I have just joined this forum and so far have only sent a few replies to others and posted once. I have not shared my story. I was at a workshop for work this week on Emotional IQ and it was torture at times to stay in the room, never mind stay present emotionally. We were asked to draw our life story, showing the paths we have chosen and why, people who have influenced us an how and goals we aimed for and those we want to make. Eegads, then we had to share that with our co-workers. Usually I lie at this type of exercise, who wants to hear my stuff. Well this time I told the truth. It was very difficult to do. Now no-one speaks to me. One co worker said I made everyone uncomfortable. I said, if you were uncomfortable hearing it, how do you think I feel having lived it???

I was a happy little girl:dummy-spi until age 5 when our house burned down and the family who lived in the front apt died and I survived. I actually heard adults say that it was a shame that those cute little children died, when those ugly stupid ones lived. We moved and my parents had to take in relatives and boarders to make ends meet. My uncle started sexually abusing me when I was 6, a boarder had a great time for 5 years, and a man who lived upstairs and offerd to babysit, (and later became a minister) had the nerve to get his jollies by having me give him hand-jobs under a blanket with my mother in the same room. He chatted with her while placing his hand over mine and ....

I finally ran left home at 17 and tried to start fresh. I went to a local college and I was gang raped by the entire football team. I dropped out of school and withdrew for years. I did not acknowledge how badly that had affected my life until about 18 months ago. I just told everyone what they expected to hear, I was too stupid to pass. (I went to university in my 30's and attained a perfect 4.0 GPA). I stumbled from one abusive relationship to the next, drinking, doing drugs, taking risks for the next 20 years. Because I never really trusted anyone, I had no real friends, just a serious of people who used me for whatever they could get, be it sex, drugs, or whatever.

I finally met a nice man and married when I was 35 and had a son. Two years later, he told me he never loved me but felt sorry for me and now he wanted to go back to his first wife. He did. I have been raising my son working in day care, which is minimum wage work. When he was 3 I was overwhelmed and made a very serious suicide attempt. It was only an accident that somene happened upon me and called an ambulance. I was unable to go into a full time program as I had no one to look after my son and would never, ever put him in foster care. So I went through the necessary motions, told the lies they wanted to hear (you get good at that when you have been lying about abuse your whole life) and got put into a day program. I joined an assertiveness training group that most people went to for 12 weeks. I was there for 2 years. That is how walked upon I felt.

I was fortunate to be appointed a fantastic psychologist who made me see that I had to give up on the idea of suicide as a solution because of my child. He saw me on a twice weekly basis for over two years and we dealt with such issues as self image and self esteem, assertiveness etc. but we never even touched on sexual abuse or its consequences. I was also physically beaten by my mother on a reguar basis for no reason that was connected to anything I did. I was convenient outlet for her frustrations. I have 4 siblings and have no connection with any of them.

Just when I was beginning to trust him, he moved to another province and left me in the hands of a quack psychiatrist who basically told me to "get over it" and to "find a husband to take care of me". Real helpful she was. That was 10 yrs ago and despite seeing four GPs since then, she is the only therapist that takes new referrals in this city. I even had the bad luck to work for her (she was too stupid to realize that I had been her patient). I needed the job, so put myself through a year of agony and abuse from her.

In the past year I have been having more and more frequent "flashbacks" during the day and night terrors where I am sure I am awake and being attacked but am really asleep. When I wake up, I am crying, in a sweat and totally exhausted. Everytime I try to go back to sleep , it starts all over again. I actually relive the rape over and over again with all the feelings that I was not able to feel at the time. Then I have to get up and be a good mom and go to work and be the perfect employee, when I am so exhausted I want to die. The only way I can get any sleep at all, is to smoke a joint. I hate that I have to do that, I get no pleasure from it, but I am able to stop the constant thoughts and sad feelings long enough to get some sleep. If I use the medication the psychiatrists give me I gain 50 lbs and have no feelings at all about anything and still cannot sleep. If I take a sleeping pill, I can't function at work.

I am now 54, my son is 18 and I am feeling so alone and hopeless. I am afraid that now that he is old enough to take care of himself, I will kill myself to get some relief. I still feel like that ugly, stupid, useless little girl that no one ever wanted.

So that is where I am at this point. I am hoping that someone can relate to this and offer something that will keep me going. Now it is just one foot inf ront of the other and I can't see why I bother.

You and me, ceedling52, we suffer, right? all the time, right? I look at my partner and he has had close to a perfect life. Come from a very functional family, sometimes i get teary from envy at my own partner! but he views me, and i think other people will view us, you and me, has possessing a source of phenomenal strength. We can be proud of that gift! And maybe that arrogance of knowing that u are strong, stronger than those around u that have had it easy, be proud of that and let that pride ofset the pain for just some relief.

Your story make me sad, angry, sore.

But I know that I am in the presence of someone amazing, resilient, beautiful by just hearing your story.

hey, ceedling, welcome to the forum. sorry you had such a wretched early life, but i have recently found that if i keep telling myself it is over, that it helps some. i know i have a ways to go, but i am determined to get there, and you can too. this is a good place to find support, and heal.
cathy

You've definitely had to deal with a lot of shit, but you've gotten through it somehow and you're still here, still looking to improve your life, so that's very positive. I'm glad you've shared your story, I'm sure many here relate to it.

Please don't kill yourself. Your son may be old enough to take of himself, but that doesn't mean he doesn't need you anymore. He needs you for much more than just financial support. My father committed suicide when I was 17 so I know what it is to lose a parent to suicide. You may be getting some relief for yourself but you will be condemning your son to deal with your untimely death for the rest of his life. I do understand wanting to do it to get relief, I've thought about it myself on occasion, but it's just not worth the enormous negative impact it has on those left behind.

Welcome to the forum ceedling....

Thanks for your support. Last year I ran into a man I had dated briefly shortly before the gang rape and had not seen since then. He remembers me as his "beautiful goddess". While I was feeling like an ugly demon. After filling each other in on our lives since that time long ago, he said almost the exact same thing that you did. He still sees me as a beautiful goddess but now says he has to add, strong, admirable, and kick-ass parent to that. Unfortunalty the man is married to the woman he dumped me for all those years ago and although he fancied himself still in love with me, I was strong enough to not fall for that fantasy. You cannot go back and "redo", you have to live with were you are now and deal with it. Not too many years ago, I would probably have had an affair hoping he would leave his wife and we would live happily ever after. He made his choice, it is not up to me to correct his mistakes now, is it?
Wow where did that all come from? But I will not delete it.
Thanks again. and I am feeling better already

Glad to have you here on the forum.. its a safe place.. great people with love and understanding. Hang in there, as we all try to do. :redface:

Dear ceedling52, Many elements of your story were so similar to mine and I cannot help but cheer you on from the sidelines. It takes a great deal of fortitude (I know all too well) to keep on despite all that has occured. It's great that your here and you will find many that are willing and able to help you out when the going gets difficult. Know this, you are not alone and this is a safe place. I had to pause and get a grip on myself before I replied, I can get very emotional at times. The part about going for two years for assertiveness training truly struck a chord. There are some really great articles too and take the time to read them. Glad you found your way here. Love, map9

You're doing great to have made it this far. I hope you find a good psychiatrist and a better paying job. You sound like you have a great personality.