Thank you Evie, I am trying to stay positive, but it does push me emotionally when returning there. I will be fine I am sure, even if just an act for my son's sake.

Okay, so I redid my "road interview" last evening, just wanted to see if it differed, have not checked yet as it actually took more out of me this time. So...I wake up at approx. 3 a.m. from a dream, I dreamt the "road interview" I was in the road interview, No cup, No House, No obstacle. But the road and the river and bridge were there as well as the fields in the distance with trees and stone walls. As I awoke I realized I was in a snow globe, my sister was holding the globe in her hands. There obviously was no water in the globe, just the dust from the road that would swirl up with her slightest movement. I have this deep in my thoughts this morning and I now realize, she is my obstacle, I need to get past her. I within minutes of waking up realize I need the glass to break to allow the dust to be set free. This dream is deep.

OMG, my anxiety is high. I am trying to push back the feelings of seeing my sister, but cannot. I know I am having very vivid nightmares right now, but after I wake up they fade fast. I am sure I will not have to see her much as she tends to fill up her schedule when I am out there, but what if? I am a ball of nerves.

OMG the cats are playing....I just turned to tell the big one to be quiet as he was scurrying around and realized he is playing with the new one. I guess they are going to be friends, that makes me happy and relieved a bit.

I have so many reason to be anxious right now, however the one that takes the cake is seeing my sister. Not only seeing her, but being in the house that the abuse happened or should I say the majority of it happened. I will come back from this trip stronger having been able to face it and control myself once again.

Today is "Pizza in the Park" day here. My stomach is in knots. My little one is starting to really get excited in a good way and he does not realize I am living on Imodium. My little old poodle is whining at me alot, I think he realizes that I am going somewhere. I always worry when I go anywhere that he will die while I am gone, he is just so old. As long as my older son makes sure he gets his meds and that he gets his rest he will be fine. Pissed but fine, he gets mad at me upon my return. I am his Mom. I hope my sister works a whole hell of a lot when I get there. She usually spends most of her time working or in her room when I am there, I hope this time is no different. I know if my nephew comes to see me, she will sit there as she is afraid that we will spill the beans of what we endured. What she does not realize is we spilled them long ago, but my mom is too afraid to say a word. So many memories flood me at this time.

Well, I am back from the island and all went well with the arm. My bad sister was uncomfortingly sweet to me. Kind of scary. I mean we were civil and I actually had no real issues while there. I drove past the area of my assault during the road days, I felt nothing, absolutely nothing when going past. Very strange, I think I may have overprepared mentally thus repressing any real emotion. My best buddy Colleen died. I cannot picture not having her in my life, that is just shattering to me. Her favorite expression was "thats fu&*in lovely". I am selfish and relieved that I did not see her number on my caller ID, I was so scared she may have tried to reach out and we were not there. But she didn't.

I hate it when fmaily act out of the ordinary and are extremely nice, I'm always expecting them to do something hurtful while my back is turned. I don't think I could visit my hometown... been putting off a trip for a while because I'm too afraid of going back. Must have been pretty hard...

Sorry to hear about your friend.... not sure what else to day other then what I did in my reply to your message. Well, hope you have a good nights rest.

jaa ne

Kat

So I am grounded right now and that sucks. My car has a timing/distributor problem that I hope is going to be addressed tomorrow or the next day by family member. Ed's car is overheating and needs to visit the shop on monday for a thermostat. Ed will be going out of town on Tuesday so he will naturally be taking his fixed car at that time, so I am hoping my car is drivable by then.

I killed a baby scorpion on my porch yesterday, too close to the house for sure. My dog has been licking his mouth alot and I am hoping he was not stung, he is eating now and acting better so I am guessing he is okay. My poodle tryed to put his back out again yesterday and freaked me out, as I know his time is limited, he is just soooo old.

I keep thinking of Coleen and cannot seem to pass over the thought that she should not be dead. Its like I know she did it, but cannot believe she did it. I cannot shake the feeling she did it by accident, maybe that is my denial. Coleen was so alive, funny, and full of spunk that this is the last thing I expected. I could see a motorcycle accident, car accident anything but suicide. She loved her husband soooo much and was a great mom and grandma too. I cannot picture what happened in her mind to make her do this. I know she had a fight with her older son Bruce that morning. I know she called her mom and said "goodbye", so I know there was no fowl play. But.....she had been through so much in her life and horrible things and managed to overcome and still laugh, I guess she reached a breaking point. Her son Bruce and his wife came to the Memorial and they only stayed about an hour, I know he feels guilty about what happened, I know this was probably what Colleen wanted, but it is not going to change Bruce one Iota, so now her grandbaby is pretty well doomed.

I sat and held her younger son in my lap, he curled up and we just held each other. I know this sounds strange by James is 17 and yet when I held him he was just little James the baby I always knew. I know that I am going to have to remain in his life, would not have it any other way. However, I am worried about him and his mental state right now. His counselor's were at the memorial and he had to take pills in front of his dad, I am thinking he is probably a bit suicidal at this time.

Colleen is not scattered yet, she remained in an Urn covered by red velvet and she needs to be scattered and not kept on the entertainment center. This I felt is unhealthy for Chris and James. The clothes were still hanging to dry as she had left them the day she died. Nothing is touched. I think Chris needs to box up alot of her clothes and such and not make her presence or absence so "in your face". Opinions from you if you are in my diary reading this would be appreciated.

Suicide is probably the hardest thing to deal with because there are so many questions revolving in ones head about wither they could have saved the person if they had done something different. Also letting of of the notion that the person might actually return is very hard. I've seen a few suicides in my life and each one is hard to deal with. I remember one of my friend's father shot himself in the basement and my last memory of her was her sitting on the stairs awaiting for him to come back. Just last year I was helping out a pair of sisters and the youngest took her life. It was very hard and I still find myself thinking of them. The oldest sister refused to pack up any of her sisters things for months until she noticed her little boy was sitting in the room awaiting his aunt to return. After 3 month she packed up the girl's room for the sake of her little boy, but it hurt her dearly doing just that.

I think some people need to feel that the person will return to them and need time to realize the person is not coming back before they can cope with life again. Leaving things as they are is sometimes a way to remember things as they were. I've heard of families losing children and never changing the bedroom until years down the road. It seems to be a normal part of grieving. The only time to really worry is when their normal routes in life get effected by the loss, not going to work or school and the like. Give them some time and see how they are in a month or so. One never knows how quickly one will recover.

Anyways, Sorry to not give much advise.

jaa ne

Kat

Okay, so the car is in the shop to be fixed, mine is not yet, but at least after tomorrow we should have a car again, that will help.

I spoke with Marilyn on the phone yesterday and we just chatted and she let me vent about Colleen and all that has been on my mind. This was very helpful to me to actually speak to someone about it.

I am hungry right now and find that I am getting accustomed to being hungry once in a while again. I think this is a good thing as I have been eating with every bare hint of hunger for several years now and not fighting back the hunger. I really believe I will benefit from this, however I also believe this is not easy. I think once I return to working it will get easier.

I started a good book yesterday and am about 1/2 through it. It is called "gone but not forgotten" and is a definate hard to put down kind of book. However I have had a bad headache for approx. 2 days now and still think I may be kicking the caffeine. Not sure.

My sister Pat (the mean one) sent me a hat from Puerto Rico and I am really worried. I don't know what she is thinking, we have not even exchanged so much as a card over the years. The hat is nice, but I beyond have no trust that she is even trying to have a "truce". I will remain civil while waiting for the real reason for her civility. Something doesn't smell right. Something is up.

Port, your doing a great job getting things out here. I was just reading through all your last work, and I must say, your handling things, which means your looking at what you feel. Denial is ok for a while, though we must come to terms with what the facts are, what the rational process is.