Herc, well done. You came to the realization that your father treated you poorly, he didn't love you as you say. Nothing you can do to change that though, only he could change that within you by showing you love. Why did you go blank on the boat though Herc? What about the boat? What did you do when you used to go in the cabin whilst adults where getting drunk outside?

The Boat!

I have no idea what I did once I went into the cabin. I can now recall sitting on the very top of the cabin enjoing the wind and sun. Unless of course it was FREEZING outside. Seems weather never stopped him. Rain, sleet,wind or hail-----Mother used to get so made at him for taking me out in unsafe weather. I remember him outrunning a funnel cloud one time--now that was scarey.

Things are pouring back, Anthony, and it is a little scarey.

There were a few other kids on the other boats, sometimes. The adults used us a bar tenders. I have the sense of me saying "one for me and one for them", and laughing. Very possible that I was drinking too, but parents did not know. Just realized that some times my Mom WAS there too. Can't identify the other kids.

I did enjoy the wind and sun on my face. Like I said I would sit way up on the very tippy top of the flying bridge, alone ALONE, away from him in the safety and quiet. If this does not completely make sense it is because I am typing the words as they come to me without thinking.

We also would take weekend trips to other cities along the Florida coast that had boat docks for overnighters. We would take the dog. One night the dog got out and ran off and my dad chased his down and beat the shit out of him for running off and he was MY DOG.

Through all this afore mentioned crap, I had a baby sisiter. Funny, but I do not see her in any of this.(referring to the weekend trips and the times that mom was with us). My sister was born when I was 9 and I remember -ZERO-Nothing-NADA about her existance, except, "isn't she the cutest little thing".

All the crap I've been saying happen when I was older, I think. My sense is I was in high school with all this boat crap, but I also know that Dad got his first cruiser when I was in my early teens, even younger. Notice I said his cruiser, not ours! He ws also a very selfish person. Selfish with everything especially love.

Sorry I still can't get my mind to release what ever it was that I did once I went into the cabin. I am feeling cold and damp and uncomfortable though as I sit here and think about it. I am also so angry at him I hate the man. He is dead so issues will simply go unsolved. He was mean and seflish and cold and distant and did not love me like he did my baby sister, but I guess that is another subject for another time

Deep breathe, shake off the creepies I seem to have felt thru this and relax, if possible.

Why was it safe their and not with "him"?

Why do you say that herc?

Why would he love your babysitter Herc?

Herc, are you medicated presently? Also, do you have a therapist that your seeing regularly? And lastly, do you have the number of emergency on your fridge if you need them? Please answer these thanks.

Anthony, I am very safe. Mom is here with me and I would NEVER cause her the kind of hurt you are hinting at. So don't worry about that

See, the problem is, that these words are flowing out of me at a rapid pace and I don't have answers for most of your questions.

I know he loved my sister cuz I had to give up everything because of her. I didn't matter, she did. She ----I just froze in place when I typed the word she. I can see her sitting on Dad's lap jumping up and down smiling and laughing and he is too. He plays with her and not me. I wanted to say he didn't play with me anymore, but I don't think he ever did.

My dad traveled for his work. He left early on Monday mornings and came home late on Thursday nights. I got hives all over my body every Thursday night and they went away by early Monday mornings ? ? ? ? ? Connected ya think

He was selfish because it was his needs and his wants that counted. He wanted and got his boats. I wanted a dog--NO. I wanted a cat--NO He wanted a stupid parakeette--he got it. I wanted to go out with my friends--NO. I had to go with him on that stupid boat.

I was suppose to learn all the language and ways of boating------fore and aft and stem and stern and how to throw a line and how to dock a boat and tie is off and ALL THAT KIND OF CRAP. And god help me if I did any of it wrong. He would vebally embarrass me infront of anyone within hearing range. I was stupid and how could I be so dumb. Do it again and this time get it right, in fact do it over and over UNTIL you get it right.

Anthony, I am currently on meds and take them faithfully. I am not now seeing a T. but do have an appointment to see my primary md. He helps alot. My medical does not cover my T anymore.

But I have reached out to 2 people I know well and they are on notice. If Mom or me call they have agreeded to come running. It means a lot to me that you are this concerned. It also means-----I am about to recall all the crap from the past---doesn't it?

Did I ever tell you that mom asked me if my dad ever "did anything"? She asked because he always sent her to bed first and said he would be in later. She never knew why nor did she ever ask or check. She says he never hurt or abused he but she was difinately under his control. I say this because she is different now. They divorced in 1965 during my final exams from my senior year. My mom is a strong woman now and has a mind of her own. She did not then. I remember her telling me now don't tell your dad. That was said if I got something new--drerss,toy,dinner out, etc. Anything I got other than what the money he gave her for bills or groceries bought then I was not to tell him about it. She would scrimp on groceries so when he was olut of town working we could go out to eat as a treat, but we could not tell him.

Sorry, got off the subject, but it is coming back, maybe a little to quick for me.

Herc, yes, you are about to go into a meltdown, I have no doubt, and actually I am hoping to even push you into it.... unfortunately you need to face these fears and your mind wants to do that now... so let it go I say, just have backup to help you.

You mentioned above, "I know he loved my sister cuz I had to give up everything because of her" but that is not what I asked, nor what you said previous. You said, "he loved the babysitter more than he loved me." You also didn't answer what your mother asked you, did your father abuse you? What did he or another do in that cabin with you Herc?

AH the babysitter was a typo! But then it might not be. Anthony, I WAS THE BABYSITTER. OMG!!!! this is scarey

The abuse part and the cabin is still a b lack void or a blank. Take your pick. A lot of things are coming back to me but so far--nothing in the cabin, but I can see the inside of more than 1 cabin. There a 3 cabins. 2 are boats my dad owned but 1 of them isn't. can't place it or its owner.

My answer to mom was "I don't know. That;'s the problem" But I sure do have 1 hell of a headache right now. In fact, I've had 1 for several days. Doing deep breathing right now. Any more questions I can try and answer?

Anthony, what ever happened in the cabin, happened in the cabin of dads first boat--my age would be early teens. I can see every inch of that cabin and the others are not so clear. But I don't see anyone there with me.

My body right now is one huge knot. Every muscle is tight and I am so tense I can babely breath

Breathing seems to come up a lot in my posts, have ya noticed? Why would difficulty breathing be an issue?

Ok, lets go a different route then, please do the following here:

This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

Q1. What colour is the road?
Q2. What texture is the road?
Q3. How solid is the road?

You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

Q4. How do you cross the river?
Q5. What does the water look like?
Q6. How fast is the water current?
Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what?

You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

Q8. What colour is the house?
Q9. What condition is the house in?
Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who?

We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

Q11. What colour is the cup?
Q12. What condition is the cup in?
Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what?

You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail?
Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle?

Anthony

Tryed this exercise and all I see is a white page witha road outline winding off into ther horizon. The line drawing the road is black. But no color, no texture, no sights, no sounds. It is simply 2 black wavy lines side by side on a white background and void of anything else

Got a vision a couple of times, but I recognize it. It is my safe place I have invented in my mind. I mentally go there to relax and regroup and enjoy the feelings when I am there. Sorry