...One night (when my girls were at their grandma's) I decided to party on my own, as I was alone most of the time anyway except for my two baby girls. I put on music by "Nine Inch Nails", drank about a pint of tequila, took several downers and tore the house to peices. I woke up in the hospital. They let me go that day. I guess I had called one of my instructors from school to tell him I wouldn't be in class the next morning. He asked me if I'd been drinking and I told him what I had done. I guess he was the one who called 911. No one seemed to alarmed at the ER though. They checked me out and with no questions ask let me go the next day. Guess I was just another drunk whore!

I know its hard sweety.... All of this has to be delt with! I think the last of it is with what happened a short while before we met. These images with the x are some of what has been keeping you from a more complete healing. I promise I wont shoot the bastard. His like is not worth jail time. Temping as it might be:gunem-dow !!!!!:hit-boss: :cussing: Ca I just kick the sh@t out of him? A little??

Your loving husband

OK Darlin'! Simmer Down! I definately do not need more violence in my life even though the thought of his ass being whipped sounds quite amusing! I am so glad I have you! You are my best friend! Glad I'm not in this healing stuff alone. Feels like it sometimes, but that's cause my brain gets so overloaded! Kiss Kiss!

Your Wife Marilyn

Awww... seeing the two of you on here together... well it just makes me happy :)

Marilyn, congratulations on writing out your trauma diary
trust me, I know how hard it can be sometimes.

Take care of yourself,
Y&A

I wasn't going to come back here but I'm feeling very dizzy. I'm trying to come off of the Concerta I've been on. I got rid of the welbutrin. Sometimes I wonder if the Paxil is a bad batch or something because I'm feeling really dizzy, puffy headed, and I feel these strange zaps. Oh well I'll be OK. Untill later.

I was going to say the same as Youngandangry! It's nice that you have such a supportive husband, good to see.

Having read through your diary, I can see that it has been a difficult time recently. I hope you are doing okay today....

Your poems are very powerfully written, I like them :) It's nice to see others use poetry to express their emotions too, and you do it well. It's also nice to see that someone takes particular lines from their poems on days that match how they feel - I do that! Sometimes simply one word isn't enough, is it?

You have been through so much, Marilyn, and your survival is to be commended. I can relate to some of your feelings in here, particularly the self-hate at my body. I am a hypocrite saying this, but why are YOU disgusting? I don't think you are. The persons who are disgusting are those that have abused you. I know only too well how hard it is to rid yourself of those feelings of utter ugliness, inside and out. But those feelings are feelings someone has stuck on you. They are not truth. But I guess if someone tells you those things, and treats you as if you are those things, eventually you are going to start believing it. Undoing that takes finding yourself, having people prove that you are NOT those things to you, and finding your own truth. It all started when you were a child, and when you were a child you could not make sense of why those things happened. Now it's time to make sense of it all, and realise, finally, who the ugly person really is.

I see that you have a gentle beauty that shines through in your writing, and how you reach out to people. And real-ness. You know what human compassion and care is, because you (sadly) have seen and known the true opposite.

Keep on keeping on.

Lisa.

Thank You Lisa!
It feels so good to be regarded that way. You words are a blessing to my heart.
Love & Care
Marilyn

Gosh, I'm like a doggone' roller coaster! I'm feeling pretty good right now but a little lonely. I talked to my mother today. It was very hard to do but I love her and I forgive her for what she did. I want to have a relationship with her. She was upset but was able to admit something I had never heard her say. She said, "Don't you think I get a little mental illness going when I think about what happened?"
It was amazing to me that she actually acknowledged that abuse occured. However, toward the end of our conversation she said, "I never did anything wrong, I was a good mom and a loving mom and did the best I could. If I'd known the stuff was happening I would have stopped it."

This was a very hurtful lie. She did know and many times punished me for allowing it to happen by spanking me. How could I have stopped it even if I wanted to? I am happy I'm out of the hospital but I'm very sad at the same time and feel a little lonely. I don't really understand why. I could be spending time playing with my son or doing something constructive. Oh well, guess I'll get off here and start dinner for my family. I'm just rambling anyway. I think I have OCD or something! Or, maybe I'm just an idiot. Sweet people say kind things and for a while it feels so good, then I flop back into feeling low and lonely again. Darn it! I just need to pullout of it and go do something constructive!

Hey,

I'm glad that you're doing okay at the moment. It's really good that you're mum finally admitted that you had been abused... that's a massive thing. I'm sorry that she then backtracked by lying about it. I suspect a guilty conscience on her part... she knows that she spanked you for it. But she is not going to want to face up to that easily. Maybe the 'little mental illness' she gets when she thinks about it is partly related to that? I don't know, just tossing some ideas around...

I know about feeling loneliness, even when there are people around me. I guess PTSD is such a personal struggle, it is lonely in the sense that you go through it, nobody else. Perhaps the loneliness also relates to your mother's words? On the one hand, how great that she acknowledged your abuse. But on the other hand, she didn't face up to her reaction at the time... I guess that could trigger the loneliness you felt at the time? I don't know, maybe an over analysis...

PM anytime if it helps :)

Lisa.

Dear Marilyn,

I hope you dont mind that I read your diary. I'm glad I did. You have much pain caused by people that should have been protecting.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and I know that you probably have heard this a million times but there is.

You deserve such a supportive, loving, caring husband as much as he deserves such a supportive, loving, caring wife. Together you will climb mountains bigger than anyone can ever imagine and as exhausting as it is you will get there.

Please stop putting yourself down because everytime you hate yourself you imprint it deeper into your being dont you think you've already seen and felt enough hatred and blackness.

Try replacing a kind word to yourself instead of a demeaning word even though you dont beleive the kind word eventually it will become second nature to you.

I hate myself with a passion sometimes but I still look at myself in the mirror and tell me that I'm pretty, sympathetic, a good person, I have a good sense of humour, that I'm kind, compassionate, strong because I'm still here and I'm a survivor etc.

But when I'm in the midst of a bad day I dont believe any one of those words at all in fact I had to write them down in my book just so I can remember what the words are that I have to tell myself.

Start thinking to yourself that you might actually be a nice person.. that this might actually be true.

I understand that it's really hard when your down as it is for me. Its such a struggle and the climb back up is really really tough but beating yourself up just makes it tougher.

I wish i could give you other advice on your actual life but i cant just know that I hear you and I feel your pain and that I would love for you to message me also along with Lisa if you need a sympathetic ear or just a chat, I've got great recipes hehehe. And I mean this sincerely, if you're like me it's hard to understand that someone actually wants to take an interest in you without wanting something from you.

Thinking of you.
Lorry