I'm 23 and live in Canada. I recently left an abusive relationship and at first I thought I was doing O.K. (actually I didn't feel anything at all for a while). Lately though, I began to notice how much I've really changed (and other people have noticed too); like despite the fact that I am probably safer now than I was, I'm constantly scared even when I know I'm being illogical. And I find it practically impossible to actually go to social gatherings (even if it was something I really enjoy) to the point where I get physically ill just thinking about it. My friends have all told me I have bad nightmares too, but I never really remember them, usually I remember just that I woke up terrified and couldn't breathe. But I won't get into all of that now. For as long as I can remember I've suppressed my feelings, constantly downplayed stuff to my friends, and practically never tell my family anything (it wouldn't help much I don't think). So I'm really not "close" to anyone, and I feel like no one really knows me, even I guess myself. Denial has pretty much been the way I've dealt with things that have happened. So much so that I can't remember huge chunks of my life, even though I have an excellent memory for everything else. Nothing scares me as much as telling or talking about my feelings. So I've always avoided it, until now because I started to worry that this recent thing has stirred up all my old stuff too and that maybe I'll just fall apart soon. When I read about PTSD it was the first time that I felt like there are other people like me. So I thought I'd try to share a bit and see...

That's exactly how I used to feel every moment of every day. 18 months ago a survey question asked me what my greatest fear was, and I wrote "myself."

It's not "myself" that I'm afraid of anymore. I feel like I've gotten to know myself better and have become more aware of my own emotions. I still feel like others don't know me, but these days I'm beginning to feel understood and accepted. Today I'm doing better than I ever thought possible. If I can do it, I believe you can too.

As for the memories, my brother can't remember chunks of his life either. He likes to say that he has "no memories." He doesn't remember the bad things that happened to him that I watched him go through, or who taught him to believe certain untrue things about himself that he is only now unlearning. He does, however, have a very good memory for all the good things that happened in his life. I hope that doesn't scare you too much, but maybe it will help you in some way.

I hope you find what you're looking for!

Hi Jinx, welcome to the forum. An easy way to help you is to use the PTSD Diagnosis, which can give you a better idea, though by no means says you have PTSD.

Hi Jinx.... welcome to the forum. I have quoted the bits that I really relate to in here. I can talk about emotions - but only if I am not connected to them, and that makes it hard to identify them. Also have memory issues, though I actually have a very good memory, just not autobiographically! Relate to the denial - Queen of avoidance/distraction here!

So you are certainly not alone. I know for me it's been massive to be able to read around and say "that's me! That's me too!", and suddenly, sadly, that so many are suffering in such uncannily similar ways.

I hope you find this forum supportive.

Lisa.

hey jinx, welcome to the forum.

Hello and welcome

Thanks for all the welcomes guys! I can't find the words to express how calming it feels to know that people actually relate to what I wrote. I am struggling now to figure out where to start though...I have read some other people's stories but still I am scared...I really don't have experience in sharing my feeling and personal stories. I do really want to try though...any suggestions? I'm sure there is never an easy way...but maybe someone can tell me why they started where they did or how they decided to start where the did?

trauma diaries is a good place to do that. under public if you want everybody to be able to read/comment. ptsd or private, if you want to limit.
cathy

Looks at it all and hugs tight.

Hon, that pretty much sums it up.

All these points that I have up here are how each and every one of us (especially me) have reacted.

Hee, me, not talk to people, definately
Not feeling- done that too.

The fear is something you will eventually learn to work with, Hell, I've spent nights upoon nights lying awake or pacing because I am so scared he's going to come into my room.

snuggs tight. Am not going to go on with my crap.




Oh, the best way to start is at the beginning. Just write for yourslf

Hadn't gotten around to it til now, but I wanted to welcome you to the forum. Its great that you're open to getting some help figuring this PTSD thing out. I know I still struggle with it. Some days I accept it and work with it, other days I'm in denial and just try to avoid it. Either way, this forum helps me get through.. glad you're here.