Remember though, that you have emotional needs also...that need to be met.

desert4now,

Its like this, doesn't matter what you do. When he is being critical it will always be your fault. I used to always be to blame for putting Anthony in a 'mood'. Never mind if he had hardly seen me all day. I just tell him to pull his head in now. Really, you can contribute to upsetting someone's day but you can't be responsible for how they feel or choose to behave. Its a choice to be angry and nasty, same as it is to be nice and loving. Sure, those with PTSD have a lower stress threshold but you can only compensate for that so much.

Description of an 'episode' varies from person to person I imagine. Usually anger, usually some sort of verbal dialogue, sometimes throwing things (hey I used to do that and I don't even have PTSD), often emotional disengagement and social withdrawal. Try not to fall into the pattern of walking on eggshells, it gets very hard emotionally. Straight up works best for us (Anthony and I) and I suggest with a military background it will also for your partner.

Hey Desert4now,

Welcome! It's nice to have other spouses on here to chat with, and relate to. Here you will find plenty of answers, ideas, and a general feeling of togetherness. It is so cool finding out you are not the only one going through the things you are experiencing.

As for your inquiry into descriptions of episodes, Kerri-Ann couldn't have been more right when whe said that they vary from person to person. They even vary among the same person! My wife has been triggered by financial issues, the state of the house, me not taking a specified day off, the kids not following through on a chore. There is not a specific topic or event that will do it, and thus causes the "walking on egg shells" syndrome.

Sorry, but I accidentally filed the other post before I was finished!!

Anyway, I was talking about the "walking on eggshell" syndrome. This is truly no way to go through your day. You begin experiencing chills every time your spouse walks into the room. Instead, be yourself, do what you know to be right, and if an episode begins, start experimenting with ways to quell it as soon as possible. I've mentioned in another post where Kim and I have found that during an outbreak, one of the best things (if not the hardest) for me to do is to get in nice and close, and give her the biggest hug I can muster. When she tries to push away, I just hold on tighter, and soon she is moved from the destructive part of the episode into the remorseful part.

I hope you read something on these posts that will help you and your husband. No one deserves to go through life experiencing these outburst, from either side of it!

Just remember, you are not alone! 'Til next time, Warren

Hi Kim's Man,
Thanks for the words. Hope things are going well for you.

I don't think I could try the big hug idea only because his episodes are not physical (thank God). He gets just very emotionally abusive. Knowingly saying things that hurt me deeply and then following up with (in the end) ..."you know I was just kidding". Okay. What am I supposed to do with that piece of information??? I do want to add that when he is not having these episodes, he is a kind and good hearted man...gentle. We have alot of stress right now which I think is what caused these difficulties this time. We are going through the third move in a year. I'm not talking small moves..Midwest to Hawaii to CA and back to the Midwest. Of course, financially it has wiped us both out. Because the moves are based on his decisions about his job, maybe he is feeling a sense of guilt over the financial stuff????

I don't know sometimes. I just need to get to the point where his words do not cut me like a knife. Kerrie-Ann talks of kicking boots which helps. Any other suggestions regarding not letting those words destoy my insides???? I refuse to be destroyed again!!!

Sorry...venting.

We'll be moving in three weeks back towards family.

Kim's Man, Kerrie-Ann, Anthony, Anyone,

I meant to talk about his apathy...I see it right now especially. His words cut me but he doesn't care...he knows it...he just doesn't feel anything..no remorse...no emotion...And I am the opposite...I feel everything until it consumes me. Yikes. What do I do with his apathy??? Anthony, can you decribe that lack of emotion?? Help.

Hi Desert,

A couple of things: First of all, never apologize for venting. That's what this place is all about. It gives ussomewhere to yell and scream :cussing: To throw up our hands when we don't know And to find out that there are others that are going through the exact same thing that we are which means we're not going crazy after all!

I know that when Kim says things to hurt me, she says afterwards that she is trying to make me hurt the same way she is. It's not something that she tries to do any other time but during one of her blow-ups. And it's something she apologized for afterwards. I don't know how I could handle it if after her outburst, she didn't feel remorse for what she had said (or done). I would think that his depression is such that he really doesn't care what's going on. I hope Anthony is able to help you with some understanding. Also, have you looked around for a support group? I know you're moving soon, but there may be a few folks you could chat with, face-to-face, until the big move.

Keep your chin up, and remember that you are not the cause of his depression and hurtful words. There is so much going on inside him, and inside everyone suffering from PTSD, that those of us who do not have it may never know what it's all about. Just remember there are folks around that will listen to you vent and rant, and anything else you need to do to make it through this.

Good luck, Warren

Well, firstly you have the sheer emotional difference between males and females, being males generally show little emotion to begin with. When you compare a male and a female with PTSD, the female will still generally have her emotions intact, maybe not completely, but generally far better than a male will.

Secondly, PTSD invokes fight or flight, thus our bodies are in a constant state of readiness to act, thus to act clearly, our mind removes our emotional capability, or suppresses it to be more precise. We still have emotions, we have just buried them to help ourselves survive and cope with the world around us. It is human nature that the strong survive, thus we tend to process this as the aggressive, or the fearless, all of which have little scope for emotions to clutter the thought patterns.

Remove the anger and aggressiveness, and we allow ourselves to become vunerable. Generally, vunerability is a sign of weakness, though we know that isn't always true, however; each individual will process this differently, thus some will show emotions, and allow themselves to be vunerable with PTSD, others will remove their emotion to grow strong, aggressive and fearless.

Are we wrong to become this way? Well... yes, I believe so, however it is not something we cognitively absorb or realise at the point when PTSD is taking over our mind and body. PTSD doesn't just popup, it stems and grows upon a person, to a point where you no longer recognise yourself. At this point, it become more difficult to break the chain, break the cycle, and allow ourselves to become vunerable again, and trust those around us with that vunerability we expose, hence we keep it hidden, locked up, which is an emotional state of numbness basically.

The chain can be broken, it is hard, but achievable. First you start with the anger issues, through identifying emotions again, which are what produce anger. When you can identify emotions again, you can begin to feel them, instead of allowing them to create anger. When you begin to feel again, you allow yourself to become vunerable, though we tend to only allow this to someone we trust with out lives, not just everybody.

Fight or flight is something that will stay with a sufferer their entire life, though it can just be made a better to work with emotions around those we trust, generally our spouses. I have exactly what you are describing and having difficulty with your partner, and it is something I am still working on myself.

For some reason we tend to be capable of showing emotion around children, because children don't go out to hurt you, so we immediately feel at ease with them, and allow ourselves to be vunerable to them, because we know they don't have the capacity to be spiteful, or hurtful towards us that could deeply affect us. Adults however do understand this, and do attempt to do it to one another, so we tend to tighten up with adults, yet be vunerable with children.

It becomes very much a trust issue I think at the end of the day, and when PTSD is uncontrolled, we often trust nobody completely apart from ourselves. This is totally wrong to do, but it occurs as PTSD takes control of us.

desert4now,

I understand exactly where you are coming from with regard to the lack of emotion. Anthony does still struggle with that and therefore so do I. He is right when he says that he can show emotions to children because he is fantastic with our little one. I would be telling a lie if I said it doesn't hurt and upset me often. Sometimes I have even walked out of the room in tears, not out of jealousy but more disbelief that he can express such clear love for our little one and has probably done so with me twice.

In the early stages, before he got treatment and even at the beginning he would shut me out to the point of not speaking to me, about anything, for a week or two. Depending how he felt at the time. It was very hurtful and confusing because I just could not see how you can conduct a relationship without communication. I still don't. It is still difficult, although better than it used to be. I am stunned sometimes by his obvious lack of emotion to a situation that most people with reasonably available emotions would react to. One recent example is the cat landing on my stomach. I am pregnant and was around 20 weeks at the time, the female cat landed on my stomach early in the day and I couldn't feel baby move for most of the day. This baby is quite active and so you can imagine my distress. Barely a word from Anthony and one hug, under duress. A situation that I found distressing was made more so by Anthony's obvious lack of emotion.

Anthony has described it from his perspective, although I don't necessarily agree that possible vulnerability cuts the mustard with me. So, what you become vulnerable? So does the rest of the known universe when you enter a relationship. I was going to say that I imagine PTSD makes it hard to express emotions but I have seen this first hand with Anthony.

Desert4now, this is one area that I cannot advise you on. I haven't yet nutted it out with Anthony, it still confuses and hurts me. All I can do is provide you with an internet shoulder as I know exactly where you are coming from. I too feel everything and have been previously accused (from Anthony) of being 'too emotional' and 'too needy'. As if....... you wouldn't be in a relationship with someone with PTSD if you really were like this. To Anthony's credit he has made some headway with this but I believe we have a long way to go before we can really communicate on a deeper level and before he trusts me with his emotions. If I could pick one area of our relationship to improve this would be it. It really impacts on the intimacy of our relationship and I often feel 'alone' although I am married. Don't know that this will help much but at least you know that you are not alone.

Hey Kerrie-Ann,

Thank you. I'm having a problem getting this to post. I've posted a reply twice withoutit actually posting. Hmm. Not sure what's up.