I've been pacing around my house...
... I just can't avoid thinking about my upcoming surgery.

I'm sitting here trying not to think about it...
then I realize... how the hell can I come to terms with this sugery
if I'm basically still in denial about everything that happened?

I've had lots of stuff happen to me... crazy bizarre things...
but I there was one moment in my life that brought on this PTSD curse.

I need to share it... I'm hoping to get some relief from just getting it out and into words.
Don't really know how to talk about what happened.
So instead I'm gonna just post as far as I can get into the story,
hopefully at each login until it's all out.

Of course there may be minor aspects that I still will keep locked up inside...
but at least hopefully I will better understand my feelings towards this whole thing.

My goal is to get the whole story out before the weekend is up.
It's not that it's that long of a story... I'm just afraid all those memories will really exhaust me

So bear with me.
I'm probally gonna ramble lots...
But if I don't face this now... when will I?

(geez... I have butterflies in the pit of my stomach already... eek!)


Just a warning!!!
... anything I post after this may have the potential to trigger anyone who was involved in an vehicle collision, has trust issues, or ... anyone with PTSD...

You've been warned.
(if you need a virtual hug.. just send me a message... I don't want to make anyone sad or upset!)

Saturday afternoon...

As I filled up my water bottle, my stomach grumbled...
it was around lunch time, but I had promised my dog a walk.
So I grabbed a green granny smith apple off the counter.

Yelling out the door to my boyfriend and our friends that I'd be back in abit, I headed out.
My young AmStaff puppy loved the strolls out in the woods.
And I've always felt the most relaxed lost among the trees, kinda like a sanctuary.

The woods were across a busy highway, so I didn't want to risk walking across it.
Me and Mr. Bear (my puppys name BTW) jumped in my car and drove the couple of minutes to a school parking lot on the edge of town.
I threw my purse over my shoulder... unhooked the dog from his leash...
and headed into the bush where the joggers had made a trail.

It was so relaxing... I needed it.
The day before I had just landed the "perfect" job!
I should be starting Monday!

Not to mention the fact that my college grad was only 2 weeks away!!!
OMG! What was I going to wear? Where should we party afterwards?
So many questions!
Ughhh... there wasn't much point in getting TOO excited...
I still had one more final exam to write before I could be sure I was actually getting my diploma!!

I tried my hardest for those 2 years to get that paper.
I couldn't mess it up! eek!

Oh well... I figure.
No point in getting too worked up about it.
I've already found a great job!
And if I have to redo one class to get my diploma, I'll do it!

My mood lifted as I walked...
I loved watching my dog run up and down the trail.
Always staying in sight... but so excited to explore!

Just as I'm feeling as good as I think a person can feel.
My cell phone rings... breaking the beautiful silence.

The voice is familar... it's my boyfriend of 6 years.
We've been living together for a little over a year now.

One of our long-time close friends (I'll call him Bob) has picked him up.
and he doesn't want me to end up locked out of the house.
So if I would just meet them at my car, they'll show up there to pick me up.

I whistle for the dog and turn around.
Thank goodness I didn't get too far before they called!
Still they are already waiting in the parking lot when I get there.

Bob's sitting in his old 4x4 truck,
it's been a "work in progress" for years now, lol
but he's proud... he's got a new bush grill! (plus other little things I didn't understand)

This truck is the old style convertiable top.
The people on the backseat bench have no roof above their head.
The roof just ends just behind the drivers head.

The truck basically naked (if that's possible?)
The weatherstriping that would be along the metal roof edge
(where you would connect the removable canopy top)
was missing, and the tailgate had been taken off too.

I climb up into the box of the truck,
jumped over the backbench and settled behind the driver (Bob)
and Mr. Bear cuddled next to me in the middle seat.
After a quick search for seatbelts turned up nothing.
I was filled with a quick feeling of dread.
But I've always been the one to nag friends about stupid things.
(etc. drinking and driving, not wearing helmets, speeding, doing dumb things)
So while my mind screamed out... Wait!!! Bitch about this!!!!
I was so tired of being the "party-pooper" that I just shut my yap.
Besides... I've known Bob since I was 14... it's not like I just met him.

Hi there, I hope this is helping you, I know when I did this it helped me (it also helped me to write it in a word doc. You can edit the bits you forget over the day (or days as it was it my case), they are only words, the memories are there already (assuming you don't have any amnesia which is common). It will get better, and I feel sure your surgery will be fine, none of us like 'going under'. A little tip if you really dread the surgery process; I reacted badly to whatever they gave me as a kid in hospital and was wired and hyper, so I got another of whatever it was and was even more wired and hyper. So I told them this and whatever I got as a result meant I didn't finish the first page of my book. In the theatre I just told them I didn't want them to explain anything more about the when, I would just watch the eyes of the surgeon, it helped me and I will do it again when I feel I have the energy to get my nose rebroken and fixed again (very minor I know). The only thing you need to know, perhaps is that you can have a tingle or cold feeling in your arm, it's nothing- good luck in getting this out of your system. And good luck with the surgery and everything else.

Good stuff YA... this can only help you, and once you get it out, continue to add too it as more comes to you, and read it, read it, read it, until no longer you are scared of this trauma, but accept it as what it is, an accident that is now within your past, you have healing to do, which we are all here to help you with, and then I am pretty positive, you will get back on track to getting that job you had landed and fulfilling your career prospects once again. Keep going YA... your doing great... excpetional courage.

So we head out for a cruise in his truck.
My boyfriend is sitting beside Bob,
Both of those guys have seatbelts I notice...
WTF?
As far as the back goes...
I'm on the far left, Mr. Bears in the middle, and another close friend I'll call Jim is sitting on the other side.

It's the summer so the canopy wasn't on the truck...
The sun felt awesome... I was glad I had broughten my sunglasses!
I started to relaxe alittle... "don't stress yourself over the whole no-seat belt thing... enjoy yourself without having to bitch!!!!" I told myself.

While we're driving... we pass my mom in her car!
Now I don't live with my parents... and I've been going full time at school for the last 2 years.
So I don't see her very often.

As we pass eachother she honks her horn and I wave madly from the backseat.
I remember trying to keep my long hair from blowing in my face as I watched her and my youngest brother wave back!

Glancing down at my cell phone I contemplate calling her cell.
I mean, I hadn't talked to her in awhile.
But the loud rumbling engine of this beast (the truck)
made it impossible!

"I'll call her when I get back to my car" I thought to myself.
"I need to tell her I got the job! and make sure she had my graduation info"

It only takes us another 2 minutes or so to get to the edge of the newly developed neighbourhoods.
There's a dirt road in behind them where the piping for water and sewer has been dug out and set up.
Most of the land is cleared... it's just waiting to be turned into a residential area.

We've been down here before lots,
it's where everyone dirtbikes and rides their quads, etc.
And the Bob was going to show us where our buddy had broken his leg on his bike.

My boyfriend glances back to check on me.
I give him the whole "I don't have a seatbelt!!!!!!!! WTF!!!" look
(yes, I can transmit a whole message in one look, we've been together that long!)
He gives me the whole "Sorry dude!" look.
Whatever!
It's a bumpy ride, so we're taking it slow.
So I keep my bitching to myself.

I dig into my purse... grab the green apple.
I figure that should keep me quiet for abit.
Thirsty from the heat I bite into the tart fruit.

You're doing great YA. Make sure that you are being good to yourself between rounds!

I second that motion....