Well, if there was any question before as to way I started sheltering kittens, there is no question now. I never realized how very much I missed doing this. To be back again watching these adorable babies develope and grow feels so right.

Want to put the crap in your life into some kind of prespective? Just feed a tiny orphan kitten a bottle of milk and watch the .look in their eyes as they look at you. Somehow all the crap in the world and in your life seems to just fade away and I know this is going to sound very very strange-------But it makes my issues seem "not so big any more". All of a sudden I am not a sufferer of PTSD. I am the foster mommy of a litter of kittens who love and depend on me.

I know I still am a sufferer BUT AT LEAST RIGHT NOW I AM NOT SUFFERING!

I'm glad Herc that you have found something to take your mind off of things, and something to fill the void in your heart.....Hugs.

Tha is so awesome...my cat had kittens about 4 years ago and I bottle fed the runt of the litter....it was a neat feeling. I am so happy for you.

Dear Diary

The sense of ease and relaxation is still here. Even with my sleep patterns these day I am still up and positive. Even mom is doing better. Of course, we are still trying to get a good feeding schedule set up for me and the babies. Plan on new updated pics with a size referrence so we can watch them grow.

DAM this is the best thing I've done since moving in with mom. Which, by the wat, put me into a tail spin, but so how the babies have snapped me out of it and I feel so good.

I know I keep saying this but I do

Herc,

You found someething to help you move forward. Good for you! Life throws enough at us to keep us from feeling all that great and when you find something that does help you feel great...keep it up!!

Enjoy the kitties, enjoy time with your mom, take care of yourself and enjoy your life. You deserve it!!!

Hugs
Lisa

Had a dream last night that has me very unnerved> I was walking with a man, seems he was older. He had his arm around me and was steering me towards a wooded area.

I don't think I was going willingly but also don't feel I was being dragged or anything.

Just a scarey sense of what was going to happen but what it was I don't know

It has been a long time since I have posted here in my diary. Have not felt that I had anything worth writing. But a change has happened in my life and I want to share.

Several years ago I quit sheltering orphan new born kittens. Something I had done non-stop for about 8-9 years. I was burnt out and tired and just simply fried by caring for the kittens. It requires long periods of time with little to no decent sleep and when you loose them to illness, their deaths take a toll on you.

I had been thinking for a long time that I wanted to start sheltering again, but wondered if it would be healthy for me. Well, I decided to go ahead and start sheltering again and the change in my life has been remarkable. Even my mom has commented about the positive change in me. I am more energetic, more positive in my thinking and my general attitude towards life has improved 10 fold.

While it is hard work, it is the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I am now on my 3rd group of kittens. This one, sadly, is alone. He was found all by himself and these are the ones that are the most difficult to turn in when they are of age. You tend to get way to attached to them.

The thing that amazes me is the affect that taking care of the kittens has had on me. I am up, positive and look forward to each new day, instead of just going through the motions of a life. I am busy and moving and living instead of just sitting and staring at the TV.

I highly recommend helping locale animal rescue groups. Seems to put things in perspective.

Well, today is my birthday! I have somehow managed to make it to 62 although when I think back to some of the things I did as an undiagnosed and untreated adult, I find it amazing that I survived this long.

The "insane" risks that I took while uncontrolled scare me to death. I have always heard that the good lord looks out for fools and small children. I am living proof of that.

I have, however, always wondered why I was allowed to survive despite the dangerous life style I led. Guess I WAS meant to stick around and take care of my mother. After all, this is the least I can do considering ALL the pain, heartache and grief I caused her as a young and middle aged adult. Lets just say I was not the most stable daughter.

I know that mother feels guilty for the suffering I went through, even as a very young child, due to the mental issues I was dealing with. As she and I look back and discuss things I did--from mothers perspective---as even a young child we can see I have been suffering an extremely long time. She often apologizes to me for failing to get me the help I so desperately needed. But, we have decided that back in the late 40's and early 50's people just did not associate mental illness with children.

I do still wonder, even though I have decided to let go of the mystery of my PTSD, WHAT HAPPENED WAY BACK THEN ? ? ? ? ? ? How bad could "IT" have been? I guess on this 62nd birthday I will never truly stop wondering.

But then, is wondering such a bad thing? Is wanting to know a bad thing too? I lost the first 20 or so years of my life because of this thing called PTSD. Do I not deserve to know why? I feel like if I am not going to remember what happened to me------- then at least give me my childhood and early teen year memories back to me, or is that expecting to much?

I feel like the kid who NEVER gets picked. I feel left out of life. It is almost like the family took a vacation and forgot to take me. This is not self pity and I'm not having a party. Maybe I am finally mourning the loss of my memories! Something I can't quite explain is going on inside my head. It is a sadness but it is also an emptiness that is hard to put into words.

I know that I have tried throughout my life to fill that emptiness with booze, sex, drugs and food! Not only have these things not worked, they have been dangerous and fool hearty. Thank God I finally got the help I needed to figure out what was going on, why I was living so dangerously and that I was finally able to at least achieve a safe life. Yes, at least I am safe! That is my birthday gift to "ME" today!

So dear diary, sorry this has been such a long entry. But things just kept creeping into my mind that I needed to say!

Hi Herc, It's quite clear that in your sadness, you're experiencing pain.

No, nothing looks self-pitying. I'm so glad you can see this too and state such with confidence. And, as you've said, perhaps you are finally mourning the loss of your lost memories.

Also, it certainly is nice to hear just how much your mom loves you; I've read this within your last post and within some other forum posts of yours as well. Herc, you and your mum sound like some really good people. Please, both do continue to take care.


Hope

Last night after dinner, while still sitting at the table, mom and I started discussing how the odd series of events led us to this point in our life. How we ended up living together in this special place at this special time!

We have been living together for just over a year and so far the only spats we have had has been in the kitchen! Is this a surprise? AH NO! But that is the only issue we have.

She is happier and healthier than she has been in years and I am finally adjusting to her aging and the issues that go along with that. My mom and I lost way to many years together when I was out running amok. I gave no consideration to how mom was feeling and what MY actions were doing to her during my "stupid" period of life. I just wish I could get back those lost years.

I have so many questions to ask her, especially regarding our family history, but also things about my life. Sadly, now that we are back together and have the time to just sit and talk, her memory is going and she can't fill in the blanks for me. Mom has lost all her family so there is no one else to ask. She is the last of the 7 children. So many facts are lost forever.

Taking care of her now and making her life stress free is my way of making up for the pain I caused her. While she is "and was" not perfect, she is a good woman. She has always kept her faith strong through the many difficult times in her life. Her compassion for others is one her biggest asset. She has been through a lot in her life too!

Mother has been through a lot in her life and someday I would like to make an entry explaining her life, as I know it. "I" think her story would inspire some of us who tend to slip into our "party clothes" sometimes. I know that she has been an inspiration to me over the past few years. Without her support and faith I would not be in the safe place I am now, and I'm not referring to the apartment.

There is however a large down side to this relationship I have been blessed with. I am not going to handle the loss of my mother. I have wrapped my entire existance around her. It has been the plan for years that I would go live with my sister when the time came, but I can say now that---Ain't gonna happen.

We have been trying to develope some kind of relationship but it has not worked. My sister has turned into a very selfish and self centered person with little to no interest in me or mother. Any contact she makes with mother is because I have written a nasty email to her insisting she call.

Mother has not seen her only grandson(sister's boy) since he was an infant and he is now 17! I guess that is why I am so set on mother getting to see her only Great Grand Child.

Well, guess I had spilled my guts long enough on way to many subjects but when the feelings come------well, they come and need to put them someplace RIGHT?