I have to admit if it wasn't for our little guy i think things would be harder to deal with. Hubby has two girls from his previous marriage that we see weekly so its nice to have that love that we get from the kids to keep us grounded.

Its interesting you say that Jods, "grounded", as I think my children have done that for me, and I have a 15 yr old teenage son who lives with us from my first marriage. Kids have that innocent ability to ensure you remain grounded, especially if you want them to be emotionally happy, and not materialistic. My kids definately help with that, though I must say, I have always been a pretty down to earth person, take no crap, call a spade a spade type person. If it moo's like a cow, eats grass like a cow, is milked like a cow, chances are, its a cow! :)

I know that my little fella certainly helps me keep my own PTSD in check, because god knows, he tests me daily. I think I always remain cognisant of the fact, that he doesn't understand. He just wants dad, he just wants to explore, he is only learning, thus I have to push all my inner PTSD feelings to promote anger down, analyze them so anger doesn't come out as a result, and ensure his emotional and physical well-being is taken care off as a priority. Someone said to me years ago now, that children help maintain sufferers symptoms, often because of their innocence. We somehow, and for some reason, need that innocence to help shield us from the harshness of society. I took that onboard anyway...

Its a funny thing though children, in that I was watching Opera the other day, and they had a fathers session going, where a specialist about how to be a better father said, and I quote, "children don't care how much money you earn, they only care about how much quality time you spend with them. Teenagers don't care about how much quality time you spend with them, they only care about how much money you earn!" That just hit me right between the looking gear, because having a 15 yr old and a 20 month old, I could instantly understand what the specialist was saying.

I saw that oprah one too. It's very true! Do you find that your little guy just seems to have that ability to come up to you & give you a hug when you're having a "low" moment? Our boy just seems to know when to stay away & give dad his space or hug him when he needs it.
I'm a bit like you in the a spade is a spade personality & hubby is the quiet calm one.

Yer, Alexander just comes up, yanks at me to pick him up, gives me a big hug and now pats us on the back, you know... when you cuddle them and give their little backs a pat and a rub, he now mimicks that with both of us... so cute. Alexander doesn't realise though when I am having a bad moment, I guess maybe just too young still, not sure, but I accept it, and know that he doesn't understand, and honestly, I don't think I would want him to stay away, as him poking and prodding me actually brings me back really quick to accep that he has needs that I must meet. I get a break when kerrie gets home from work, and she finishes up full-time work soon, and is then home full-time also for a year or so, so that will take some pressures off me, which I do like, because I really don't like it when the little one see's me if ill. Mind you though, I don't get ill very much anymore, but every now and then, things do creep up on me as anyone with PTSD, regardless how well we manage it, it still continues to popup every now and then to say hello and remind me of it presence.

I have never explained PTSD to my teenage son as yet, and don't know if I will just yet. He knows I have been in war zones, but to a teenager, they just want to know the "cool" stuff as perceived, ie. have you killed someone, have you seen bodies explode, etc etc... whilst really, if they actually witnessed or did any off these things themselves, chances are they could have a different attitude. I guess this is why I haven't told him, but he knows I have it, and that I get sick every now and then, and to not do (or atleast limit) stupid activities and things teenagers do to create stress for me. I love them both though... and my children really are the center of my world now. I never used to be like that before, and like some of those dads on Opera, I was like them, with a completely different perception of what a father role model was, but I know much differently nowadays.

Hubby's girls are 14 & 9, they know dad isn't well. Unfortunenatly for us the accident was on the news the night it happened. They didn't see the report but their mum was good and told them dad was in an accident. They have been good & they know if dad is having a bad day to give him space.
He use to only be home 1 or 2 days a week due to his job but as weird as this sounds i'm glad that he can now be home and spend real quality time with all of his kids.

Totally... I absolutely love being home now, and I recognise that I have missed out so much before, that I would never want to do that again. I used to work at one point, for approximately 16 - 18 hours a day, six days a week, in which time when home, all I did was have a shower, go to bed, wake up, and gone again. This was before I met kerrie-ann though, but I certainly missed a good proportion of my son growing up, and then when I went to the military, one year I was away for approximately 10 months, then around 6 months of every year being away. I know I can't make up for it, but I know now I can certainly just be a better dad that I used to be.

I think even after this next one is born in November, we will probably go back for another... just because we both love having them around so much. Its really good you love having your husband home now, as I used to get a bit off when either of us where in and out, but when we spent a year together at home when alexander was born, we kinda just got used to having each other around, which was a refreshing change from our previous schedules. I am looking forward to that again at the end of this year.

Just needed to put thoughts out of my head & on to something tangeable. Hubby is on medication change & after his visit to the gp today he told me he isn't coping too well.He has a party going on inside his head so we are on watch for the voices. So far so good but i have been told that if the voices start to have homicidial tendancies i'm to take him straight to hospital. I have lost my sense of humour today as we also found out that our income is going to drop in 6/8 weeks & our boy decided that today was a nice day to push me to my limit. Having said all that i'm going to find my hippy cd,light a stick of incense & think happy thoughts. thanks for letting me vent, it really helps.

Hey Jods,

The meds situation can be a hard one to deal with initially, to be honest I wasn't impressed that Anthony had been prescribed them initially but then was even less impressed after he (not the psychiatrist) decided to come off them. It's a scary ride for the spouse as I am sure it is for them as well. They don't how they are going to react and you are always walking on eggshells until they are settled. When Anthony came of his meds I could have easily strangled him. It frightened me because I was about to go back to full-time work and he was going to be looking after our toddler on his own. I tend to be the buffer zone in this house and am not shy now about telling my husband to pull his head in. He is much better than he was but sometimes reacts before he realises how loud or scary his big voice from this big person can be. It worried me that he would be alone with my son and unwittingly do one of his big booming voice things which would terrify an adult much less a toddler. To his credit he has done okay, I have had to remind him occasionally how scary he can be but I understand that a toddler, all day, everyday tests anyone's limits. They are everywhere, into everything, demanding lots.

Yeah, rough job that you have signed up for but you will need to keep an eye on him if things start going haywire in his head. Get him to help straight away, he may protest, he may tell you he is okay but if you doubt it.........get him to help. I have heard plenty of tales from spouses who have taken their husbands to hospital under protest. Even if we had the professional skills to deal with someone suicidal or extremely mentally ill, we are not emotionally removed from the situation to help.

In all of this don't forget to take care of you!! I am slowly starting to learn the art of self-care as a result of my immune taking a bashing and being pregnant. The boys put it quite well the other night, I said to Anthony that I was going to take maternity leave from work early because I just have too much on my plate. He said to me ' take some stress leave from work, after all you have a toddler, a husband with PTSD and the teenage piped up and said and said 'yeah and a pain in the ass teenager''. That pretty much covers it!

Hey Kerrie-Ann,

We went to the G.P today & hubby was honest with how he was feeling(still feels like shit, but he knows he still has control & is aware of his feelings). Dr told me what to watch out for & said we should be proud of how well we are doing. It was good to get affirmation that we are doing the best that we can.

I understand that walking on eggshells feeling. I am also aware that i have my limits & i'm not scared to let my feelings be known(in a calm way) to hubby if i don't know what to do or if -shock, horror, I'm having a bad day.

I'm at home with hubby & our boy & I understand what u mean about leaving them with the kids. I'll admit at first i didn't want to go to the shops "just in case" ayden did something to annoy dad while i was gone. After a while I thought bugger this, he's a grown man & doesn't need me watching him 24/7 "just in case". He loves ayden with all his heart & will keep him safe, besides kids just have that sense of keeping you grounded & they need that time to bond with dad. To them, it's just dad.

I do make sure I have ME time. I know i'm no good to anyone if I can't have that time to rest, relax & heal myself. I call it my "Shannon Noll" moment.

I don't blame you for wanting to leave work early. I think stress leave is a good idea! I hope you get the chance to do something girly for yourself soon.

Thanks & be kind to yourself

I'm so proud of my hubby!

We went to his new doctor today in the city ( a place we both avoid) and although he was pretty tired by the time we got home, he had a "good" day.

We both got a good vibe from this doc & he promised that he was a no BS type of guy. That made us both feel comfortable. Now the hard stuff is to come for hubby. Weekly visits into the city & a new type of therapy.

Let the ride begin.......

Hope everyone is taking care of themselves.

Jods