It has been a while since I've made an entry into my diary. The chaos caused by mom and I moving in together is just now beginning to settle down. However; there is a new wrinkle in this move. Mom fell recently and messed up her back. She has gone to her chiropracter and he is having her come to him everyother day. Between shopping for food, other MD appointment, and this doc, I AM A MESS!!!!! I am so stressed!!!!!! Seems like I have not time to recover from the last outting I did not want to do!!

The move has, however; given me the opportunity to get mom to talk about me when I was a child. Seems I spent my childhood doing a lot of fainting. Children don't faint! I also had many, many episodes of vomiting--always in the middle of the night! I never had friends over for sleep overs. Never did sleep overs at friends houses. But, also seems that I really never had any friends! Therefore, seems to me, that my tramua must have happened when I was a pretty young child.

Some things are coming back to me as mom and I talk, but it is just her talking about stuff and THEN it comes back to me but not as a memory. The sense is more like listening to a story and "OH! really?" I keep replying to her stories by saying "Really"? I just am a blank. I know I am not supposed to worry or obcess about this but it is scary. What kind of demon is back there. What if I finally do remember? What will that do to me. How screwed up could I get by remembering?

I also have a trait that has always been a mystery to me. I can not watch scary movies. I can not ride amusement rides , and if someone sneaks up on me to scare me, well I burst into tears. I can not deal with being frightened in any way. My God, what terror lies in my past to cause this level of fear???? I am an adult. I should be able to watch horror movies without fainting or bursting into tears. Unable to ride even a merry-go-round in just nor normal!!

Well, diary, now that I am in a really panic/anxiety state, guess I stop for now. New things to think about? What has this entry revealed? We shall have to wait and see

I don't know if this is the type of diary I am use to keeping--the daily type? So if it is not will someone let me know because for now I am going to treat it a one.

Back to the doctor with Mom again today. The stress this has me under is so obivious I don 't know how she does not notice. We get home, I eat lunch and then go for my nap. My naps are usually 5-6 hours after going out into the word. Just is so hard on me. I just never get use to it.

I've had headaches, some pretty intense ones again! It has been a long time since these headaches have invaded my life. I know it is the stress of having no choice in whether I go out or not. Gotta go-period-!!! This is so dam hard, but I got no choice. I am slipping into my chasam of retreat, or what I call my "hiddy hole"!

I know my sleeping is my escape mechanism but I have this guilt that I am ignoring my mom when I say I', going to sleep. I feel like I am not careing for her properly!!! Well, I'll just pile on some more guilt on myself, that always helps! Will someone please tell me how to shut my brain off. Make the noise and guilt STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go for your life herc.... daily, weekly, monthly; your diary, you use it as you desire.

Hey Anthony, thanks for the Go Herc

Well, after a week off from driiving mom to the doc office the merry-go-round starts again and this week is going to be a killer. We have some medical thing EVERY day. With my agoraphobia I need the next day off to recover from a "forced" outside trip. I am bitching but I certainly am not blaming my mom. It is my issue. These outings are suppose to help expand my ability to leave the house but they are causing me to retreat even more when given the chance. I am now to the point where if she has no appt. I will not go out at all. I use the days she has to go someplace to also run my errands, etc so I will not have to leave the house otherwise. I am getting more house bound than less. The car needs an oil change and I simply can't do it. Been there before but now I just can't do it. And my headaches, OH my headaches! They are getting worse and now I get them almost daily. They were gone for such a long time and I hate that they are back. I know it is self imposed stress. I have no idea how to relax. I wish I was normal, this stuff is getting so old. I just want to do things like normal people. Go out to dinner, go to the movies and maybe have an actual date without getting severe diahrea and having to cancel any plans I may have made. I always cancel everything I plan that involves other people. I have not been in a movie theater in probably 30 years, can't go out to dinner--I get to sick, and dating, well that is another matter all together! Have not had a date since 1992. In order to date one has to leave the house. It is difficult to meet someone IN THE HOUSE! I am complete isolated from the world and it is self imposed. Why can't I leave the house????

Yesterday was a very busy day and I actually went out to more than 1 place. Of course I had no choice in the matter and that is the most difficult part for me. I Did Not Want To!! I had to take mother to get her flu shot and then to the lab for testing. I actually stopped by a local store to shop a little, went to the grocery store and then came home, all while mom sat in the car. Today I am pretty much a zombie. Way to much outside time and I am no overload. One therapist I saw(only once) wanted to add OCD to my list of problems. I am beginning to believe her. Lately, I seem to be grabbing on to 1 thing in my mind and working it to death. Yesterdays' outing actually made me ill---physically sick. OVERLOAD

OMG!!!! Something just came back to me from my blank past. It was my job when I was a kid to clear the kitchen table. I had to scrap the uneaten food onto a newspaper and take it to the trash can and then wash the dishes. If I got any of that food on my hands I would get nausous and run to the bathroom to be sick. My Dad would tease me and call what I had "dish washers diahhrea". I was actually terrified to get any of what I considered garbage on my hands. I Sure am glad that I do not have any problem now with junk on my hands--I own cats!

HMMMM, seems a small snippet from my blank past is returning for no apparent reason. Oh Well! Maybe it will make sense to me some time. Sure does not now. But I am finally to visualize the kitchen in my childhood home for the first time in my mind. I can close my eyes and I can see every inch of the place. I spent a very large amount of my time in that kitchen. Reason being that I hated mashed potatoes and green peas and refused to eat them. My father thought it was a really good idea to make me eat that junk so I had to sit at the kitchen table until I did eat, no matter how long I sat there or how cold the stuff got. I would sit there even after everyone was finished and gone and had turned out the lights. So there I sat in the dark with cold mashed potatoes and green peas in front of me. Gee, think that made me somewhat stressed-wierd-sensitive-withdrawn-pick a condition! My dad was "such a prince". He once even made my sister eat something she did not like and she threw up on the kitchen table in the middle of dinner. I do believe that I can finally blame my PTSD on my father. Now the question is Why? What did he do to me??????????

Dear diary! LOL today I cleaned and re arranged my bathroom and bedroom. I do that entirely to often. I seem to rearrange-redecorate-repack WAY TO OFTEN. I think it has actually become an obsession with me. I've only been in the new townhouse since July 12th and I have redecorated the living room 4 times and the bedroom 3 times. I have repack the storage closet at least 5 times. I seem to spend the majority of my time shuffling shit(as I call it)

At least I did not have to go any place today. Just worked way to hard cleaning and moving furniture, etc. It seems the best way to keep myself from thinking or feeling. If I stay busy enoughn I won't care either.

My but being a PTSDer is hard to deal with. Oh well, guess it could be worse but I sure don't know how

Today has been interesting to say the least. Our minister came to visit mother. I can't recall the last time I worked so hard to impress someone. Well, I think impress might be to strong a word. Maybe it is better said that I wanted my mom to be proud of her new home. Made coffee and served pie mom made, then left them to their private time. She has been unable to go to church lately. Since she has such a strong faith and connection to her church I made arrangements for him to come for a pray visit and to give her communion.

We also had a big event that followed. The maintance people came and installed the electric stair climber we got. Now mom can come up stairs without putting herself in danger of falling. My, won't this help ease the STRESS in my life, or at least some of the stress.

I am in much better spirits now than I have been for the past couple of days. Guess I got over my "being mean to myself" phase. I feel a small sense of relief for some unknown reason. Who knows why, who cares why----at least I feel something. I think I need to change my focus! But it is so hard to shake off all of the negative junk in my head. I would much rather climb under the bed and disappear.

Recently I have made some rather obnoxious posts that were out of character for me. The guys in this forum reminded me and explained to me and helped me and what the hell, they put me in my place.

I am not the only person with PTSD or what I always thought were unusual symptoms. While the pain and problems still remain ever present in my life as well as everyone elses life, they have helped me relax. My days of having pity parties all by myself are over.

I need to accept the fact that the past is exactly that!! It is in the past and there is no way to change it. I will try to adjust my life to an acceptable level and work on being happy. Sounds like a lot more fun than what I have been doing lately. It seems that my private pity parties just aren't fun anymore.

Well diary do I have news for you. I got a phone call last night that put me on the floor. After missing from my life for about 12 years----MY DAUGHTER CALLED ME---OMG! I am still in shock and just thinking seems to be hard. We talked and cryed and talk and cryed. She not only is alive and well, she is fantastic! She got marrried to a fantastic(her sense) man who adores her, she has fabulous in laws and the most emotional part of this is I have a beautiful new granddaughter who is 11 days old!!!!!!

My daughter could not to apologize to me enough last night for cutting me out of her life. She cryed when she spoke of how she was not able to share the most important events of her life with me and how sorry she was to have caused me that much pain.

Now that she is a mother she has realized that I do love her. She said she looked into the face of her new baby girl and instantly knew that I do love her. That little face showed her the truth. I love my daughter with all my heart and would lay down my life for her and NOW SHE FINALLY KNOWS! She has looked into the face of that beautiful baby and finally realizes the true depth of my pain caused by her cutting me out of her life.

But the best part of this gift is we are back together with what appears to be a repaired relationship. I have a son-in-law, in-laws, a brand new grandbaby, my daughter back and NOW SHE KNOWS. I LOVE HER I WANT HER I FORGIVE HER

Now all I need to do is SEE HER TOUCH HER KNOW THIS IS REAL ! ! ! omg! ! !