Its been quite awhile but the sound of things breaking seem to feel good when I would have an "outburst"...(preferably glass) its been a long time since Ive broken anything as I dont like the emotional hangovers, or the remorse. My second husband probably caught the brunt of most of my "episodes" as he called them. I believe he also had PTSD as he had told me quite a bit of his childhood and we were both practicing alcoholics at the time so you can imagine the chaos! Only by the grace of God we didnt kill each other! I believe even though as sick as both of have been, we did love each other and that kept us from actually causing that kind of harm to each other.

I commend any spouse who is there to encourage and support anyone with PTSD and being dragged in our turmoil. I myslef am not that patient or tolerant as I use to be and I dont know if I will ever be in another relationship....it will take a lot of inside work in me to want to again....after reading the posts from spouses, I can only hope it will be someone as compassionate as you people. Hats off to you!!!!

Nancy

Hey, it helps me to know that I'm not the only one throwing fits! :)

I share my "nut-job" moments because I want others to know they aren't alone.
No one wants to admit to chucking brownies all over their ceiling.
But if someone reads my post... and starts shaking their head in the "done that, been there" nod.... well, that makes it worth it.

Trust me... I searched the net for a brownie-tantrum confession...
there were none.
Every where else you go, it's more clinical... they give you the syptoms
numbers to call, ideas, same old thing.
Here you get real life examples of the symptoms...
stories straight from the PTSD'ers head.

I can't explain to you all the brain-medical-terminology,
because I really don't have any "professional schooling"...
but I can tell you exactly what having PTSD is like...
because I have it.


And Nancy,
you're right... I know I don't give my partner enough credit.

Hats off too all of the spouses!!!...
...also, the fact that you're on this forum is so wicked!!!!!!

It shows that you want to make things better.
You researching and trying to understand this illness... instead of taking the easy way out.
Obviously us PTSD'ers aren't the easiest people to deal with at times.
So THANK YOU!

YoungAndAngry

For any spouses reading that have ever sat watching your mate having an "episode" with no clue what to do, Kim and I have found one thing that does seem to work, or at least lesson the severity of the outbreak. I must admit, thought, it is probably the hardest thing to do, especially when the outburst is being directed at you.

In between the name calling and ducking flying objects, get in real close and wrap your arms around them. If they push away, hold on tighter, and just "be there" for them. I won't say this will work for everyone, and maybe it won't work for anyone else, but it does for us. During several of Kim's depressed/remorseful moments that always followed her outbursts, she would comment that she felt so alone, and that holding her would have made her feel so much better. Doing this does seem to relieve some of the more severe aspects of the outbreak, and even kept her from escalating further.

Again, I don't know if this will help, but it's something that has proven successful for us.

Warren

Warren, thank you for that idea!
I couldn't imagine how hard it would be for my partner to get close enough to hug me during a "rage".

What my partner has started doing...
is remaining completely calm while I'm freaking.
As soon as the sh*t starts hitting the fan (not literally of course, lol)
He sits down/stands there and watches me, not reacting to my "outburst"
Just let's me blow up

Sometimes this works... and I calm myself down before it anything gets broken/said/thrown.
Maybe it's the fact that I can't get a reaction from him... I don't know...

Even when this doesn't calm me... he doesn't react when I do something erratic
(ex: punch the wall, dump the contents of my purse on the floor, etc.)
He doesn't ask me what the hell I'm doing, or tell me to stop.
He just sits there and waits till the storm has passed.

And after I've settled... he always comes up and hugs me.
My shaking body literally holds onto him for support.

All I know.. is the amount of freak-outs has definatly decreased...
due to this forum? my partner? me? I don't know...
but somethings working

Y&A, (hope you don't mind me getting informal!)

I'll wager that it's a bit of each of them.

Sounds like you have one gem of a mate yourself! To stand there and not react while an event paramount to a nuclear meltdown is going on in front of you takes an incredible amount of self-restraint and determination. Sounds like he and I have come to a similar revelation, "My gal is worth it!"

I'm glad to hear that things are on the decrease for you. Are you a member of any local sit-down support group? After seeing how well Kim has responded to chatting with fellow sufferers of PTSD on line, I have begun looking for one close to home. Too bad everyone on this site is so spread out! What a get-together that would be.

Keep up the good work, and give your man a big hug when you see him next. He deserves it!

Warren

Mate, don't worry, that thought crossed my mind long ago, and I have plans to initiate a little global get together at some point.

Instead of quoting the entire above post...

I'm just gonna add:

Mate,

I used to fit this mould when my PTSD was undiagnosed and I had no idea why I did the things I did, and when diagnosed, not knowing what to do about this disorder. I am as guilty as the next, no doubt at all, and would be a liar to say otherwise.

Our anger and hostility is generally aimed at the person who is closest too us, that normally being our spouse. Why? Because they happen to be the person in the immediate vicinity, but more importantly, they happen to be the person we also deep down trust, and are really throwing out a cry for help to them. Spouses will often only see the hostile side of what we say, which is certainly no fault of their own, because we are all only human after all. We have a bond with our spouse, we have a trust, we have an understanding, generally which we just bring out the wrong way to the person we love the most.

We don't perceive the spouse as the offender, just merely the person we want help from, but really don't understand nor comprehend what is going on within us, to really give a clear question to ask our spouse so they can support us. Instead everything comes out in confusion, anger and hostility, all of which will only confuse our spouses and put them on the defending foot. We certainly don't want you to suffer the same as we do, instead the opposite, we want you to help, but we just don't know how to ask the specifics, because we often don't understand it ourselves. The spouse is generally just left confused, with no idea what we really want, nor knowing what to do.

We definately vent our anger at the wrong person near every time.

If something is detroyed during rage, no, we don't see the right and wrong aspects of what we are doing at that time, though we do see them afterwards, though that just creates more anger from our sheer stupidity of being destructive in the first place. Its like being in a revolving door. Our brain acts, and blocks out everything sensible at the time, which then creates more anger within us.

The actual anger though is not created, but more we can't identify the emotions within each facet of our PTSD, confusion is an emotion, and this comes out as anger, hostility or rage, instead of calmly discussing the emotion when it occured, we bottle it, process it, sit on it, and stew until we the pot explodes. Definately the wrong way to do things, and certainly not normal, but it is a consequence of PTSD unfortunately. Not just an excuse.

The facts are though, is that a sufferer needs to be made aware of these actions, they need to be discussed as an emotion, before they reach anger, and these are points that every sufferer must come to terms with if they want to actively get themselves better.

It is often hard to break a cycle of motions, though PTSD is a motion, and it must be broken by the sufferer. It is no different from growing up in an abusive household, where more often than not, the siblings will then become abusive themselves, where only a slight few will break the cycle, break the chain, and better themselves so that type of life is no more. PTSD is the same, and we must bite our pride and break the chain in order to recover, in order to get back our relationship, but also the spouse / family members / friends must do the same, and help the sufferer break the chain, and be accepting that the hurt is in the past, and that all parties now only move forward with a near future, near attitudes, new direction, but together as one, not with constant fear of relapse.

Sorry about the delay on replying to this Warren... I get a little busy at times, and often need to rest myself so my own PTSD doesn't get the better of me. Hope that helps a little.

Warren,

Anthony was right, he used to and as a result 'we' used to get into some really nasty business. It was hurtful, mean and just plain nasty. I never really understood and I am a stubborn character so I would usually give right back what he gave to me. What fools we were. We joke now that neighbours on both sides of one house we lived in moved out to get away from the fighting. Sure we slip up sometimes now but thankfully it is almost always over before it escalates. How did we manage this? We started working on our own rubbish. I don't have PTSD but I do have childhood trauma that has impacted on me my whole life and every relationship that I have had. I think we all have stuff to a larger or lesser degree that needs work - not a one of us is perfect. I am actively working my stuff now and have been for sometime..........it has made a difference to my perception on things but it has also allowed me the personal growth and sight to just get the hell out of the way sometimes. Sometimes you are just never going to win when someone is in a PTSD tirade and for Anthony and I, the best thing that I can do is retreat. I used think that this meant defeat but in fact it is a way of getting rid of some of the heat and allowing both of you to retain some dignity. Besides we have a little one in the house now and I think that we both feel it is much more important for his mental health to try and act like responsible, albeit pissed off adults. Much more dignity and less hurt on both sides. I have also found that telling 'straight up' if he is being a pain in the ass helps - not always but then Anthony does not like bs. A lemon is a lemon whichever way you look at it. No good sugar coating anything for Anthony.

Can anyone describe these epsiodes more...especially.....are there certain personalities that set you off? I don't want to be the one that "sets off" my husband who suffers from PTSD...I don't want to be the problem and I feel like I am sometimes..unknowingly saying the wrong things.