so, this is my third or fourth time trying to put into words the reason i have ptsd. you see, because, i lived ,i thought everything was fine. how dare i even complain, when my life was spared. how dare i complain when i wasn't raped, like my girlfriend. she was abused by her raging alcoholic father - i wasn't. she didn't really have a mother - not in the true sense of the word. i feel like i shouldn't even be telling this story, because i did not suffer as much as her. i feel like i am betraying her - again.
so, maybe it has been a rotten week , because i am finally with reluctancy admitting what happened sucked. why have i done this for 25 years ? maybe because it was immediately ignored by my parents, put into the closet , like a skeleton. i never asked for it. no one ever said i'm glad your alright, or hugged me and said i'm glad your ok. like when my cousin fondled me, my mothers first reaction, was oh shit how do i break this news. i remember that the most. it happened once, i told, it stopped, that was that. no reassurance. no conversation.
so onto why i have ptsd. one day my g/f jen and i went to a park to visit our other g/f carol. we were 15 years old. carol worked as a camp counselor, no kids showed up that day. she had to stay thought in case some did. we sat on the wall and we were discussing walking to the store, it was so hot out. i didn't want to, i finally agreed. he was listening to every word. because as soon as i said, ok in 5 minutes , he jumped out of the bushes. before you could even register what was going on he had my g/f jen by the arm and was holding a knife to her head. he was wearing a mask. i have no face to pin my anger on. i scan rooms and areas always looking for the boogy man.
he took us to a secluded area, threatened to kill jen if we ran. he ordered us down on our stomaches and made us pull our shirts over our heads. he sexually assaulted jen. we laid there , shaking in disbelief. then he made us get up and told us it was "your turn " to perform oral sex. carol said f*&k you, no. i was shocked she was always the quiet , submissive one. thankfully , when he moved on to me i said no. he left me alone. he said to jen see what kind of friends you have. he ordered us back on the ground, and raped her. we listened to her scream, and cry. it sucked so bad. we offered him money - he acted interested, he was just fu*&ing with us, he had no intentions of letting us go, but gave us hope. hope that he would stop and let us live. i thought initially that he was going to bring us to a van with a bunch of kidnappers or something. we thought the whole time , we were going to be killed. he had complete power over us.
he let us go promising if we told he knew where to find us and he would , and kill us. we believed him. it wasn't until a week later that jen could finally go to the police. he was never caught for what he did to her, to us.
why am i so numb to it ? but i have residual effects, to say the least. at first i was relieved to put a name to the way i behave and feel. :angry-fla
but i can't even go there , and feel anything. about four people in my life know about this. i just told my best friend of ten years about it, a month ago.
like i forgot to give him the family recipe for mac and cheese. oh bty i didn't tell you that ?
so , i feel like i need permission to feel all those yucky feelings, that to me is almost as sad as the trauma. i can't trust my feelings. sorry to babble. thanks.

Have you sought out any sort of threapy to help sort things out? If you don't it just gets worse with time. You will find many an understanding ear here, glad you found this place. You betrayed no one.

Rainbowchaser, this world is just so unfair sometimes!!!

You have every right to complain,
don't allow yourself to take on any guilt in what happened to your friend!
That would be such a horrible memory....

Welcome Rainbow, and I'm glad you're here!

Permission granted! Complain, talk, vent, do whatever....you were also hurt in the ordeal. Don't you think your friend would have been hurt if she saw you being sexually assulted? I believe she would be. Welcome, and congratulations on posting your story. Your healing has begun!

Bloody hell Rainbowchaser! There are no doubts in my mind that you should have total permission to feel what you feel about what happened. It's never about who suffered most. You all suffered - that's enough. I agree with nam - I think it might have been worse (if that's possible) if you had done what the psycho said. You stood up to him. You did what you could and that's all you could expect of yourself. That's all any of us can expect from ourselves.

Good luck with your recovery!

RC... I hope you feel a little bit better getting some of that off your chest and out of your system, in a way where there are now no more secrets to be kept about it. That is what I hope. Nobody enjoys trauma... well, I am yet to find one. What happened to you and your friends at still such a young age, is pitaful, to say the least. What happened was certainly nothing nice, and I often wonder myself if it is worse experiencing some things, or having to watch helplessly whilst it happens to another, when you have no control to stop it?

RC, its not your fault. You need to understand that, and actually believe it. The only person at any fault is the attacker, the rapist, the person who did this to all three off you; but not yourself.

Is this something you think about often RC? The no reassurance or conversation from your parents about the incident, and other aspects within your life?

You have carried this burden for now 25 years, and that alone is going to require some work on your behalf to get past, and realise that you don't need permission, and I am certainly not going to give you any, as its not required, and trust becomes a huge issue in itself with PTSD, let alone when you incorporate other issues onto PTSD itself.

RC, you have suffered enough trauma already, so how about we start looking at thing, well... you start looking at things, in a more realistic light, and start telling yourself you don't need permission to think or talk, and what has happened is not your fault. You didn't cause this, you where a victim within it. Don't look at this any other way please. Your trauma has occurred, and I have no doubt that what you are suffering, is equal too, or even worse with the guilt, than that of just being raped as well, instead of having to listen to your friend being raped. He had a knife, none of you where capable to take on a grown adult male armed with a knife, thus you did what your brain instinctively told you to do, and that was follow instructions to a point, to hopefully get out alive. Guess what? Your alive still, and that alone is a great thing.

Are you seeing any physicians, counsellors or the like? If not, why not?

Rain,

Welcome to a place where people understand the feelings you are going through. All of us have suffered at the hands of PTSD, some directly, some indirectly. From experience almost all of us would tell you the sooner you get help, the better your recovery will be.

You have every right to feel the way you do; I would probably feel that way too. But you must get help.

We're here for you, so talk away...

Kim

thank you everyone. it is so sad what brought us together , but so comforting to know that we undestand each other.
i am seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist , thanks for your concern. my psychiatrist diagnosed me , and although i like him, i went to a therapist instead. i am greatful that my psych picked up on this and did not let me deny my way out of it. his attitude was , well there are changes to the brain from the trauma and well....... i really didn't feel like hanging on there so i found someone else , through a veterans hospital. they recommened someone that helps victims of violence. she has been wonderful. that was huge for me to walk away from someone who i didn't think would really help me. he seemed a little perturbed, but i still go to him for my meds , because he is pretty smart. so for now , i am sticking with him.
i do often think of my mothers lack of support and unwillingness to do anything to help me , and yes that still hurts. i carry alot of anger towards her. you can pretty much figure out that she was not a good role model, or support system. she was not nurturing either. now that i have children , it makes it that much more difficult to understand. some things can just never be figured out, so after many years i am able to let go of alot of stuff with respect to her. my father always singing her praises - talk about rose colored glasses. he views things through a key hole, never really seeing the whole room.
so i guess i thought being diagnosed was enough, but know that i have many issues to deal with. i need to try not to rush it , in my typical fashion. maybe i am in such a hurry, because of the feeling of a shortened future - i hate that symtpom.
but again , thank you - for this forum, for letting me vent, for understanding, and just being there. because i don't have to explain.

Rain,

Great news on the therapy side of things, as that is an integral part of the face to face trauma therapy required. Doctors are more often than not just for meds anyway, so that is nothing new. You worked it out for yourself, that its just to difficult to talk with them at a higher level. I think they just think too complicated for what an issue is.

Your right though, you do have a long way to go now, and the path you choose is what is right for you and suits your needs, nobody elses. We can help you, we can support you, and I think you know that you are the one that has to do the work though, as nobody else can do that for us unfortunately.

Recovery is part trauma therapy, part education, part applying techniques. Take things little by little, and the whole picture does fall into place eventually for you.

Well done on how far you have come already by yourself... a huge challenge for anyone with PTSD.