"Self pity is the pabulum of growth toward healing in that it only sustains a state of bland maintenance rather than true personal growth."

"Self acceptance is the cacatyst for growth toward true self actualization."

From the time I was very small my mother would become angry and say these exact words,

"You stupid little idiot!" I forgive her. I really do. I must tell myself that because I know in my heartshe loved me the best way she knew how. She was horribly abused as a child and the victim of domectic violence as an adult. That does not excuse her behavior but it does help me understand why her parenting skills were so poor.

However, of all the abuse I received, her words have always rang clear in my ears. I am the creator of the above quotes. Not Piaget, not Addler, not anyone else! I'm not stupid! I'm not an idiot! I am a poet, writer, artist, mother, friend, and child of God. I am a person who doesn't want to pitty herself but wants to progress in personal growth and healing. I must remind myself when the pabulum comes to pass it aside for meat, potatos, green vegies, and fruit of healing and personal growth. I must do this by exercizing my mind with truth, reality, and hope instead of shame and self pity! The things I have been through have been reeking havoc on my live but I will write, get support, and grow toward healing and restoration.

I spoke with my mother again today. She asked me not to tell any of the other family mambers I was in the hospital. She explained that that wouldn't look good. I told her out strait forward that I am very different than her. I will not accept the past as a secret to hold and be ashamed of. I was victomized and will not continue to allow her to victimize me!!!! She can hold on to her own shame. I will tell all and feel all regardless of how bad it hurts. I refuse to feel sorry for myself!!!!!!! I am a tenacious survivor and I am strong. I have to say, I do not understand why I feel such a need to be accepted by my mother. It seems when I'm doing well and following her like a pup doing everything she says I'm her "Little White Dove". Well! To f**king bloody hell with that shit! I'm not a F**king DOVE! I'm no prey to be preyed upon any more. I'm an eagle. I'm free from being prey. I will fly! She will no longer hold me down!!!!!!! Yet I feel the bullets of her words penetrate my heart. I guess even the eagle is venerable to pain. That is the sacrifice of love.

Marilyn, it's interesting you speak about doves and eagles, as we have scads of doves near our home. They are certainly not a welcome creature. They are very messy, poo all over our window sills constantly, and wake us up in the early morning with their incessant cooing. Similar to pigeons really. I agree with you entirely, I would much rather be a grand bird such as an eagle (we have those round our place as well). Your analogy about yourself and your mother is very touching.