Once again you all affirm what I've been experiencing. It is to me a most embarrassing symptom. I don't want to hear everything and I have tried the earplugs, then the silence is SO loud! Working in a cubicle environment is the pits.

So much for auditory - or hypercussis (sp?) (thanks for the new vocab). Does anyone else out there experience obsessive visual monitoring? I must always know what's going on around me, and 360 degrees if possible. Watching, again for any signs of potential danger of abuse I guess.

It's exhausting and leads often to zoning out and just plain staring, sometimes cognizant sometimes oblivious to it.

OH my word!! That was me! When I first read the three sixty visual....I thought automatically to my experience and how I would dissociate...and then you said zoning out, another way of saying dissociation! Weird! Yep, that was me. It would be overwhelming to get from my car to the store because I couldn't see behind me and in front of me at the same time. So instead, I looked like a fool running into the store looking back several times with my heart pounding in my stomach. I also had a thing with the dark. I had to make sure the light was on BEFORE I stepped into a room. I would not enter a place that was dark. Driving in the dark was also hard. It is borderline paranoia, but when you think about our traumas, it makes total sense to be hypersensitive. We know bad things happen. We know what it feels like and in order for it to never happen again, we are cautious. Luckily, over time, these symptoms do wane and for me, almost disappear.

The dissociation would happen if I was forced to be in the dark or forced to do something that was scaring me and my choice was either to dissociate or go absolutely loony. I chose to dissociate. It does work for a time....and it doesn't draw as much attention as going loony. I was able to work in surgeries doing this. I just did it, but with absolutely no emotion what so ever...

There is light. Imagine life not being afraid of a dark corner, or of strangers. Imagine able to feel happiness, just pure love and contentment. Imagine laughing so hard that your stomach hurt and looking back at your past in awe because you made it out alive and well.....

Thanks, Nam, for responding with your experience. I'm really just starting to come to terms with this on a deeper level. It seems to come back when I least expect it and there is an underlying paranoia, pervasive.

Do you still experience this? I have to admit sometimes dissociating does feel very good, insulating. Hmmm. Do you 'unlearn' this?

I have that too, its called hypervigilence. It's a symptom of the PTSD. My therapist told me that because of what happened, we have a heightened sense of awareness to protect ourselves. I can hear most of every converstation and I catch myself when I'm talking to people or doing something looking around because I need to know whats going on around me. Don't worry......apparently it's normal for us PTSD people. :crazy-eye

Thanks, Bella, I can't tell you how long I've wondered about the tendency I have to feel 'not present' and actually feel invisible.

I think because my trauma happened at age 13 and NO ONE seemed to notice what a private HELL I was going through, that I began to believe that I didn't exist.

I would sometimes have to go out in the extreme cold just to make myself feel. Only my grandparents commented when they thought that I was asleep that they thought something was wrong with me because I seemed to have no energy.

Freaked me out. Someone was noticing but letting them in would totally blow my 'keeping it together' to not let anyone know that I'd totally lost my mind.

Yikes. Thanks for letting me dump, group. I'm now getting closer to 50 than 15! Amazing what the mind can do with so much pain, eh?

You all are amazing. I'm glad to have found this group.

A1, your certainly not invisible, and its sad that any child has to feel that way to be honest. I know my children certainly don't feel that way, as I juggle their well-being with my time, and work commitments also.

Its great that you are getting these things out of you, because they certainly do you no good bottling them up inside. Well done...

I think I can put that back at you also A1, in that you yourself are amazing, for being here, for helping yourself... a huge step for any of us with PTSD.

Thank you, Anthony for the great words of encouragement. I like the nickname "A1" by the way!

When I see 13 year old children now I realize that they are very vulnerable, and young children. How mature I thought I was at that age, and evidently I was, but none the less, a child.

I erased some of the details I was going to share and I won't post them today, maybe only share in therapy as just this is stressful enough, as it awakens the terrible fear of exposure, of making myself vulnerable to others.

Is this knowing boundaries and self protection, or a cop out, I'll decide later!

Your idea and hard word for this site is helping, Anthony. Continue to protect your children, they need it.

Just having the ability to say this much and see the courage of others participating in their healing is so helpful.

I can totaly relate A1 as it happened to me when I was young to. The isolation one puts onself through when at that age we are still learning how to socialize and stuff. I sappose the hypersensitvity is why the consentration is so low, we are trying to take everything in when don't need to at the time and numbing when I should not.

it amazes me the things that seem to go along with ptsd. i also have super-sensitive hearing.(the neighbors phone,vaccuum, kids talking in other classes. i also have a very keen sense of smell, don't know if that's part of it or not. but, it has me up, looking around for smoke, or a peculiar odor all time of the day or night. usually, its someone outside grilling, or burning leaves or something, but i have to find the source.
i had a strange thing happen about a month ago--i was telling a friend how i can get my teeth filled without novacaine (i just sort of take myself out of me somehow and while you can feel it, it doesn't hurt) she immediatley asked me if i was abused????? she knows nothing of my childhood. it took me aback, but i finally just asked her what gave her that idea. leaves me wondering now, if i'm some kind of oddball, or if this is a common thing too. anybody know? Cookie

Maybe just the ability to numb your own self pain cookie... as I can do this very well... basically I can turn pain off within any part of my body, at any time. Definately something to do with the way PTSD has rewired me...

A1, your welcome. I looked at your name, and thought to myself... A1, now that is a pretty appropriate abbreviation from your username, something that I though might just give you a lift... which obviously it had some desired effect. Good stuff. Everyone needs to be told they are worth something, are good, are worthwhile human beings.... as we all are in our own unique and individual way.

Oh yes... my kids get nothing short of excessive love from me... just the way I like it. I don't want them growing up with excessive baggage from childhood. We all get baggage alone our lives, but the amount is what changes significantly depending on how we are raised. I want my kids to start life as adults knowing they have someone who just loves and supports them, whatever decisions they make, even the silly ones.