*&^ed up life I had. DUH The only common theme throughout is "ME"

I got a giggle when my T. decided that it was OK for me to "NOT' have a man in my life. Seems he felt I was not exactly a good judge of character.

What a understatement! Give me a room full of men with 199 good, decent and kindhearted men and I will pick the looser, everytime. Gotta fix him. Right?

Let's see, oh yes hubby #4 Oh god what a looser. I was so lonely and my self esteem was so low that the little bit of interest he showed me was all it took. I was on my marriage compaign. I guess I knew this guy for about a month when I moved him into my home.

In my own defense, this guy also scammed mother too. She thought he was a keeper. Seems he was under some misguided impression that I had money or was due to inherit money soon HA!

This guy was Mr Nice untill he figured out there was nothing left. I had been picked clean buy the users before him. He then became Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde. In a little less than 7 weeks after marrying him I threw him out.

When packing his things into the trash bags--no luggage had he--I discovered he had no paperas. You know the kind. Bank statements. Insurance info--Papers. Everybody has papers. Pictures. Stuff. This guy had no stuff. Clothes, shoes. That's all! How could I have been that stupid.

What is it in the female human that causes such a short circuit in judgment? I can't even blame this on drugs or booze for god sakes. I was stone cold sober for this one. Now that is a scary thought.

But atleast I wasted no time in correcting my "misstep". Was divorced shortly after, although a little quicker than I had planned. I discovered some really unnerving facts about this "prince".

Seems he was being paid in cash, under the table as they say. Now is that something to be worried about? Oh Yea! Tax time in the US with a spouse being paid illegally can cause a lot of panic/anxiety/and some terror on top of it. Not to mention the affect that would have on ME and MY taxes. Augh! This one was the most expensive divorce of all. Had to get out of it really fast.

And life goes on. The next episode of my "mating ritual" is going to be entirely NOT my fault. No way I can own this one This one Ain't my fault.

The little old church ladies--along with my mother--decided that my soul mate was the tall, dark and handsome male singer in the church choir. He was beautiful and had a voice that would melt butter. So, the little old ladies--and my mother--set up a scheme where we would meet. Well it worked, we met and we went out on a date. Had a nice time, but something just did not feel right.

Being leary, shall we say, at this point about men I decided to give the guy another chance. It could have just been my crazy self thinking something was off about him. HA I made another funny.

He arrived for our next date on a bike. Not a motorcycle----A Bike A bicycle---with a banana seat and pedals. You know a bike. Oh yea and a 6 pack of beer. He rode his bike over to my house. AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!. Seems his mom needed her car.

Well, you would be proud of me for being a polite lady and inviting him in for lunch and then just as politely sending him on his way, due to my untimely headache.

The next time he called to ask me out I politely declined. This began 3 months of continous stalking.

He showed up at my job and waited for me to leave. I worked the 3 to 11 shift at the hospital. Security had to walk me to my car every night. They watched my car on their monitors and he was still able to put notes on my car.

He left hours and hours of extremely weird and unnerving messages on my phone. He some how managed to allude security at my apt complex and leave food at my doorstep. UCK that went in the trash.

I had my phone number changed to unlisted and he still called. Now remember this guy is in my life because the church ladies thought it was a good idea! AUGH!

This all happened in 1992 and the stalking laws were not inplace like they are now. I just had to outlast this nut untill he finally went away.

Oh yea, he quit the church choir.

So now let us recap. To date I have married a Drill Sargent in the Army, a pot smoking muscian, a cocaine smuggler and a simple looser with no life. Throw in a couple of stalkers, maybe a rapist, and that pretty much sums up the years of my life. Now how could that all be my fault I ask you.

Guilt, shame, embarrassment, regret, sorrow, to name a few, are the emotions felt by me when reading this ridiculous life I call mine.

The saddest part is that while all this was going on I had a sweet child who was simply trying to survive her mother. How my child managed, I'll never know. That rips my heart out.

As I look at this insanity with a clear head I can only shake my head and wonder "What was I thinking?" This ride through my insanity has been an interesting trip but has not revealed the information I was looking for. It has given me many intense headaches and caused several panic attacks. I has not, however; given me the answers I'm looking for.

I am somewhat dissappointed and sad. I feel strangely let down. I hope that in rereading this again and again something will click on that period in time or that one situation I was in that has caused the ptsd in me.

But I must admit that I think the cause goes way back to the time when I was a child. I truly believe that the insanity I call my life is a direct result of what ever trauma happened to me long before I was an irresponsible adult.

I am very sad today. I have finally admitted to myself the I was a slut. I was a drunken slut who would go with anything is pants.

As I sit here today, with the life I have, and the way I feel this fact breaks my heart into little tiny pieces. I do not understand why I took that direction in my life. I am not that kind of person.

I was raised to be a good person by my mother. I went to church and sunday school.

OMG a memory of extreme fear. Not sure why this subject jumped out of the subject I Was talking about but here goes.

Apparently my mother never had "the talk" with me. I can vividly recall coming home from school on the city bus--which is a story all in itself for later--and running the 4 blocks to my house screaming. I thought I was going to die. I was bleeding. Why was I bleeding? My mother sorta laughed at me and said "oh silly------?-?-I don't remember the rest of what she said.

Things keep coming back to me like opening the flood gates. The memories are not coming in any type of order and that makes it hard to sort them out. But I've gotten off track again.

Why do some women go the direction I went rather than taking the better road? I am truly lucky to be alive today. The dangerous life style I chose could have really cost me my life.

The crazest part is that I kept repeating the same mistake over and over and over. I just do not understand the way I lived my early life. I am smarter than that. I have morals. How could my self esteem have been damaged so bad. What happened to me to cause a reaction like that? I am so ashamed. Can' t change it but I certainly do not understand it.

How could I have lowered myself so low?

Grama-Herc,

I know you're having a rough time right now. I just want you to know that I think I understand how you feel. I can hardly admit to myself the things that I've done. But you are strictly looking at the things that YOU have done in your life as a result of something that happened to you. Do I remember you mentioning that your father was emotionally abusive?

I understand all too well what emotional abuse can do to a person. My mother put me through all kinds of abuse, but I would have taken them all over the emotional abuse. It tears a person down. It strips them of any sort of identity. What's worse is that the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally would be the same people (or person) who tears you down, who makes you feel unloved, unwanted and unworthy. It is natural to seek those feelings from anyone and anything when you are deprived of them as a child. Being made to feel good about yourself is fundamental during a person's development - when they are a child. Even animals care for their young.

Do not blame yourself. Yes, you could have chosen another road. I could have, too. But you are not everyone else in the world and they are not you. You made those decisions without the proper emotional development most people receive. It is not your fault.

Best,
Rachel

:Hug_emoticon: I don't know what else to say, Herc...your pain is important...you are important. I am thinking of you...

Ya know Grace, just knowing you are there means so very much.

I have started dreaming again, but this time the dreams are fleeting and recall just is not there. I do know that I am now dreaming about groups of other people. I am in social? settings.

Before my dreams were only about me and terror situations. But I am becoming more aware of a change in the subject of my dreams. Now if I can just remember them.

I know all this is connected to my recall and posting of my life. I just get to impatient and in a hurry to know what is going on

I still have a lot of crap piled up that I need to purge from my soul. I get goose bumps every time I think about revealing these facts, but I know I will be able to tell the rest of my secrets soon.

I am not aware of any more real secrets, just more details of the ones I've released. I have so much embarrasment behind my smile. So many things I am ashamed of.

I am sad that purging of all this unpleasantry has not given me the source of my real and true trauma. But I will keep trying.

I did not get screwed up over night so I am not going to get better over night