(((((wadoo)))))) Thank You! I needed to hear that.

Ok, I'm cutting to the chase! I am having feelings that I am confused about. The following people used me, abused me physically, sexually, and emotionally, (dad, mom, 2 half brothers, grandpa (the stinky old filthy fool is decomposed in a grave now), grandma, a disgusting old nasty traveling evangelist mom had living with us for a while, and my x husband if that is what you want to call him! (and I might add) my mother and father also neglected to meet the basic needs of my sister and me many times. One time we lived in the car. Sorry to be so darn open but I have to get this rage out. They made us pee in a cup and throw it out the window because they would not stop the car to let us go to the bathroom. They were on the run because the welfare was going to take us kids! I wanted the welfare to take us. I wanted a clean bath in a real bath tub, not a f*cking bowl! This sh*t still happens to kids! Why? Why do innocent kids have to suffer violence and the depraved minds of pedofile perverts!!!! I feel so helpless to ever even come close to making it stop!!! Everytime I think about another little child being abused its like I'm being abused all over again!!! Its in the papers! Its on TV! I want to hide from this world! I feel so much rage!!!!! I HATE politicians!!!!!! Sorry! I know hate is not constructive but it is how I feel right now. They are egocentric, power hungry, bast*rds! All of them!!!! Democrats and Republicans! Allthey care about is placating the masses so they can get votes and be the big cheeses! They let this shit happen! Judges are swine!!!!!!!!! Lawyers (I will not even go there). Am I guilty too? Do I let it go on too? I hate this world!!! I am so angry and confused. Why must GOD allow such suffering. I know I've rationalized this question in other posts but I want to understand on an emotional level! I can hardly stand the thought that may be my x did something with my daughters when they were little. They seem quite healthy. I can't believe I allowed them to be with him alone when they were little. I didn't do it very often because I was afraid he wouldn't watch them well enough or that he would be mean to them. I was working and trying to get an education so that I could have the ability to leave him. I know that sounds terrible. But after he started being Mr. Sadistic, I stopped really loving him and just held on so my daughters would not have to suffer the horrible poverty I did. They were so precious and so beautiful. They still are though I fear we have grown less loving toward one another as they have gotten older. I am unloading so much here. Its weird, it feels so painful but so liberating at the same time. Perhaps this is the lancet. I'm getting the infection out. I am so confused!

It is 10:38 PM here in Missouri USA and I am actually feeling very peaceful at this moment. I am going to practice some positive self talk. I am a visual person more than auditory in reference to learning so writing positive statements about myself I hope will help. I do not know. Its just an experiment.

:claps: no :crazy:

• I like to sew and am getting better at it. I made all the curtains in my house and lined them with soft quilt batting for insulation purposes. I am an industrious person.
• I like to write poetry. People have told me I am pretty good at it. I think some of it is very pretty. I am a creative person.
• I have very strong emotions sometimes that cause me to feel out of control but I try not to hurt others or be rude when I'm feeling bad. I am a caring person.
• I have been through alot in life but am still alive and undergoing personal growth. I am a strong person.
• I love to say funny stuf and make people laugh. I have a good sense of humor.

This is kind of fun but I know I will have to come back to it later when bad things pop in my head. Like just now. It was like this mean little brain cell decided to fight the good. The thought, "man I'm such a weird-o' " popped up. I recon' its not weird to practice healing and self building words.

My mother very frequently verbally abused me. She would say things that to this day I here ringing in my ears in the form of automatic negative thoughts. Easter is coming and I will end up at my brothers house and my mother's back yard Penticostal Church. I dread it but they are my family. The following is a poem I wrote to explain my delimma. I am putting it here because of my feelings right now and how it seems to be the only way I can put my feelings in words without self bashing and self pity. That is not what I want. I want healing!

To Kill a White Dove
Hear it cooing in my ears the sound of patronizing?
Her voice of simple baneful sweetness I am recognizing.
She states in mellifluous cuning I am her little white dove,
When all the time the person she seeks is one she can push and shove.
These hateful words are hard for me because she is my mother.
But if it were not I she beguiled, it would simply be another.
She uses her hoary head to say that wisdom is her bedfellow
When time has only made her truth a noxious faded yellow.
The dove is but a symbol of something pure and white,
To throw her dirt of life upon and target crimson bright.
But how does heart with grace for voice stop the aweful sound?
Kill the dove place in its stead an eagle freedom bound.

I tried to edit the above posts but took too long so I will just add what I was going to say in a new post. My mother is still very manipulative with me. She also says strange things about my body that make me very uncomfortable. Back when I had agreed to attend her dogmatic, legalistic, back yard cultish church, she referred to me as her, "Little White Dove". I tried to help her out with her little fledgling church but everytime i attended i would be triggered by her sermons. They would send me back to my childhood when fear was all I knew. I would go home and roll up in a ball and cry. I just can not do it and be that eagle. if I attend her church I will be a scarlet dove cooing in captivity rather than a strong and mighty eagle flying toward freedom, strength and healing. I have such a hard time saying no to her. She is my mother and it is my beliefe that I should always respect her and love her regardless of how she treats me. I want to do the right thing but I do not want to get sicker and crash.

I know someday the pain will not be so bad. I know someday I will feel some peace. I have to hope. I have to hope. I would rather spend an entire day in labor pain to deliver healing than spend one moment in numbness to evade eventuality.

One Silent Night
There once was a little girl with auburn ringlets on her head.
She loved to color pictures with her favorite color red.
She loved to dress her dollies in their finest lacey dresses.
She was sure to never spill the tea because, "Good girls don't make messes!"
Then one day the devil came and stole her daddy's soul.
He had no light inside his mind his heart was black as coal.
In the quiet still of night his stealthy shadow grew.
He took a silent unseen gun and taught her something new.
He taught her how to use the gun and put it to her head.
The little girl did not wake up, her innocence was dead!

I hurt because I can never be that little girl. She is dead. Big Bird is a boy, he has a penus. I learned from a very early age to just let them have what they want. It was the only way to be safe. I can not run from this. My daddy took his penus and made me put my mouth on it. He told me I was his little angel and that I was more beautiful than Snow White. He said our love was special and not to tell anyone. I can not stop the pain I feel. I no longer feel dirty, or guilty. I loved my daddy. I hurt so bad I can not stop the pain. Why did my daddy do that? Wasn't momma enough? I refuse to feel shame.

S-Self degrading
H-Hurtful humiliation
A-Artificial guilt
M-Miserable strife
E-Egocentric hypervigelence