Nam, Oh, I've tried to understand the whole situation...
it's just so f*cked up!
Yeah, it made me pretty angry,
but not as pissed as the rest of the story.

I don't know if I'm better... but I feel calmer...
yet at the same time my body keeps jerking with muscle spasms.
it's so damn frustrating, the memories affect my physical health alot.

Oh, and I won't even buy granny smiths anymore...

I have this beautiful tree in our backyard...
when we moved in it was bare.
What a suprise for me when Summer ended,
Fall came and green apples were dotted along every branch.

I love the tree... yet at the same time I just want to tear all the branches off eeek!

The guys knew waiting for an ambulance would take 5 minutes or so.
So they were panicking about what to do...
Basically Bob was standing outside his truck freaking

It was mentioned that I should “hold my nose on”
So I reached up... grabbed the tip of my nose...
It felt sooo foreign, my numbed face couldn’t feel my hand touching it.
Kinda felt like touching a stranger’s face...

The tip was so low... I wanted to throw up
But... something needed to be done.
So I grabbed it along with the nostrils...
And pushed up... hard...
I needed to close the gash running across my nose.

The chocking feeling wouldn’t stop...
And I was desperately gasping for air.
But instead of oxygen, my throat was filling with blood.

I covered my face with the shirts...
And as I “held my nose on”... my mind snapped.

It was like everything was spinning out of control.
There was too many horrible thoughts and images were running through my mind.
And holding a body part on... well... it really messes with you.

When it snapped... everything went calm....
I stopped screaming and went silent.
My eyes were locked shut, and I even thought I could hear my boyfriend frantically trying to get me to respond... I couldn’t reply...
Not then... my mind just couldn’t deal with it,
so it took a mini vacation.

I'm glad you did. Do you remember where you went?

Not sure... it was just silent... and calm...
A relief actually.
Because the chaos that led up to it was too much for me.
I couldn't handle the situation.

Like... what are you supposed to do when this happens to you?
I had no idea... and neither did anyone else.
There was nothing I could do at that point... the damage was done.

Thats one of the feelings that I still fear..
when your mind just "gives up"

Heck... I don't even know... maybe my mind still hasn't come back from holidays yet...

Great work YA... get this out of you... well done... keep it up.

Well... I just made a day trip up to the town where everything happened.
On the way up there I managed to get another bit of my story out on paper.
When I made it into town... I went numb... I'm still numb...
hoping that posting it will help....

The calmness flooded me.
In my mind I could see this person... no characteristics except for a missing nose.
The huge dark triangle stood out sharply against the pale skin.
But I wasn’t as bothered by this image... it was another person, not me.
(I think when I self medicate I’m looking for that same calm)

So when the guys finally got sorted out and started driving me...
I don’t really remember.
It didn’t even feel like I was there.

I remember holding my eyes shut...
and asking for a smoke.
A lit cigarette was gently guided into my open mouth.
I reached up... took it between my two fingers... and took deep drags...

The burning hot smoke stung my throat and lungs...
but it was my only assurance that my airways were still open.

I opened my eyes briefly.
My hair flying everywhere uncontrollably.
I saw my hair fly into my burning smoke.
I couldn’t smell the burnt hair, but I could hear the sizzling.
But I didn’t even care... I puffed away.

That cigarette got me through the rest of the drive.

I vaguely recall being in a wheelchair at the ER registration desk.
(how I got in the wheelchair...? I have no idea)

Of course they wheeled me right in, no waiting.
I desperately held the bloody t-shirts over my face... I didn’t want anyone to see e... or know it was me.
(small town... 2 of my family members work there, and I even had worked there the year prior during my school summer break)

My eyes were open at this point, and I saw the curiosity of all the people in the waiting room...
They wanted to know what happened, who I was, why there was sooo much blood..?
I could just see the questions written across each persons face.

I couldn’t blame them though,
It’s only human nature to be curious.
If I was in their places I probally would have acted the same way.

But I still wasn’t willing to show my face and answer all their questions.

You are showing a lot of commonsense thinking within all this YA, which really portrays you as a very commonsense approach type person to me, which is only going to help you recover faster than most. Well done for your efforts, and please keep going, as your doing so well... exceptional actually.

Alright YA! I really didn't know if you would come back and continue when your surgery was post poned! I thought for sure there was no longer any pressure, but here you are! That is truly noble. Keep it up YA...you're doing awesome.