I went shopping with my kids and a few friends yesterday. My23 year old son (the wounded Iraqi war vet) was with us. I know he is fell of anger and says innappropiate things in ALl the wrong places, but it has never been as bad as it was yesterday. We were in a store. A young lady probably of Muslim decent (I assume this because of her head wrap) walked by. My son came unglued.... F*cking Iraqi's (in a loud voice) They all need to be dead! The don't belong in our F*cking country... all the time staring with hate in his eyes at a young woman that was maybe... 20 yrs old. She just lowered her head and walked faster. I assumed she is accustomed to an occasional out burst like this???? He quickly went to the check out mumbling all the time... I want out of this @%$^@$ store. They serve rag heads like that.... I just want out! I just wanna KILL someone. At this point he wa quieter.. but still carrying on and still VERY angry. I was 2-3 minutes behind him... after getting our group together to leave. Once I got to the car he had regained his composure and acted like nothing happened. I asked if he was ok. He said "yeah, I'm fine they just don't deserve to here!" and he dropped it. We went on to the mall. He seemed fine and then after about an hour, he just snapped again. I have a 2 year old and she loves to play and run. She broke loose from my hand and ran about 15 feet ahead of me. laughing and giggling all the way. An older couple watching her, smiled, because she had made "the Great Escape" she kept turning around to see if I was chasing her.... the game was ON! My son came unglued again. He started screaming "F*cking heathen" she is sooo out of control! My daughter is a very good baby (far better then he was as a baby lol!) and once again I don't know what triggered him. He was out of controll again! He grabbed his head and just bent over in the middle of the mall. Then he stood up and walked away. I chased after him and said we were leaving and we would see him in the car. I went out of my way to say this calmly, unsure of how he would react. He said fine I don't want to be near you. I'll find my own way home.. We were over an hour away from home. I called around for about 20 minutes trying to get him a ride. No one was home. After about 30 minutes he came back and once again acted like nothing happened.
I've never seen him that bad! It scared me! He LOVES children! He has several kids that think the world of him. Could have he actually hurt his baby sister? What about these other kids? He watches them from time to time!
I want to figure out how to prevent these outbursts, but short of not taking him anywhere... I don't know how to do that. Any advice?????

It sounds like your son is on a very short fuse at the moment and going to the mall was too much pressure. He currently needs to be in control and that is how he feels safe. By going to the mall he is going to an area that is out of his control. Your baby was out of control to him, the muslin woman is a reminder of the war, all in an environment that is busy, with lots of people and things going on that he also cannot control.

To give you an example, I have PTSD caused by a car crash so I cant stand, cars, noises made by cars, reeving engines and loads of things like that. I need to be safe by whatever means. So when I go to the supermarket and hear cars tyres screeching in the car park, I get scared/angry or upset. But I also get upset when my washing machine starts spinning! I dont like the noise and the vibration. Its just a trigger that sends me back (usually unconsciously to my crash). With your son he feels just about able to handle himself ordinarily but if anything, like seeing the muslin woman, pushes him he explodes. He then feels unsafe.

Anger is really fear in lots of cases. He is frightened in the environment.

what you say makes sense. I saw him as atacking "weaker" people. I understood the muslum woman triggered the whole war thing, but I was very confused by him getting so mad at "children" there was a situation in the public bathroom where 3 lil boys (all about 10 years old) were picking on another lil boy. I can see how he would have felt the situation was out of control. He handled that tactfully, but when he told me about it, he was SOOOO upset! I was driving most of the time, but he has such road rage any more! He has changed so much since he came home. He used to be a silly, fun-loving lil farm boy that liked to play practical jokes. Now his emotions are always on edge. He gets offended so easily. And the Gods forbid... someone plays a practical joke on him! Not a pretty site! I'm going to go see him today. I'm kinda nervous about it. Willow will have to go with me. But I can't abandon him. I hope just being there for him will help. I miss my boy! ~Norma -Mom to K

Yes, I bet you do. The thing is he probably misses himself too. Does he tell you about how he feels? You could try asking him how he felt about going to the shops. Not about the specific times when he lost it, just in general. See if you can help him make sense of the situation. Its hard to accept at first when all these feelings are going round. He may well feel bad about the way he was or guilty or just angry. It will help if you are able to work it out a little together and let him know you care about him and dont judge him. He needs understanding from you more than anything. Good luck, he's lucky you care so much for him .

Huggs! Thank You Claire!

Nerm,
He is going to have to have someone to talk to. This pressure is biulding to a point that if he can't let it out in a healthy way, to someone who will listen and not try to 'fix' him this pressure will come out in ways that will not be so healthy. He is the only one that can heal, but he needs to know how. Can you get him on here?

Wayne

I have mentioned the forum to him several times. He finds it interesting that I'm going to a site like this and listens to what I have learned... read... I suggested that he come here and just read for a while. Get to know how the forum is set up. He is not ANti-forum. But he says it would be dangerous for him to go here (I thnk it is an excuse) He says once you get "labeled" you have trouble getting jobs and everyone looks at you like a freak. He had a few friends get out of the Army as "nut cases" (his words) and doesn't want labeled like them. He doesn't live with me. He lives in the same town as his sister and neither of them have vehicles, so I usually go there. Next time he is here I will try to get him on here under my name so he can just read and not be signed up himself. When I saw him yestreday, he scooped up the baby and gave her a huge hug. He knows what he did was wrong and I think it scared him, but he doesn't admit to it.

~Norma -Mom to K

Hello Norma, he doesn't have join to look at the forum. I know what he means about being labelled but he doesn't have to tell anyone yet does he! It can be private until he feels he wants to tell people. He's right people label you, judge you etc. you just have to work out who to tell and who not too. I dont go broadcasting my PTSD to everyone. No-one knows that I haven't told and tried to explain it to. I dont see myself as a victim either. Going on a forum is more about accepting the situation and wanting to get better. I think he might actually find some comfort in seeing he's not the only one experiencing the things he is.

I haven't been back on her to reply to your posts. Sorry. I have been spending a lot of time with K. we have been discussing the situation, but in very small amounts. For example, if he gets frusterated I calmly tell him " you have to get your emotions under control before you blow up. If you need to just walk away... count to 10 or higher if needed... just get away and regain control again. I know things were terrible, but you have to come up with a way to control it. (hugg him) I know you are a sweet heart, quit acting like a butthead. (long story about the butt head comment... we call each other that affectionately. Even the people you love get emotional at times and that is our way to point out when someone is "troubled")

I know I can't "fix" him. I know he has to do it himself. But I am determined to keep the 2-way conversation open. And hopefully say something that will benefit him from time to time.

Hello,

You mentioned your son was injured??
Just a question, has he been physically disabled by this injury at all?

The reason I ask this, is because if he is in pain or unable to do thing he used to... it tends to 'cause frustration.

I don't personally know your son,
but I've had similar outburts (thankfully no racial ones!) against people in public.
There are many possible reasons for your sons outbursts.
He could have been having an extremly stressful day,
and those incidents could have triggered him emtionally.
Also I'm sure in the army your son was taught that people from iraq were evil/wrong/terriosts/etc.

Honestly your son is the only one that can answer why he did that.
But being someone with PTSD,
his "fits" don't really suprised me.