Hey YA - congrats on making it back here. This diary stuff is so damn hard it's unreal! You are not the only one who keeps coming back, only to go away without typing anything new. You broke the pattern, so be proud!

I'm also glad you've continued YA. Your diary is so full of emotion, really great work here. I've been following it for a while, and wondered why you stopped. Although I know you just had surgery and I totally understand surgery... ugh. Anyways, thanks for continuing and take care of yourself!

Almost immediatly the x-ray tech comes out and wheels me into the radiology room.

"OK, tilt your head this way..." The tech slowly guides me into a head into position "good... now hold that position and don't move"
She dissappears into a protected room to start X-Ray machine... and for the first time since the accident I'm left alone.
My head is throbbing... I'm trying desperatly to hold this uncomfortable position...
"What is taking her so long?" My mind was spinning... the quiet of the cold, bare room gives me no distractions

"My nose... OMG... my nose... All that blood... What does my nose look like?? What are the Doctors going to do??... I can't handle this... it feels like my head is going to explode...."
I'm alone with my thoughts... and I'm starting to realize that this is neither a dream nor a nightmare... it's my new reality.

My mind blanks out...

... I'm back in the ER room...

"We've contacted the ENT specialists... will you be able to get her there??" The Doctor was talking to my mom.
I didn't see the Doc... I didn't see the room... I didn't even know who else was in the room.
"Absolutly, we'll leave town right away." My mom's voice answered.

I was so confused, what on earth was going on??
My groggy mind scrambles to try and process this situation.
I reach out to a blurry figure near me... I don't understand what's happening!!!!
"Wha??? Why do we have to leave?? What's going on??? Am I leaving the hospital????"

The answer blew me away... "They can't do anything for you... we must travel 500KM away to a specialist surgeon"
...Again my mind blanks...

I'm sitting on the couch in my living room.

My mother had brought me and my boyfriend home.
No one knew what to say or do.
'People' seemed to know what had happened, and yet no one stopped by.
I think one of my brothers might have 'dropped in' to check out my face.

My head throbbed, the light hurt my eyes.
But I couldn't complain, because the driver stopped in at one point (brought me some Tylonel) and I knew he felt guilty already.
The drugs the hospital had pumped through my veins was starting to wear off by now
I tried to hide my pain, talking about it just 'caused an uncomfertable silence followed by suggestions to take more pain meds.

Eventually after I popped four Tylonel3's, and all the initial excitement was over, my mom left.

When my roomate came home, he remarked how I was in a 'much better mood' than he had expected me to be in, considering the situation.
For some reason... I felt so proud of my 'coping abilities'.
At this point I just wanted 'quiet'.
My eyes stung with bright lights, but closing them just transported me back into the Bronco.

...Bright blue/green/black and then red explosions just millimeters from my eyes.
The hard force impact surges through my face down to my back....
...rewind...restart...replay...repeat...

Opening my eyes snaps me back into reality... all I want is calm.

The TV loudly blares infront of me, all eyes on focused on the flickering screen.
It was strange, only hours earlier all four of us (boyfriend, the other passenger, me and the dog) were in the middle of a crisis.
Now we were just sitting silently... staring at the TV...
I don't know about the others, but I never watched a moment of that show.
Every second was consumed with flying thoughts... soon the thoughts turned into questions...
... I still hadn't seen myself yet.

As stealth as I could, I made a graceful exit from the couch, and creeped into the hall bathroom.

Gently closing and locking the door behind myself, I flicked on the light.

"F*CK!!!!" It was mixed emotions looking into that mirror.
For the first time in 21 years, I didn't recognize the figure staring back at me.
My head was swollen, and since no one had thought to clean me up... my face was caked with dry crusty blood.
A deep, wide gash ran horizontally across the bridge of my nose.
Stiches poked out of mangled tissue savagely, but even more disturbing was the discovery of a severe crease/bump between my eyes that was denting under the swelling.
...F*ck... :(

It hurt just to look at my face.

Searching around the bathroom turned up no washcloths nor towels to clean up with.
Even the toilet paper roll was bare.

..Devestated, I flick the light off and go sit back on the couch.

Sitting there, all I can think about is what I just saw in the mirror.
And everytime I close my eyes, I hit the truck roof again and again in my mind.

My heart starts pounding, my chest tightens...
...it feels like my body is speeding up...
"OMG!" The thought of being in the process of OD'ing off of all the pain meds I had taken, starts to dominate my thoughts.
Unfamilar with what a panic attack is... I spend the rest of the night convinced my heart is going to burst at any moment.
This is by far the craziest saturday I've ever had!!

...and I'm not scheduled for sugery until Tuesday!!!

PERSONAL DIARY ENTRY April 25th, 2005

MONDAY

Went to see Dr. ***** today, ‘cause I can’t get into see Dr. ***** (my longtime family doctor) till May 30th! I made an appointment with him, I really would like for someone to explain whats going on. No one else will. All I got was stupid T3’s again, they don’t seem to understand that I have to keep continuesly taking these things in order for me to have any relief.

Well, time sure does fly when your high... errrr... never mind, just memory blanks.
Anyways, I don't remember traveling to the University Hospital (5 hours away).
But I'll never forget checking into the ER triage on Tuesday.

Seeing as I had never been in such a big hospital before,
I was blown away that my parents had to wear visitor tags!
The security didn't even stop me when I entered,
just looking at my face explained that I wasn't visiting someone.
5 a.m. and the waiting room was already filling up!
Originally I was told the surgery was scheduled for 7 o'clock this morning.
So not wanting to be late, (plus severe pain) 'caused me to be there early.
I settle into a chair, my parents take seats to my right.

Finally, at some point the nurse calls my name.
I get up and head into the check-in/triage area.
It's so nice and quiet in there,
the nurse takes my blood pressure and temp.
and starts asking what happened.

"I impaled my face on a truck roof edge"
Her eyes grow wider as I'm telling my story...
...she enquires what pain meds I'm on.
She's shocked and "tsk's" when I tell her I've been popping T3's since Saturday....
...and then offers me a deal I can't refuse!!!

"Give me the bottle of T3's you have...
and I'll give you an injection of morphine."
Hell, I literally ran to my bag to retrieve the big pill container.
She put the T3's in a big baggie, which I would get back after I was discharged.
I had my sleeve up, and arm out, desperate to get some relief.

My mom helped me sign in at the registration desk.
(At that point, I don't even think I knew when my birthday was!)
Now sporting a hospital bracelet,
I took my seat back in the waiting room.

There was this poor older gentleman sitting a couple of chairs down from me.
My heart went out to him.
He needed to go to the bathroom (urinate) soo bad, but for some reason his body wasn't allowing it.
I've never experienced this, but from watching him I know it's extermly painful.
Crying silently he sat beside his little wife...
All he wanted was some relief.

This poor man had been reduced to begging nurses for help.
But, the busy hospital had more 'critical' patients that would be going in before him.
He knew it, and I knew it... because that's the way hospitals are run (rightly so).
And it was sad to watch him suffering.

Eventually a nurse came out to take me into an examining room.
As I walked past the old man... I seriously contemplated asking the nurse if he could take my spot and get treated (bladder drained) right away.
(heck, my accident was on Saturday... it was Tuesday now... so waiting another couple of hours didn't seem like a big deal)
My selfishness was stronger than my empathy though...
because desperate for my own pain relief,
I walked past him and followed the nurse through the double doors.

My X-Rays from Saturday were tightly cluched in my hand.
Rather than mailing them, the hospital had given them to me to bring to the specialist.

A couple of days ago... after alot of encouragmet, I had opened the stiff manila envelope, and put the x-rays up to the glass of my lizards bright cage.
What I had seen stunned me... I couldn't stop staring at it.
From the side facial shot, the nasal bone was crushed and jagged.
Several cracks running from the 'injury' spread outwards along my cheek bones/etc.

Now at my destination...
I look down at the manila envelope...
the flap looks worn from being opened so many times.
I couldn't help it, I had become obsessed with staring at the horrible picture...
Hours were spent daily sitting infront of the lizard cage,
x-rays being held up to the glass,
trying to understand that those were my x-rays.