I was pondering this question of late, so I went a did a little research looking through some online singles profiles to see what is being said, and let me just say, most scare the hell out of me. Whilst I am not looking for a relationship, hell... I'm not even looking for female company at the moment, I just want some good time alone for a while, I am thinking about what I really want though from a partner, something that I could go into with my eyes wide open, and accept little less than some basics, being:

• a friend that you can share love, but is a friend first.
• self confidence and doesn't rely on being codependent upon myself for anything, can function by herself.
• can talk emotionally, but not drain me by being needie (comes back to self confidence). Big difference between emotional discussion and then outright emotionally needie.
• is not controlling, but more logical, in that neither party attempts to change the other in any way, simply co-exist and accept one another for themselves, but obviously being happy with that mould.
• someone who is successful and independent, whatever they have choosen to follow in life, simply apply themselves to that self goal.
• someone who looks after themselves, and whilst short periods in life people get lazy (acceptable), always comes back around to taking care of themself physically and mentally.
• a calm person, not aggressive, not passive, but assertive, confident, not stressful, not demanding, simply happy to be alive and healthy.

Maybe I am thinking too much, but I have thought about it recently with the change in my lifes marital status, and whether I want to even get involved again, whether someone I could truly co-exist with could even be found. My mind ponders.

What do you really want from your partner, single or married? What is the ultimate peace in your life within a relationship?

hello anthony how you doin?

Just read you thread and yes that is a wonderful recipe in a partner, I would like to add though that support in times of need is also an essential ingredient. As life throws up its surprises and nightmares support for each other is a major factor. To feel wanted and needed is a gift in itself I am not talking about co dependancy issues but genuine times where priorities need to be changed in order to love support and protect the needy one.

a good sense of humour comes in handy and the ability to laugh at onself is always a good sign.

Life is so very short and its peoples love and the way one treats and is treated with respect is a major contributor to a true relationship.

Team work is the key ....... i think

I like a Dalia Lama quote: Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

I think that these things are important:
Best mate
Open lines of communication
Sense of humour
Able to be comfortable to spend time on own & let you do the same when needed.

Oh, a big one I missed:

Honesty. When I say honesty, that comes with revealing things at the given time of distress, not six or twelve months later. Honesty is important, because what can no longer be resolved are issues that have been underpinning for twelve months before the other knows about them, and can deal with them. I think holding things from one another is the same a lieing to one another basically, because your not being honest and truthful. It often makes a person feel much better having all things out there, not held within.

You just described my wife. I fell in love with her 8 years ago and im willing, wanting to support her through this shit. She and i came on the forum a short time ago. But she has probably had PTSD for some time. I love her with all my heart. We had along talk last night. She says shes not goin anywhere.....yet. Shes numb, bitter, resentful, because of my kids, the problems with her kids, my alcohol problem, my guilt for my kids flows over onto her.

I didnt know alcohol that once the alcohol was out of your system it still had a left over affect. The next day - guess i should have known that. Since i quit a few weeks ago and all of this stuff has been goin on Im getting more and more depressed. I take responsibility alot maybe even for things that are out of my control.
After last night though this is the most depressed ive been in a long time. Ive got relationship issues being a door mat. Now i feel runner up in what i thought was my last and great marrage. i feel like ive failed and third times the charm or three strikes your out. I cant stand to see another on of my children go through a broken home. I mentioned to one of my co worker today i feel like nibblen on a the end of a gack. Im hurtin i hurt my kids and i cant do it again and live with myself. God life can be soooo ****ed up. I want to support her. But sometimes it hurts soo bad. Doesnt help im getting over the flu and ive had 2 hours of sleep.
Anthony I understand the cup theory. Or maybe i dont. So if one cup in your life runnith over in one area with PTSD. It shits all over everyother aspect of your life?

Hi Anthony
Honesty
Be truthful
Love
Respect
Sense of humour
Give me space
Healthy (Ha!)
Jen

That is the cup Ubu... when it overflows, regardless who's cup, if your surrounding it or living it, things go to shit very quickly until that cup is managed, being stress levels managed in all people surrounding you, relationship, children, etc. Everyone has one, and every person must manage their cup uniquely. PTSD is the difference to why a sufferers cup overflows much faster than without PTSD.

Ok thanks.... that clears it up.

ok.. its me.. (Ubu's wife) I know I've put Ubu in a horrible position. I've turned his life upside down. Mine feels the same, if not worse. I try to explain it to him, its so hard to do - when even I dont know whats going on.

I dont want to hurt anyone, yet I'm hurting everyone. And its killing me. Ubu is a good man, he deserves so many good things. I'm not fulfilling any of the things he deserves. Not even the basics. I'm trying, but I just cant.

I feel like my 'cup' is not only overflowing, but cracking too. Now Ubu is starting to 'crack'. I half-jokingly told him last night that only one of us was allowed to fall apart at a time.

I'm barely 'eeking' by.. I take my meds.. I'm trying to get 'in touch' with myself.. I see the shrink.. I do the workbooks.. I'm trying.. I just cant do it fast enough to fix things. I feel like I waited too long. :frown:

Time only makes it that little more difficult to change, but it can always be changed, being the human mind. The problem is your expecting immediate results, and that is unrealistic. Healing trauma takes a good year, learning to manage PTSD takes another good year. There's two years... not two months, but two years. Not everything is about trauma, somethings are about once you look at trauma and understand it, time must be allowed for the mind to really allow it to sink in.