Hey
i dont know what im suppost to write so ill blurt crap out and hope its what i mean. i survived a moment when i was 10 and i dont think i was suppost to because i lost my best mate. why not me hey? i spent 10 years solid doing organised crime,drugs,jail and the list goes on and i had never felt anything. Now it feels like i have "Woke Up". like a dream. i have forgoten heaps of what i have done and i now know i had no emotion because i do now. This MOMENT of mine has always been foggy and i have always been remembering little bits at a time but i would always push it down and it would fuel my hatred and numbness. i have done some terrible things in my life already but i wasnt expecting to live this long(seriously). i dont know why but i never have. Is this PTSD been driving my numbness or am i just a bad person?

your advise would be great thankyou.

You can write whatever you want.
I think my first post was something like "I have PTSD" and that was it, lol
I had no idea what to say, just say whatevers on your mind.

Your not a bad person...
just 'cause you may have done some bad sh*t doesn't mean you can't change.

Thats why most of us are here.
We've gotten to the point where we just know things need to start changing.
So we're helping eachother change.

The symptoms you describe definatly are traits of PTSD'ers
Have you mentioned any of this to your Doctor?
Or have you already been diagnosed?

Sincerly,
YoungAndAngry

You know, it is so hard to say without getting professional advice. Some of these people on these boards have been to a therapist/therapists for a long time before finally getting their diagnosis. I understand the numbness, also called dissociation which is a part of PTSD, but, it is also part of many mental illnesses. I urgently ask that you seek out professional help. I believe that should be your next step. I congratulate you on taking a step into the right direction by writing in your post. Also, admitting you have done wrong is admirable. Thank you for sharing. A question: was there a significant event in which you felt emotion all of a sudden? Or was a gradual change?

Please check out our information on PTSD and the self test here:Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Self Test
http://www.ptsdforum.org/forum12.html
Welcome to the forum.

We are here to support and I hope you find it! Only advice I have to offer is to see a threapist to tell you what is going on... They can guide you. Lots of people make some very bad choices and the impact it has on others is something we all have to face at some point. We have all seen things, done things, or been victimized to get here. It seems you are having to face it now and would strongly reccomend some sort of threapy to help sort things out for you. None of us can tell you it is PTSD, or not. Only a doctor can. Good luck on your journey to finding yourself again, and people are here to help, not judge.

Hi Bazza,

Welcome to the forum. I understand doing many bad things, as I have done some also, some of which where in civilian street, some of which have been on operations. I understand bad shit. The facts are this, if you have witnessed your mate being killed, you have killed, or any sort of serious injury or event that you have witnessed or been part off, generally speaking, your mind and body will catch up with you and bite you on the arse. That is a near guarantee. I can only imagine what goes on in organized crime, so I will assume you have been within traumatic events, even though you may not off thought so at the time, if your dreaming about them, or even ocassionally thinking about them, it screams trauma at you.

You need to seek professional advice from a doctor, ie. shrink, and get to them for immediate diagnosis of what could be the possible cause. As mentioned above, there are so many mental illnesses related to trauma, putting your finger on just one is hard. If your at the worst end possible, then you could very well have PTSD, as that is where the scale of trauma ends.

Obviously from your post, you wouldn't tell them any illegal elements, but you can certainly tell a doctor hypothetical situations, or events that happened to your friend which impact you, as most doctors have the obligation I believe to disclose anything that is off an illegal nature or if you direct a threat to someone else or yourself, then they must action it. Some doctors I imagine would have pretty high morals though, and not action anything illegal if it where in the best interest to get you better. That would just be a matter of testing the waters I guess, or recommendations from others you may know within that stream off things.

You can play a guessing game all day, but in all honesty, you really need to have an expert in trauma and doctors who are experts in trauma to assess you, not just any counsellor or doctor.

I hope that helps a little...