I feel so sick inside. How is this helping? I feel shame and loneliness.

Marilyn:

this process is not and will not make you feel good or all fuzzy inside. Its going to dreg up all those feelings, so that you can work through them. It's the only way to get better. You have to face what was done to you, how you felt and feel, admit it, accept it and then work through it. This is the healing process.

Everytime you write about a trauma and start digging at your feelings, your going to crash with your symptoms, and then you get up and you do it again and each time your symptoms should get a little less as you go. It can take a looong time. This is no quick fix.

I was waiting for this aspect to hit you actually, as many of your posts were very bubbly(not in this thread, but in others). It's a good sign that your journey to healing is starting. I know that sounds backwards, but that is how it works for us.

Keep at it. If you need to crash, crash for a few days then come back and start up again. Your doing a great job! Try to keep in mind that all the feelings coming back and a worsening of symptoms is normal and expected.

Bec

Bec
Thankyou for your responce to my post. I really didn't expect to feel fuzzy or better but I did not realize there was so much abuse until I started writing it down. I feel shame. I feel alone. All the stupid bubbly sh*t is true. That is why I'm such a F**k-up! I should be OK. I should have peace. I've been blessed alot! Still my brain clings to the shadows of the past.

Thanatos of Innocence

With wings outspread beneath a sky of open blue serenity,
I breathed the air of freedom’s might above a world of infinity.
My fledgling soul untried by strife strode on heaven’s boarder,
Ascending far beyond the reach of chaos and disorder.
Then moving fast with fearsome might a cloud of cold descent,
Dispersed darkness on my back while I was innocent.
Falling with force to the hard black dirt a part of my childhood died.
But powerless against the kiss of betrayal, in fear, I never cried.

Father is Gone

The moment was silent and frightfully still.
I peered at his coffin beneath the small hill.
There was no brilliant epitaph.
There were no great words on his behalf.
There were only widow’s tears
That served to hide a daughter’s fears.
I remembered my father in days that passed.
Like a massive anchor cast my heart sank painfully fast.
It was like I were beneath earth’s weight
Behind an awesome heavy gate.
It was in his empty fabricate smiles
Sorrow hid in my life’s miles.
Though the sunshine rested upon me
And warmed my shoulders tenderly
A somber grey clouded my mind
Leaving little memory of him behind.
The secrets me and my daddy shared
Rested lost in a little girl angry and scared.

Okay, I get nailed to the wall for this.. so I'm passing it forward. STOP CALLING YOURSELF NAMES! You should be okay? Is that right up there with just get over it! It's bad enough we hear this daily load of BS from everyone else.. so don't be doing it to yourself! Trauma is trauma, you don't just get over it or just become okay. Period. Just because your posts were bubbly to begin with does not warrant self name calling. In fact I'm not sure how you equate.. coming to realize how much hard work this is.. with being a "f**k-up! We all have to realize this at some point and none of us were just born with that knowledge. It's a journey, you discover stuff...

So no more name calling.

bec

How I feel:
1.) I feel very ashamed because when I try to tell what happened to me it seems like I am alone. I was alone as a child and I am alone now. I feel like it was partially my fault it kept going on. It was especially my fault what I let my X do.
2.) I feel lonely
3.) I feel guilty
4.) I feel ashamed
5.) I feel scared.
6.) I feel confused
7.) I feel angry

What I think
1.) I think what I did was wrong.
2.) I think I am an idiot savant
3.) I think I am a stupid fool
4.) I think that if someone MALE!!!!!!! & OBJECTIVE!!!!!! does not communicate to me that I am not a disgusting person I will never stop feeling that way!

Physical
1.) sick to my stomach
2.) head ache
3.) fatigue

Bec, thank you
I needed to hear that. Even though in my heart of hearts I feel like some of the stuff that happened to me was my fault!

Love
Marilyn

Marilyn, the only thing negative thinking does is hinder you, and putting yourself down is a hinderance to your progress. Yes, its part of the low self esteem you have at present from your trauma, but to increase that you need to think before speaking, thinking even, and when you think negative, STOP... then think about a positive and replace the negative with it. The more you do it over the months, the more progressive it becomes and instinctive that your mind will just quickly pass a negative thought, then find a positive immediately without you really engaging the process, which is the idea. You would be retraining your brain so to speak.

Isn't it interesting what you found from yourself when provoked in the right means? Look at all the things you have just self analyzed from asking you a few very simple, very accurate questions in relation to your subconscious state. You found the answers yourself, you moved past the masks, past the bullshit, you are now into the truth of your situation.

I have to say, excellent progress Marilyn.... especially so soon. Well done. Don't beat yourself up getting ill from this, as it is part of the process for the first few months, but it gets much better then on and continues too for the rest of your life providing you work hard at yourself now. Nobody can give you the answers, only provoke your mind to allow you to engage them yourself, to find your own answers that are relevant to you. Yes, we will not support BS and tell you when your getting into sympathy mode, or self pity, as we all do it and need a kick in the arse when doing so, but the hard stuff you have to do, you just merely need the kick in the right direction then some support during. Well done on finding so much out about your true self... well, more to the point, moving past some denial you had and into the reality of the situation.

I must agree Marilyn, excellent progress! Please don't be too hard on yourself.

Aye! This is true! Thank you! I will continue to work. perhaps practice here would be good. As I write and the negative thoughts about myself come I can write then read aloud the positive replacements. Is very hard but I know must be done. Good kick in the arse in the right direction!