I appreciate the info on the meds for mom. I think as time goes on I am correct in my sense that she is slipping into early alzhimers. But thank goodness she is having less and less agitation or at least she is trying to control it bc we don't seem to be argueing as much. Of course, that could also be because I am more aware and I am trying not to correct her all he time. It may be wrong but I am just letting her think whatever she wants to think. If I don't try to correct her we get along with no trouble.

It is so hard to watch her slip away from me. My mom is my only connection to the world. She is the only person in my life. What in the hell am I going to do when she goes? Who is gonna keep me safe? Who is going to nudge me to go outside? Unless I have to do something for mom I do not go out. I will wait till I go out for her to get anything I need. OMG What am I going to do? I am so terrified!

I did not realize this had crept into my brain again. Maybe I need to do some intense visits to my shrink again. Lost my insurance that was paying for him so it's been a while. But I think the time has come to see him at least once anyway. Oh dam diary. Why do I keep gooing to this dark and scarey place???????

Herc,


I think that the fear comes from the thoughts of being totally alone(after your mom is gone.) Not to many people like being alone, so it's scary for you.

You are also going through a lot of emotional things with her, her illness, and your daughter being back in your life again. You are in a whirlwind of emotions.

We tend to look at the negative side of things, or we wait for the other shoe to drop. We are always waiting for the bad to happen, so much so, that we fail to see the good things that come our way.

Weather you know it or not, this will be your time to give back to your mom. Time that she gave to you growing up, you can give back and make her comfortable and help her with her problems. It will be hard, but I have faith that you can do this.

Try to look for the rainbow, instead of the clouds....

SHE

How right you are. I left my home town as a very young woman and proceeded to live my life and manage to screw it up, some times beyond repair. That is a long story however for another time.

I moved back to my home town and my mom in 1991 for 2 reasons. The first one was I must confess selfish. I missed my mom but more important, I knew she was getting older and would be needing help. My sister has a life in upper Michigan with a job and a family, etc and she was not going to be able to help mom from way up there.

I was not exactly the best kid ever born and over the years caused mom more than her share of pain. I felt that I owed her a safe and comfortable life. She deserves to enjoy her life and not have to worry or fret for any reason. That is why I am here

I do all the cleaning, shopping, driving anything she needs and all she has to do is cook for me. I made this rule with her because it keeps her thinking and moving. She is still fairly sharp mentally, but she has her momments. I just don't think it is a good idea for her to nothing to do.

I am doing anything I can to repay her for all the time and love and energy and faith she has put into making me the person I am today.

This has put a tremondous strain on me. The agoraphobia is difficult to manage when she needs to go for lab test or doc visits. But it has its good side too. Pushes me to go out, pushes me to interact with people. I have to---got no choice. Sometimes I do get overloaded and I think that if you watch my writings here you can see when that happens.

I love and appreciate my mom beyond words. Do not know where I would be without her. She is my rock. Her support emotionally, as well as financially, when I was in the hospital was unreal. In fact, as time goes by we get closer and closer. Sometimes I feel that my illness has help our relationship. I know that sounds crazy, but by finally finding out why I did the things I did, etc, she has a better understanding. The insanity of my actions over the years makes sense to her and now she can quit assuming that she did a bad job of raising me. She now knows it is not her fault!!!!!!!

Believe me when I say I love my mom and appreciate every minute she is in my life. I don't think I can ever fully repay her for everything she has given me---and I'm not talking about "stuff"

Well diary it is now 2008. I am wake as usual when the rest of the world is sleeping. Just took my meds so now I just wait for them to begin working. The last thing I did in 2007 was talk to my daughter---my daughter--dam that sounds good! Not sure if I should use her name here but can't hurt I guess. Need the practice. Been years since I've even said her name. Was just to painful. Her name is Lori. My daughter Lori. This is just to cool. We had a great conversation, felt good. We still have those occasional silent awkward pauses, but in general doing very well under the circumstances.

I spoke with my new son-in-law for the 1st time this evening. He seems to be very nice and polite with a good sense of humor.

I have a new problem creeping into my thoughts and I don't like what is happening. I found myself this evening resenting the other gandparents because they were with my grandbaby and holding her and enjoying her. There is enough junk rarrling around in my head on a daily basis and I don't need more unhealthy junk creeping in. Logic is not working---------------------! How can I resent people I don't even know I once heard a term used that seems to fit many circumstances I am in or that I think I am in .

It is called Awfullizing. It really is not a word I don't thhhhink but it is what I am doing Dam it and I don't like it.

Herc,

I think what might be going on with you is this......You KNOW that your daughter/grand baby are ok....But you need to feel it/see it/touch it to really fully make it real for you. Knowing that others have this, and you don't can be upsetting. Try and remember when you get this feeling, just how lucky you are that your daughter reconnected with you. Try and be satisfied with what you have right now. I know it's hard, but don't let the feelings get control, otherwise they get OUT of control.

Hang in there, I do know how hard it is.

Since "2008" has officially begun I have some serious issues to address. My memory/recall of what in the hell happened to me is the first. I want to get better and I think this is the first step on that path.

I want to get better, I want a life and friends and all the things that go with it! Right now my only friends are the people on this forum. That is why I got so pissy this Christmas. The holidays were here and all my friends were gone. I took it as they did not care about me. This was some seriuosly warped thinking. But it does explain a lot and has made me realize that I've got some serious work to do this year

Through this forum I have come to realized that I CAN NOT continue my isolation.
This is not only unhealthy, but it is also dangerous for me.

I say dangerous because my future rests on my ablility to interact with people and have them around me. I am completely and totally dependent on my mother for all of my social and emotional needs.

If I do not begin now to develope a circle of people around me I am going to be in serious trouble when her time comes. She is 83 and I need to face this fact of life. I am not trying to be morbid. I am finally looking at this as a fact of MY life.

If I do not begin to address this major issue in my life and get the agoraphobia under some kind of managable control I will be in serious trouble. Just the thought of what this is going to require has set my anxiety alarm off. Isolation is never healthy. At least, at this point, I have Mom here to interact with. What is going to happen when I don't? I must get back into the real world.

So where to begin? Addressing my trauma may be the key---maybe not. But I need to start somewhere and that is as good a place to start as any.

When I realized that I depend completely on the forum for my contact with people it scared me beyond words. This is not good, especially for my mental state. I no longer have any people or social skills. I do not know how to act around people anymore. While it has been a very long time since I have interacted with anyone in the outside world on a one to one basis I do know that I tend to say inappropriate things. This was tactfully pointed out by my mom.

I get so nervous that I ramble, loudly, about anything. I interupt people all the time and am taken as just simply being a very rude person. And I am not. I just don't know what to act in public anymore. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think I want to deal with people. Maybe I should just work on being comfortable shopping, taking myself out to dinner or going to a movie and forget about having people in my life. HUM Sound good to me

Today my life took an unexpected turn that has thrown me into a very strong tail spin. I am not quite sure what set me off----well actually I do. Just don't want to discuss it right now. But it has frightened me. This has popped up out of nowhere. My issue is something that I have felt before but NEVER mentioned to anyone ever! This is a very scarey feeling and goes to a lack of control of my life. I feel I am loosing touch with what I am doing. I am frightened beyond words.

I am scared that if I say the words---it will make this true! God help me, I dont know if I could handle this one. I can barely breathe I'm so terrified! And what do I tell Mom. She keeps asking me questions and I do n ot want to open my mouth right now. At least she is watching the football game so it will keep her busy for a while.

Today is not going to be a very good one.

Herc,

I hope things calmed down for you. Hang in there.

Well diary, today was a day to go out and it was hard. Waited a long time--an hour to be exact--which is way to long for me to be out in a crowd. Slept the rest of the day.

I guess that this diary area is really intended for us to relate and release our traumas. Again, there is something I can't participate in. I don 't know what the hell is wrong. Why I can't recall.

Did some research on line about fainting/syncope in children. Made quite a few discoveries that may help to shed some light on this mess I'm in.

Seems that many of the indicators for PTSD in a child follow the lines of my childhood. Shyness is in the list along with the vomiting and of course the fainting. The one thing that seemed to surprise me was the fact that sexual abuse DID NOT necessarily have to be the cause of this. I even discovered that this would have been caused sometime around ages 5-7.

Nothing is coming back yet but I know it will, just scared of when it will. I do feel better thought now that I know this PSD does not necessarily mean that I was abused.

The research said that verbal abuse can be a cause as well as an emotional situation. That info sure felt good to hear.

I started a thread and asked a question comparing being shy and being fearfull. I got an answer from Anthony that has created some memories? My dad was a very cold father. I asked mom about this and she has validated my feelings. He called me stupid and told me I was a quitter. He was distant and extremely critical of me. I never did anything right. He made it known to me in no uncertain terms that he was disappointed that I was a girl. He wanted a boy and tryed in many ways to turn me into one(My sense)

I was forced to pull weeds on the side of our house where anyone could see, and I was in highschool then. I was devastated that someone from school might see me.

Dad had a cabin cruiser and I was forced to go out with him on weekends instead of spending time with my friends like other typical teenage girls. All he ever did on that dam boat was anchor out in the bay and float around drinking beer. Usually it was just the 2 of us, but some times other boats would tie up with us and then there was a group of drunk adults. I hated that boat.

Mom says that dad would belittle me infront of his friends and tell me again how stupid and dumb I was. She has also told me how sorry she felt for me and my embarrassment She says I would go down into the cabin and cry and then spend the rest of the day down there. I apparently was not a very happy child.

Mom has apologized to me for not stepping in and trying to get Dad to stop his treament of me. I wonder why she did not, but my sense is she was scared of him.

When I was 9 1/2 my sister was born. I had to get rid of my cat because it might hurt the baby AND I had to give up my room. The baby needed it! My father converted our porch into a bedroom for me, BUT it was dark, cold and while it was attached to the house it was sealed off with no windows. It was off the kitchen and truly felt as if it was not even part of the house.

As I sit here writing I can actually feel myself in my bed in that cold, dark and damp room curled up in a ball crying? ? ? ? ?

I know now that he did not love me. He loved my sister. He would play with her, They would laugh. He showed her affection. I remember watching him play with her and while I stood off to the side watching anfd feeling left out.

I was good enough to help with building an addition to the house, but not good enough to spend time with---unless it was to benefit him. I should have been a boy! I heard that. Your are so stupid, heard that too.

"I want a guitar" The answer was no, you will just quit it like everything else. I'm not going to waste the money on you.

I hate that this is getting so long, but shit is pouring into my brain and I need to express it. From the time my sister was born, I was the babysitter. I had no choice, even when I was in high school. I could not go out with my friends. I had to babysit. I had no childhood or teenage life. If I wasn't pulling weeds or building an addition, I was stuck at home caring for my sister. My only escape was "that dam boat" and that.

Right no I feel like I've walked up to a solid wall. I am blank, numb and just staring at a blank void. My mind shut down the minute I typed the last words--that dam boat! ! I am now taking very deep breathes and feel numb. AND VERY VERY SAD If anything is misspelled it is going to stay thst way. I can not read this right now.