You are doing great YA. So scary what you are describing as you do such a job putting us there with you.

Thank you for all the support all of you have given me!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't given up on telling my story...
it's just crazy hard for me to deal with.
Writing it down makes it real... less like a bad dream.

It's just that as I'm recalling it... it's like I'm being transported right back to that "situation"
I'm glad that my description opens a window into the terror I was feeling.
Because I've never really been able to put that experience into words before.

You have a wonderfull way with writing and expressing your emotions and expierances that I will never have. like you say writing about it gives it a reality that just talking does not seem to, for me anyway.

Well done both of you... and keep it going... as the rewards are within your grasps...

Seeing you write your story makes me want to consider writing mine down. It's been almost a year so perhaps it's time.

Pookies, we are here for you when you are ready. :smile:

YA, this is the purpose of you doing this, remember? The idea behind this is to bring it to the surface, bring your trauma up top so it is no longer haunting your constantly, instead it will punish you now, then leave you in peace. Short term pain for long term gain... I don't think you really want to stop now, because your nearly there with it.

You are going to get overwhelmed by emotions, you are going to get angry from those emotions, you are going to face your past at an emotional level, it is going to hurt, it is going to be painful, though there is only one way past the hell you live day to day... forward by continueing what you have started.

Your choice, your life... my advice is only what you need to know IF you want to get yourself to a more superior point within your life once again.

Yeah... I know the point is to bring the issues to the surface,
but holy shit it's crazy hard to deal with.

I'm not proud to say I basically had a nervous breakdown after posting part of the story.
I thought of continuing it so many times, I just can't.

Now that I'm starting to feel abit stonger... I'm thinking of writing some more
The intention is here, just gotta find/energy time to get it out.

YA, been there and done it myself... I know what your going through, because I did break, several times actually, going through getting my PTSD out.

There is no time limit on this, hence why you control it. I would only say to not give it up, but instead have a month off, allow yourself to see improvement again if you need, then go at it again. Just remember YA, you control how much you expose yourself. When it really hurts, as your now finding out, you take a break, then hit it again when you have calmed.

Your doing just fine... just don't give it away, because your seeing benefits, and your going to see more when your mind and body calm this time.

It's been so damn long since I last posted.
Depression hit me hard... my nightmares 'cause me to feel as though I am leading a double life.
Often I came back, attempting to post...re-reading my thread... and every time I seemed to spiral deep into dissasociation.

(break to go play an online game or solitare or something... my minds spinning)


Ok, I've taken 2 hours to calm myself mentally enough to come back to this.


So my story left off when I was being wheeled past the Emergency Room waiting area.
The looks of the people waiting are burned in my mind.
Curiousity... pity... they all seemed to forget about their own pain for the moment... they wanted to see why there was so much blood, understand the chaos that had just flown into the hospital.
Closing my eyes was my only escape from the outside world... my head felt like it would explode... next thing I remember is vaguely acknowledging I was surrounded by Doctors and nurses in a small room.
I remember the pounding in my head... I was convinced my something inside my skull was swelling and would soon explode...
Death... what are you supposed to do or think when you think you are going to die???? I sure as hell didn't know... my brain couldn't process this...

I have always prided myself in my ability to remain calm in difficult situations, and to always treat people with courtesy.
Well, I am embarresed at the way I was acting in that room... which is silly because I was going through an enourmous amount of pain and suffering at the time.
I begged for the Doctor to 'put me out'... "PLEASE!!!!!" I pleaded "I can't deal with this situation anymore!!! Just please please! knock me out!!!!"
My requests fell on deaf ears... the docs wanted me to stay awake...

By this time my boyfriend had already called my mother and she was rushing to the hospital.
Pain medications must of been given to me at some point... because I wasn't crying when they were wheeling me to get X-Ray's done.
Everything is a blur, I cannot remember the trip to the X-Ray... but I remember when my mom walked in and saw me in the waiting area.

I was so happy to see her... (****... I'm crying now... the flashbacks and emotions are too overwhelming... this is too hard)
Her look of worry vanished when she saw me laying in the hospital bed... it was replaced with fear... she started crying even before she could get across the room to me.
The tears were silent, she tried her hardest to hide how much my appearence shocked her...
I had no idea what my nose looked like... but her reaction told me everything.
Somehow I felt like I needed to protect her from this... I couldn't protect myself... but I could protect the people around me.
So I tried my best to put on a brave face, a brave face with tears streaming down my cheeks.