Okay, so today is okay other than I don't feel good, kind of like I think I am coming down with something. I feel out of sorts.

I called my Mom a couple of days ago and while we were talking, my mom says "Pat says hello". Okay this floors me. So I said "hello" back through my mom. (Twilight Zone music ringing in my head). I just don't get it ....lol.

So, My car cost $700.00 that I did not have and still overheats. Hmmmm....thats crap. Then the Air conditioning is making odd noises and the overheating seems to exemplify when I run the air. So....I won't run the air.

I continue to eat healthy with the protest of my one son. He feels I am taking it too far, I don't, this is actually not that hard. And I am afraid to admit it, but my clothes are getting looser. Something is happening here. I was doing leg lifts a couple of days ago and pulled something in my right groin area. That hurt for day, did not work out for the past two, let it heal. Will resume today!!!

Had a very strange dream. Was wierd more than scarey. I was with my friend Scott. We had a lovely visit, laughing and having a picnic. They say dreams don't last long but this felt real long and was so nice. One problem, Scott died three years ago. I may sound odd, but I feel like he came to me and I feel more closure now. However, he made it clear that would be our last visit. Strange as heck.

The past two days were very hard on me. I would love to write about it in here and just vent but don't know if I am allowed to write about someone else threatening suicide and what I went through subsequently. Am I? I am going to ask this in the ptsd forum and hopefully we can give me a look at the ground rules for this. I went through so many tears that I am sick. I have trots terribly, and my headache is unreal. Could not sleep and like a crutch drank coffee and took NoDoz today, I am not going off my change of lifestyle diet, just need any help I can get today so call it a treat. By the way, on a better note, clothes are mega loose now, cannot wear pants I wore in NY they will fall to my ankles, still have not gotten on a scale, and probably won't but definately took off a substantial amount, no turning back on this one.

I have been so unbearably grumpy lately I cannot even stand myself. I bite the heads off of family members because I don't want to hear the word "mom" so much. My son walked up behind me while I was on the computer and I gave it to him with both barrels, hate that, do not walk up behind me, he should know better, he does know better, but I could have handled it different.

I just am very irritable and cannot seem to shake it. I have been dealt alot lately and I am not going to get on a pity pot, but I have been turning it all inward and think its eating me alive. Enough is enough and too much is TOO MUCH.....

I am going to go back to bed now as for two days now I have this in and out feeling like I am going to pass out. Think it may be an ear infection, hope its an ear infection. I am going to watch "wild hogs" and try and find something to amuse me.

Port,


Sorry that you are having a rotten couple of days....The anger issue can be tough. If you know what's bothering you can you try to break it down some into a more manageable playing field. So to speak???

Yes we all have the things that bother us, and coming up behind me is one of them too. My customers scare the shit out of me all the time. They don't mean it, and I have now learned to laugh about it. That is once I can get my heart to stop. My customers really really try NOT to scare me, but no matter what they do......Well you know.

Hang in there, better days are coming...

Wen

Can you believe I did it again today. OMG....is my son Paul trying to piss me off or what. He got nasty and spiteful this time and is now in his room hiding. I told him, "what do I need to do pepperspray you to make a lasting impression so that you don't come up behind me". I feel bad that I said that, but Christ when is he going to learn to stop the crap.

Now, I am going to vent a minute and then run and hide as is the norm lately. As you know I lost my best girlfriend to suicide recently. I am having a hard time with this and it is just adding to it all right now. About 3 weeks ago my significant other came home, we have been drifting apart for literally 6 years now and he works tons. With this new job of his, he was literally working 18-21 hours a day, 7 days a week. So, kind of like living with a ghost, hell I would get more company out of a ghost. But....sadly my little one, was devastated, he never got to see his dad and he loves his dad. So, I kept telling him for the past months that he needs to prioritize and spend a bit of time at home with his son. No Luck. Well, he finally cracked from all the hours and came in and was stumbling literally from exhaustion and said, "I cannot take this anymore", "I hate my job", "I hate my life", "I am not happy", "I cannot do this", "I would be better off dead, then my bills would all be paid off and then you would be cared for", "you guys would be better off", "I want to put a bullet in my head, then I can sleep". So, he was crying and crying a real breakdown for sure. So, I watched him for his whopping two hours of rest and then he was up and off to work. I talked to my son, then my mom, then decided I need to get the guns out of the house for sure. Also, what if he decided to take us with him. Well, I also decided to speak with his sister to try and figure how to get him help. Ed has always warned me that if I tell his family anything, he would kill me, but que sera sera, I don't intimidate that easily and I am not going to stand by while he may off himself and not at least try and do something to help him out. So, I told his sister everything and she in turn called his mom out and we met at the park so not to expose the little guy to anything derogatory about his dad. His mother started questioning me, "what is your relationship like these days?" "have we fought" I told her the truth, "what relationship" and "time to fight, hah, I never see him, I am lucky to get to say "hi" in a 48 hour period. Big breath.........

So, as we sit at this park, his mom gets watery eyed and then says, "if he does not come to me for help I will not help him", "does he want help". I told her after the breakdown the night before I would assume he did. Well, she essentially did not want to get involved. GREAT!!!! Useless weak women, gotta love em, someone does anyhow. So....I talk more to his sister as she brings me to the house and we load up the weapons for transport to her basement.

I told her that I wanted to intervene his job this day and tell him that he needs to go back to his old job. He would be taking a loss of approx. 18,000 a year, but we could survive on potato's and mac and cheese if we had to. It sure beat him dying. So, we concocted a plan, go to his job and say there is a family emergency to get him out for a bit and talk to him.

It was not a lie, it was a family emergency, "HIM". So, we went there and did it and he came with us to his sister's house.

Now, I might add that I don't exactly love Ed's family, mostly his dad, he is a bastard for lack of a better word. I have felt that way for a long time, always remained civil regardless of what the domineering, womanizing, degrading bastard had to say. I have dealt with him for 8 years and never ever had a comment to piss him off other than once and that was just a mini discretion. He loves to be the boss, he loves to control ed and treat him like a little boy, he treats ed poorly and ed cowers. Ed will run around him like a puppy trying to get approval and do anything that da da says because he was mildly abusive to ed enough so that it left him eager to please to gain approval from his daddy. He will never get said approval because nothing is good enough for that man, if he has nothing or no one to bitch about and make miserable he is not happy, so he bitches and controls and makes all that come in contact with him as miserable as he can. NOW THAT WAS A MOUTHFUL!!!!!

So, did I mention that Ed cannot pay his own bills, all bills go to Daddy and Daddy pays them and Ed gives his check to DADDY. Daddy has our house in his name, the cars in his name, land in his name, etc....etc....etc.....Whatever, I don't plan on marrying ED, I mean he tells people we are common law, but I am getting to where I claim him less and less as Hah, we are distant friends. I communicate more with my Mom and she is 1800 miles away.

So, we sit him down to talk to him at his sister's. He starts crying and his sister who really did appear to understand told him that we are behind him and that he really needs to give up that job and go back to the old one so that he could be happy again.
Well, sis calls ed's mom. So, she comes to the sister's and Ed breaks down and tells her everything. He explains that he cannot afford to go back to his last job and take the pay cut, because when he got the new job his dad had raised what he owed him to keep us without. Well, right about then who pulls up in front. Daddy......

Well, he comes in and asks Ed if he is that unhappy with his job and told Ed that he best get out of there and go back to his old job then. But....then he says, "Don't tell me its just the job ed, its your family too". ed and everyone stayed silent, cause BOSS HOG was speaking and they all fear his evil ass. So, he feels he has a captive audience an since he takes 90% of our money to live and I am still out of work with my arm he holds all the cards, Right? Wrong.......So, he continues on and says, "I call the house and can hardly hear because of the dogs in the background (he hates animals by the way and they hate him too) Logan causing a fuss, don't know how you can sleep in that house" "you could come home and live with us". I forgot to add, his mother said that at the park too, that maybe he should go home and stay with them so he can get his rest. Yeah, he will rest better for his two hours at their house, blow off his family and maybe she can breastfeed her baby Eddie for sup sup too...
Goo ****ing GaH

So I had a bit of a setback this week, not a huge one, but a setback non the less. I had severe anger issues with Logan's school and lack of security in it. I fell silent during a board meeting I was so scared that I would let the beast out if I opened my mouth, made me aware that he is still very alive inside me. I am so mad thought terrible thoughts and have been working through it on my essentially and trying to do the rational and politically correct thing and not lose it and ruin my chances of leading parents to a victory over the school board. I know this does not make sense to most, but had to vent non the less. I am so freaking pissed that I could just choke someone....grrrrrr.

Lost my temper today with my eldest and said some very horrible things, I hate when this happens. I just lose it, part of me at the time feels that I do well as at least I just say horrible things and I do not do horrible things, but no excuses Theresa, you have to control that anger. Grrrrr.......I threatened him in a way or sorts and I really mean it at that second, I have to get a grip on myself and hope it does not happen again. grrrr...

Hey Portabella -

You are under an incredible amount of pressure. Not sure I wouldn't have buckled already and hid . . . somewhere.

My dad sounds very similar to Ed's dad ergo an asshole. Mostly a drunk asshole.

He dominated the family by being brutal and cruel. Although, my brother took a placating attitude, and paid for it later, I for some reason, and I have always been this way, was defiant.

Like up yours bitch. Your just a drunk asshole. Why should I let u make me feel bad.

Must have been my mothers influence . . . she never backed down from him. Factually, she'd attack first sometimes if she saw a fight coming. Thank God for women . . . although I don't understand them. The simple mind of Men . . . lol.