That is the strangest part of this! I actually have no memory or feeling from this incident. It feels as if I am writing a report on something I read. It is all like a matter of fact. No emotions Just facts. The only sense of emotion is regarding the rest of the night. I spent it laying on the edge of the bed--as close as I could get to the edge. I needed as much space as possible away from him. And yet I did not leave. My feeling is if I moved he would wake up and do it again.

I can see in my minds eye the entire apartment and his face and the entire apt.complex. But my feelings and emotions are totlly numb. Anthony, this scares me I feel NOTHING!!!! That is not a very good sign, is it? I know I went to work the next day and to the police and eventually to court but there is no feeling or emotion attched to any of these events. Again it is like doing a book report on a lousy book I had read.

What does the lack of emotion mean? I am actually numb reliving this event and really have no feelings! In fact, the feeling is one of detachment. Quite unnerving

The numbing, I agree, is quite freaky. It weirded me out when I realized most people don't go through life able to recount difficult events with no emotion. I sympathize because I have some choking stuff in my past, too. Shudder.

For me, the emotion came when I told my counselor about what happened in a truthful, honest way. So instead of being all, "it was no big deal," we talked about it being a Big Deal and a Damaging Event. Seeing it for what it really was helped me face it. I suspect that the more you let yourself think about and process the memory, the more feeling will come back.

Kers I have been trying to recover the memory of what ever is there most of my adult life. No luck!!! The therapists have decided that it is probably best that we "let this sleeping dog lay" It is apparently not something I can handle and my body knows it.

Worrying about it or trying to figure this puzzle out has actually caused me more harm than good. The stress of--oh my god, what horror is in my past- has caused many panic/anxiety attacks so I get to ignore this aspect of my illness, with permission. Not bad I think

Trusting your body to know what's best is definitely something I have learned from all this.

I hope things get better, Herc.

Anthony!! The only thing that I can picture in my mind is my laying on the very edge of the bed ALL night. Scared to breathe or move or anything for fear of waking him. This is the most vivid due to the fact that this is when the fear was the most intense. And the longest in time. Feeling that fear all night, being afraid to move at all IS a true and really intense memory and to this day I can feel the fear. The things leading up to this fear are sketchy, and the actual incident is somewhat foggy but the rest of the night is extremely vivid.

It did serve me well for the rest of my life, I think?? If I have ever felt the slightest hint of any agression from anyone in my life I leave. In fact, I run!! I run til I can no longer even remember who or what triggered the response!!! Oh WELL isn't this interesting? Seems I have just revealed an interesting fact that I was not really aware of. I run from situations of any kind rather than facing them HUMMMMMMMMMMMM! I don't do confrontations either. I have some thinking to do on this

Actually, its perfectly normal herc. Your not supposed to just feel something, especially if your mind has regressed the memory, hidden it away because it caused you so much pain at the time. Its nothing new to block trauma... thats all it is, nothing more, nothing less.

Nothing wrong with that IMO... atleast your thinking instead of ignoring it all.

So then herc.... you just expressed feeling from your trauma! You felt scared, you felt fear... so you do feel after all. Interesting where this is going...

I must agree... you do have thinking to do, because you just found a trait you display, called "avoidance". You have it down to a fine art obviously, hence you willingness to keep things locked up inside you and avoid dealing with them. Amazing what can be found when the mind is provoked a little hey herc?

Anthony. I am not ignoring you or your fantastic unput. I only have just gotten to a point where I can find my computer, let alone have a place to actually use it. Besides, I forget to check my diary for any new posting. Sorry. This move interrupted some really good progress and I am disappointed. But I will get back to it when I finally get my space back to normal. I have been putting my mom's life and space in order first. Less stress on her and MORE STRESS ON ME!! I am handling it surprisingly well though. Everyday more junk is thrown out the back door. Now if I can just get to the point where I can throw out the junk in my head. Hang in there with me CUZ it helps

New entry into my diary!!!! It will soon be just 10 weeks since the big move!!! This should put lots of interesting shit into my new entry. As if all the "stuff" I alredy have to deal with, I've now added more stress than ever into my disfunctional self! What on earth made me think that I was capable enough to care for, live with or be responsible for my mother. I can barely care for myself. I am in the middle of a preety intense attack of all my junk at the same time. Can't seem to wake enough to get out of bed, mom thinks I'm tking to many meds OR not taking them at all. She's freaked out over my melt down! I'm freaked out over my melt down and falling back into my really bad habit of EATING, and Eating and EATING!!! Anything and everything. This is my comfort. I am so miserable right now. I am actually home sick. I've got all my things here in my new place but it is not the same at all. I want this move to work for my mom's sake but I am not honoring myself right now. I realize this is not good, but I really don't know who to get myself out of this cycle I 'm in. Well, this was enlightening!!!!

Stop the eating immediately, you will only suffer more. Replace eating with a less destructive behaviour herc... go walk, have a coffee or tea, eat a piece of fruit only, but don't just eat, especially junk, you will only end up depressed and fighting a cycle that you will struggle with and just don't need.

Hi Herc,

I hope you don't mind me posting in your diary. I've just been wondering how you're doing and wanted to stop in and say hi.

Take care of yourself,
Hodge