My "drug of choice" has been food. I ballooned up to 160kgs. I wanted to eat myself to death. And probably would have succeeded, had I not met my husband. Food is an easier drug because you have to eat to survive, but it is more socially accepted than alcohol or drugs. I would eat high fat foods all day. Everything had to come with a large serve of fries or something soaked in fat. Food soothed the pain, became my friend, cheered me up when I was depressed, calmed the stress and panic. It generally made me feel better about me.

I had always been an eater, eating a lot is a part of my culture. One guy I had worked with was wondering if I'll eat a 20 onces steak and a burger... I ate the steak, the fries with it, the broccoli, and then dessert.
But when I'm really stressed, can eat even more... Good thing that I vave a fast metabolism and a busy lifestyle, so I am pretty thick, but not fat-fat.

thats almost funny. i am fat-fat, but don't eat a lot. lack of exercise is part of it, i'm sure, but when things are bad, i don't eat for a week, lose 5 or 6 lbs, and then put it back on the next week, lol.

Mine too, sheree. I use to call myself a food addict.

Could've easily gotten big, but vomited everything, though I was convinced I was. It was an awful existence. I wanted so badly to live and yet couldn't stop eating and vomiting all day long, most days for a long period of time. For me it was the high doses of sugar that helped some to soothe the pain. Once even tried spooning the white lard that one might find in a cylinder type barrel out back of a bakery.

That whole memory is one long huge nightmare!

sheree, did it really, really, really, make you feel better about yourself? Or, did it satisfy a compulsion, an emptiness something like an addiction, ? while all the while it lied to you telling you this will make you feel better about yourself. Certain foods do have almost sedative type effects, and it sounds as if you were experiencing some of this, but sheree how long did it really cheer you up for?

Poking just a little..........

Nevermind answering unless you want to, bc I think I know what you mean. And, I'm so sorry that you had to go through this hell.

......sincerely goingonhope

Thanks for your advice, goingonhope. It made me feel better for a short while, but had to have another fix within a couple of hours. I have also realised that it reinforced the belief that I was no good, not worth anything and nobody cared so what did it matter. And, oddly enough, that was comforting. It isn't now. In fact, now I'm working hard to undo the damage that I've done. But the temptation or habit is still there.

Never even occurred to me that my weight increase was in any way connected to my "stuff". But I use to joke about how you could always tell if I was happy or unhappy by my weight. But to me it was a joke. It's not so funny now thanx to your comments. How does one say thanx for opening my eyes to one source of my weight. Unfortunatley, there are other reasons I can not control---meds! ! ! I am also curious about the link of sexual assault and being overweight. With my lack of memory I don't know if I was assaulted but the connection of it and being fat is something that has always peeked my interest. But niw matter what again thakx for opening my eyes to my "Happy" food

sheree when you say "It made me feel better........" you're referring to the overeating right? Because, still not sure, but the first time I read your post just above I got confused thinking you had said, my advice made you feel better for a short time and then you had to have a fix a short time later. lol Either way, fine, I'm just unclear.

I do remember how the choose/ preference of food and overeating it did, for a short time, satisfy some need or craving of sorts, for me. And, how it always had to be followed with still more and more. That's where the conflict, fight and emot. pain came into play for me. It was awful.

When you speak of your "drug of choice" having been/being food, is this something you've overcome, ie. the tempation and habit......or something you still battle and surrender too? Again, I'm unclear and prefer not to assume.

sheree, my prior post was more about a bit of identification with you, rather than advice. OMG, if it were advice than both you and I would be in trouble. My overeating/bingeing ended about 91/92, but not as the result of recovery from it, but more so I having found equally DESTRUCTIVE substitutions for it, that could replace the eating disorder in which I had bottomed out with. Certainly not a solution! Certainly, not healing!

ouch........About the only thing that I know today that I may have learned from that whole real-life eating disorder course, :crybaby: was how too be a good little girl, drug and numb out without all the rest. How to unmercifully blame, embrace guilt and punish myself. And how to rationalize my suicide, suppress, disown, dissociate whatever from my trauma and feel all alone in the world.

If you don't mind me asking what are some of the things you're doing sheree to work hard at undoing the damage that was done?

Typically I mind my own business, but hey, you started this thread sheree, I so identify with an eating disorder, and we may each be able to help ourselves and one another with some discussion of it all, if you're up for it.

My best to you, today......and yes, of course everyday.

Hope

Sorry hope, it was the food. Although your advice was tasty hehehe. As for the overeating I have had to overcome because of a series of events that led me to have a gastric band fitted around my stomach so that I physically cannot eat too much. The brain still kicks in sometimes and wants a 'pig out', but it passes now, whereas before I would give in the urge. That's also the major thing I've done to undo the damage. The other is to be really choosy about what I eat. I have a really great doc who, even after 12 years, is helping me see that I am worth the effort. I have to watch myself that I don't replace food with alcohol. That's been the other drug of choice.
Hope this clears things up for you. And yes, I'm up for a discussion. My best to you.

Sheree

When I can't deal with my headaches- like today, I eat to escape. It really only helps when I'm actually eating, afterwards it sucks because I feel bloated.

Maybe I should switch to alchohol. At least afterwards I can fall asleep or something.

Food, my drug of choice also.

When I am in a bad place, I "need" my chocolate. I mean I "'NEED"' my chocolate. The more depressed I am the heavier I become. I will fill my day and night with eating chocolate.

I remember as a child my Mom bringing me a plate of cookies and milk when I was upset about something. As she handed me the cookies she said "Here, this will make you feel better" She has no idea what she did to me. She planted a seed in me that has caused weeds my entire life. Damn