Something occured to me while working my way through the saddness of giving up one of my kitties.

I have had many major changes in my life since July. Major life changes are a primary souce of stress. I am amazed that I have managed to keep my s*^t together as much as I have. Any one of these changes could have pushed me over the edge.

The stress I have been under has been tremondous. While all of this was self imposed, that does not make it any less stressful. No wonder I am the current mess that I am.

Sometimes I find myself sitting in a type of fog just staring off into space with no idea how long I've been there.

Let's see now, since July I have:
1) Had to put Lovey, my female persian, to sleep due to illness
2) Moved to a new townhouse
3) Moved my mother in with me
4) Found it necessary to give Fancy, another cat, to the SPCA
5) The size of my world shrunk down to only 2 small rooms
6) Gave up my privacy---which I really valued.
7) Took on an extremely stressful responsibility--my mom

As I recall my T. 1st word of advice to me when I got out of the hospital was that I really should keep stress out of my life. HA! I made a funny.

And I wonder why I am stressed and have headaches! I have always, in the past, stuffed my face with food when placed in stressful situations. This time I can't. The kitchen is down stairs with mom's watchful eyes. At least maybe this way I'll take some of these pounds off. If she only knew how much junk I really use to eat and Want to eat. I feel like I'm about 10 years old and sneasking behind mom's back if I do sneak junk food up to my room. This is silly, I'm a grown ass woman.

Well, this morning I am feeling so what antsy and anxious. My neck and shoulder muscles are like iron and my headache is back! Focusing and deep breathing is not working. My thoughts are scattered, disjointed and unclear.

Maybe the tremendous changes I have been through recently are beginning to catch up with me.

I have purged my soul of lies told, to myself and others. I feel like "Is that all here is to show for my life?" What have I got to show for even being here on this earth?
I feel like my life has just been "1" big lie. A joke. A waste of perfectly good air space!

Deep inside the depths of my soul, I know I have not been truthful here about who I really am. Because IMHO I am not a very nice person. Nice people don't lie, cheat or steal. Nice people don't do the things I have done.

But then if I look at my last sentance, it means that those of you reading this are not nice people. That is just not true!

So, sounds to me like I need to work harder on my problems. Apparently I have not completely forgiven myself for the past dirty deeds.

:Hug_emoticon:

I haven't forgiven myself either Herc. It's a work in progress, and it doesn't happen over night either.....

Well, I've never been known for my patience! So guess I need to pace myself and take this little "life side trip" slow and steady.

Actually, If I believed in it, I would say I took an out of body trip when I entered my last post here. I was rather surprised at what I had written. Don't remember writing the last entry. OOPS!

Of course, this is not the first time this has happened to me. I often find posts I have no memory of writing. The part that is actually most frightening is that the feelings and emotions are right on! Sometimes I think there is 2 of me.

It is amazing what stress can do to your body and mind. The destruction it can cause is frightening. While most of the stress I am under is self-imposed, it is still having the same affect on me.

I can say, however; that stress in my life does have "1" redeeming quality. When I get really stressed or upset I clean. I me "I clean" Right now I have the cleanest and most organized closets you have ever seen.

The changes that have been happening have started to catch up with me. I can feel myself sinking into the pit. That deep chasom of despair where ya just feel lost. Sometimes I think I am actually looking for myself instead of cleaning.

I know that when I get like this I've discover that I do a lot looking for things. What things, who knows? But I start looking for something and the next thing I know I've cleaned out the entire closet and reorganized the dam thing

Cleaning is a safe way to cope, Herc - so let yourself clean to your heart's content! can you tell this comes from the heart of another who cleans under stress? =) I am thinking of you...:Hug_emoticon:

Oh Grace----You are a cleaner ! I knew there was a good reason why we got along so well. From one cleaner to another---I could use a few more days of stress. The house is a mess.

The only problem with this coping mechanism is we tend to use it to avoid the issues we need to deal with. So which is the worse of 2 evils? Stressing out--or---cleaning?

My cleaning coping mechanism is somewhat of a disfunctional way to deal with life. I am borderline OCD with this. The cans in the kitchen must be lined up in a row by type of contents. Drives mom crazy.

I will pack and unpack a closet many, many times until I am able to see where everything is located. It all has to be in a neat row, even and readily available. I can not deal with having to move 3 or 4 items to get to what I want.

I move and organize things so often I can never find what I am looking for which simply drives me over the edge.

Hum, sounds like OCD to me. With all these symptoms, you would think I would be one to have a very set time schedule. I don't. If a crook was trying to follow me to get my schedule so he could rob me, He'd end up nuttier than I am. I have no routine, at all!

Oh good lord, I am such a mess. I love being able to ramble here. It helps so much to just let my fingers do the walking(talking) with out thinking and the look back and see what can out. I've made many discoveries into my twisted mind this way.

Dear Herc,

I haven't been around much in like the last year so I had to go back and read your diary to know what was going on. The last time I was here I had just contacted my son and we talked about how much you missed your daughter...I am so glad you two found each other again.

I wanted to make a couple of comments about the last couple-three post you have made...First of all...sometimes nice people do lie, cheat and steal. You were surviving the best you could. Everybody, not just people with PTSD make mistakes, sometimes bad ones. That is how we learn... People grow, they change...You are not the same person you were then.

Also, when I read your post about cleaning and being somewhat obsessive about organizing things my first thought was that actually makes sense...so much in your life is out of control...you have lost a lot...much has been taken from you...currantly your mind is not organized...your thought, feelings and emotions are somewhat scattered and beyond your control. Maybe by cleaning and organizing you are controling what you can. And besides it is a good way to burn off that excess energy. I can't speak for you but I get some my best thinking done when I am cleaning.

Hey, Herc - yep, it is OCD! They throw that into my diagnoses from time to time. My thoughts on it are it is something in my life that I can bring order out of chaos and have some control over. Sometimes it does allow me to avoid painful thoughts, but more often, it allows me to calm enough to maybe have a logical thought or two. But yep - I drive my family crazy when I am around them. Even playing board games I like things lined up and neat and my score card neat, etc. so they will mark it up for fun. Not funny. =\ But they are so many worse things than cleaning that I could be using to cope with and do from time to time, but if i can achieve the comfort from cleaning it is much better. So let yourself clean is all I can say but I am prejudiced.:rolleyes: Anyways...off to clean a closet!:rofl: