I have gotten to the point in my life where the past is not something I think about, but unfortunately due to my tender years being spent learning to trust those who could not be trusted, my present is a little on the fubar side.

I have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, with my physical illnesses, I cannot even take anything for pain as I am allergic to all opiate derivitive pain killers, and the synthetics. I have chronic pancreatitis, so drinking has never been an option. Trust me, this sucks. Now and then I try to drink, just to get a buzz, but my little freind the pancreas cuts that short with it's gnawing and torturing. I also have arthritis in my spine, and a few other weird off the wall syndromes that I won't bore anyone with at the moment...maybe later :sleep:.

I have raised a family, all of which seems to think pot is acceptable, even though I was always against it. (the aroma is a trigger for me, and well, it is still illegal). I feel responsible for there screw up's, even though I know it has been their choices for years. I feel guilty I guess, but, I don't feel sorry for thier consequences everytime.

I woke up 3 years ago and realized I had made 5 million bad choices and decisions, and decided I was going to move forward just to find out there are actually people who like to trip you while you are walking, pull rugs out from under you and keep you down when you are down.

I spent my childhood depressed but did not know what depression really was until I was 30 years old, I guess I lived in denial a lot! I immediately went for "help", and was labeled with this chronic severe PTSD thing, just to have my Viet Nam Veteran husband actually become jealous of me talking to a therapist, and I had to stop. (we are permanently separated, until I can find help to make it permanently permanent)

Don't get me wrong I am not stupid, just a little dumb at times, I forget that people put on facades and that giving everyone the benefit of the doubt does not always have a pleasant outcome.

Right now with everything that is going on in my life, my anxiety is more than I can deal with, yet somehow I continue to separate myself from myself and keep acting as if I can make it through 15 more minutes of a bad situation. I have 7 grandchildren I cannot enjoy because I am so, how can I describe it???, trying to escape? I have become almost totally anti-social, but my body walks me into gatherings, and other situations where there are tons of people I desperately just want to get away from. I love my family, and I try to share with them how I feel, but they don't seem to grasp my desperation, probably because my inability to stop being so available just keeps me in a loop that is beginning to feel like a noose. I am sometimes my own worst offender at ignoring my boundries. I have pushed myself right into high blood pressure!!

I spent my childhood not speaking, to the point that I irritated my parents and they thought I was a freak, and now, I find myself blurting out what no one else has the balls to say to people others are too afraid to say it to.

Okay, TMI maybe, but I feel better. I have questions sometimes that I know there are no real good answers to, but my family thinks I am a 'Rock' of strength, and I am not, so I am hoping that here I can get some feedback, or support on occasion, to somethings I dare not say to upset my tender bunch.

Does anyone even remotly get what I am saying or feeling?

Did I mention this is my first post? HI!

Guilty as charged here. Welcome to the forum.

Oh yes, I do. For years I was the rock. Of course this was on the outside. Inside I was scared of screwing up and not being perfect and constantly bashing my self-esteem because of it. Now my family has been given the truth. My mother told me not too long ago 'I always thought you were so strong'. I told her I had a lot of people fooled. I've had a mask for just about every occasion.

Welcome to the forum Miss Fit. You'll find a whole bunch of people who understand what you're talking about and feeling. It's a good place to start healing.

Welcome miss fit.

welcome to the forum, miss fit. i have always been thought of as "strong" til now, i thought so myself,even. your family might come to understand some if they are educated on the problem, but nobody really understands it til they go through it, including me.

It is amazing how just four replies made me almost grasp a "sense of relief". If I can just remember my damn password, I may spend more time on here!!