Anthony & Kerrie-Ann,

I want to thank you both for putting this site together. I have been living with a sufferer of PTSD for over 6 years without knowing what was going on. I knew she had many ghosts in her closet, and even knew what some of them were, but I had no idea that she was being so controlled by them. At times I just figured that I was the cause of her misery! That is what made it very confusing when she would tell me how much she loved me, and didn't want to lose me. "Well, then," I'd think to myself, "quit trying to run me off!" I would tell her all the time that I wasn't going to leave her, and she would follow that up with an explosion of gargantuan proportions. At times, I thought she was trying to run me off, but then she'd tell me how she couldn't bear the thought of loosing me. HUH?? I can not tell you what kept me from pulling all my hair out and running away screaming like a mad man, but I didn't. I love her with all my heart, and I knew she was worth fighting for. I'm just glad that we have finally come to a point where there is an end in sight, and an explination at hand.

I read the poem about listening, and boy, did that hit home. I can relate to the guy who mentioned how it was in him to fix the issues, that's what he did the best. Well, that's the approach I take, too. Why would you come to me with a problem if you don't want me to do something about it? I still don't get it, but I understand the need to be the listener when that's what she is seeking.

Anyway, thanks again for this site, and for the answers. And thank you for the help and support you have given my wife. She has gotten so much from you and all of those who post here. I will forever be in your debt, you have given me my wife back!

Kim's Man

... I don't even know what to say... (usually I just babble on forever!)
The tears are just streaming down my face.

Thank for you being so supportive of Kim,
you are both very special people :)

This is awesome....beyond words.

Mate, thanks for the support and kind words, but honestly, everyone here that acts in this community helps one another, so it really is a community effort. Kim is fixing herself, not so much anything we are doing, but more what she is doing for herself. We provide the support, the information and techniques that are known to work and be helpful, then how each person uses them, is up to them, and whether they proactively want to make themselves better or not.

Its great that you can see a broader understanding of Kims issues, especially in others posts here, and that its certainly not your fault, and I think you need a huge amount of credit for the support and love you give Kim. Spouses are very much forgotten in PTSD, and spouses like yourself mate, are few and far between, especially as males. Most run for the hills and ditch, but you have really supported your wife well, and I think you have done a brilliant job yourself. Well done.

It will certainly take Kim a little while to fully come to terms with it all, but each person is different in recovery times for the worst part of things, and if we stick to the positives, we always win eventually. Your support would be a huge effort in Kim's recovery though... and I would say most likely the most significant part of her recovery, and your continued support will only ensure her recovery a speedy race to the finish line.

Its often so hard for us with PTSD to express to our partners, whether male or female, what exactly is going on within us, as it is like a cement mixer combined with a timebomb, mixing, mixing, mixing, waiting to explode at any minute, then when we do, we go back to mixing again.

Mate, you have done a great job though, and you have one hell of a wife for wanting to get herself past the final stages of her PTSD to live a better life with you. Congratulations to you both I say. So many relationships end before any resolution or even diagnosis comes around, and those like you who continue to remain together and fight through as a pair, deserve more credit than you know. It is a tough road PTSD, and it is a tough road as a spouse to be with someone with PTSD. Well done.

Thank you all for the kind words, especially you, Anthony. It has been an interesting journey, to say the least.

The change that went through Kim after she found this site and was able to read the accounts of others who have been experiencing the same issues as her was the turning point. Once she realized that others were going through the exact same turmoil that she was, it was as if a light were turned on. And believe me when I say the change was instantaneous. When she began the search for information about PTSD, she was in a very depressed mood, and had been talking about how everybody would be better off if she wasn't around, and how she didn't know what she did to deserve feeling like this, and on and on. You all know what she was going through, and that is what made the difference, YOU WERE THERE AND SAYING THE SAME THINGS AND FEELING THE SAME THINGS!! Kim was no longer alone. How great it is when you come to the realization that you are no longer the odd man (or woman) out, and that not only are there others feeling the same way, but they are willing to discuss what they are going through and talk about what works for them, what gets them through the day.

And for us on this side of the fence, it is great to have some of the answers, to know what is going on, and how to best deal with it. Glad to hear I'm not alone either!

Thanks,

Warren

Hey Warren,

Mate, you a dime a dozen though when it comes to spouses, and I think many here can back that, as more often than not, a spouse allows the sufferer to push them out of their lives, with little fight, or they simply giveup, and not fight for what they love. I have a whole lot of admiration for you mate, as I know what I have put my wife through, and she would not allow me to push her away, instead fought me tooth and nail to ensure I got help, and remained part of her life, and her in my life. Congratulations mate, for both you and Kim.

I look forward to chatting with you more.

Thanks for the kind words, Anthony. I appriciate them. And I appriciate this forum and the feed-back that can be had here. So, I want to ask a question.

During those times when a sufferer of PTSD is acting out, yelling or being destructive, what is going through your mind? I know that Kim will tell me she doesn't know why she does some of the things she does, that she doesn't feel in control. It's not that she blacks out and does something destructive, she know's she's doing it, but doesn't know why, and can't control it.

I guess what I would like to know is, when acting out, are you looking at the spouse and seeing the original offender? Or is it more a, "I want you to hurt and suffer the same way I am!" type of thing? And during a destructive phase, when items are being broken, is there no feeling of consequences of your actions? If an item of significant worth is being destroyed, does it cross your mind that there will be financial reprecussions (the cost of repair/replacement) due to your actions? I can't comprehend how a normally rational person can loose sight of their basic right-vs-wrong concepts for a short period of time.

Anthony, I'm not saying you fit any of the above. I am talking in generalizations, and hope that someone will be able to shed some insight into this for me.

Thanks for listening. I am really looking forward to responses to this one.

Warren

I don't know about anyone else, but when I get to "losing it" mode, it's all about survival. It's as basic as that - just trying to survive. Material things don't tend to register as important when your in that frame of mind. Of course, afterwards, when you've got yourself calmed down, then you trigger into depression cos you feel so bad about what you broke and how you lost control AGAIN.

It's one of those vicious circle things. Kim is very lucky she has you to anchor her down. I hope you know how valuable that is - more than any gadget or family heirloom.

During an "episode"...
There is nothing except the current raging thought going through my head.
Whatever 'caused my "flip-out" is the only thing that I see.

It's like I've been holding everything in...
and when it comes out... there is no clear thinking.

I say hurtful things, I break things, and I'm most famous for my throwing skills!
(once... I took a freshly baked pan of brownies... and started flinging handfulls of it all over the kitchen)

Everyone thought I was crazy.
At the time I didn't couldn't even think about the fact that I had just spent 30 min making the damn thing.
Plus the fact that I was going to have to clean up the mess.

The regret doesn't usually hit till after :(
And after I do any of those things listed above...
I feel embarressed and like sh*t after.

The feeling of "maybe I shouldn't of done that..."
usually only shows itself after the damage has been done.


It's very frustrating!

Hope this helps.... eek!

Wow, does it ever. It's so wild to hear others describe things I have witnessed my wife do. She has asked me on several occasions if she was going crazy, and I have to admit there were times when I really didn't know! But reading your post, it was as if you were narrating one of her outbursts. No brownies, but there have been plenty of messes, and then the depression and remorse. What a hell of an existance! I just hope I can do enough to get her through this.

Thanks for sharing. It is really helpful, not just for me, but for everyone to read these tales and see themselves in the postings. It helps to confirm the fact that we're not crazy, and most importantly, we're not alone!!

Warren