is speechless and hugs her tight.

Maus, I think you are brave, tenacious, and a true spitfire that has faired enormously well considering the horrible injustices you have undergone.

Never give up hope, I know you will meet *that* again, You have to believe Maus.....My heart holds you.....Super Hugs .......And a super hug for Maus the Senior Citizen too!

I call her now by that name. Oh this is my diary. Okay then I can write what ever I want.
Okay tantrums? anger attacks and explosions are out of control again today, started yesterday. Too bad. I was just under the impression that I had a little more controle over it. Could be for several reasons.
1. Wednesday appointment with the lawyer who is going to guide me in the lawsuit against the governement. That could cause too much stress. I haven't prepared anything. I can't. I drown in legal papers and are unable to read the horrible accusations.
2. Was in the chat room yesterday that went horribly wrong. Had a good laugh and then suddenly someone started to talk about toddlers. I can't remember much, the light went out, panic and flight. I was gone. Obsessively trying to focus on something else.
3. to much info from the forum
4. to much contact with people suddenly
somehow I think I had to much from something. I couldn't sleep yesterday so stayed awake some 36 hours I think and didn't had much sleep the night before and therefore. So too hyperactive somehow. So tired and not been able to sleep. When I laid to rest I was gone. Strange that I can't sleep and when I finally lay down I am gone? That must mean I am tired. Then why don't I feel like that and on the other hand feel exhausted. Re luctant to go to bed? Afraid? In printed memories? If I lay down, she'll be there. She'll come inside my head. Therefore I most not lay down. She doesn;t exist. I was psychotic I invented her. I was all a psychosis. Don't lay down! Danger danger danger.

----------

Maus:

let's list the positive to those negatives! I will start with the parts I know about you can finish with the missing peicies or any others you find!

• you went into chat without prompting
• you interacting with numerous strangers (forum members) at once and without prompting
• you showed yourself on webcam and talked on voice!
• you stayed in chat, even after being triggered, for at least a full five minutes!
• you did not freak out or yell at anyone, nor attention seek!
• you have joined the forum, made posts, shared information!

You did wonderful! yes it was a lot all at once and that would be a big part of the symptom crash.. but bravo! You did amazing and need to acknowledge and reward yourself for it!

bec

thnx for the 5 minutes. I realized that some time must have elapsed but I didn't know how much. I forced myself to stay with you but it went on and on and I tried not to look at it.
A psych. ones told me that if I could handle a situation which was very stressful for 10 minutes he would be impressed.
3 years later I am half way

Maus..... well done for withstanding the trigger for 5 minutes! 10 seconds is long when I am triggered!

*hugs (without touching)*

yeah I know, I remember the first year, a nanosecond and I was already half on my way to the moon :-). Boy was I fast to get the hell out of that "life threathening" situation whatever it was.

"without touching": I recall that, in the first episodes, all kind of things, behavior, and reactions from my first trauma reappeared, including memories.
I left those things long time behind and everything came back at a time I least needed it.
For example no touching (not even a hand or an arm) that was ages ago when I was a child, teenager. Why do I say that now? I can be touched no problem, then why does that come out of my mouth? Strange.
Anyway no touching this time of other parts that is: everything that has changed since "that" is off limits. I don't even touch myself. I don't even dare to look at myself. Thank god I were glasses. I can blur my vision whenever I want. But to have a body that's your own and to carry that with you is carrying the memory with you all the time, all the time be confronted with your triggers. I even considered a bilateral mastectomy so I would never have to be confronted with "that".

late again 02.00 AM I must sleep, orders from my therapist, tomorrow is an important day. I will meet my new lawyer.
I had to rearrange and order all the dossiers. I didn't do anything. I haven't even packed yet. I can't, I won't I resist to look at it. I'm going to put everything in a suitcase with my hard disc and take the train due south. 5 hours in total. Small country long journey though.
I took a shower today, did some groceries, opened yet another horrible letter from an asshole of a lawyer that yet another trial went wrong.
I am to blame of course who else.
Called my therapist to go over the letters. I never open them by myself. Terrified for its contents. She wished me well for tomorrow and is afraid if I don't sleep I'll miss my appt.
I won't.

for how long? It's getting tough. They started to take out the furniture, my fridge :-( no more food and I am already so skinny, my new chairs, my stereo, no more music :-( etc etc
just started to build a new home and they are starting all over
my bank account will be frozen also and that's the end then
they win
still have this new pc, 1 month old
after being on the run for 2-3 years just settled down this summer in this apartment all for nothing
have to run again
back on the streets again soon
my new lawyer is looking in to it to try to stop them but I don't think she will succeed.

it was 6,5 hours and probably even longer that journey south. I can't understand time, numbers, appt. Find words, start saying thoughts for the next sentence in this sentence, therefore making no sense for others but myself. I think faster then I speak. Searching for words. Speaking is more affected, then writing which is undisturbed. Probably something in the brain there. The area where humans can speak and think at the same time therefore can tell a fluent story. Knowing for some reason what to say next without thinking about it. I must think and still make mistakes. But it's not in the thoughts because I can think, translate and type at the same time. But as far as I know we don't know why humans can tell a story flawless and in which area that occurs. So this knowledge is not helpful for me.

Had a major seizure yesterday after they decided to take my house empty and take my money. I started running up and down again what I did for days on end the first 10 days or so until I collapse. But that was due to an illness otherwise I probably kept on running. It really hurt my legs.
I screamed and was desperate.
My therapist couldn't believe it that this was happening again. I was so tired of my journey and my exposure to my traumas for 3 hours. I was completely blank afterwards. I needed to talk to someone called my last friend. My therapist wasn’t at home. I waited for here and crashed on the couch I hadn't sleep for 48 hours or so. When I woke it was 2.00 am and I had an appt. with her on 10.00 am but when it was finally time I made a mistake again and was told it was 14.00 hours I crashed was desperate and had only suicidal thoughts I couldn't tae it anymore. Then it was 14.00 hours and then at the same time they ring the doorbell I was so tensed I screamed very loud out of fright. They scared the hell out of me. I hate that sound. So my therapist could hear everything I said. They left a letter. I picked it up later and expected some arrangement. No deal, a list of everything they were going to take away soon. I was in total panic. Had an awful attack in which I could only see suicide as an option. They win. They told my mother nobody was that strong to withstand so much pressure and that I would crack and kill my self and that they were waiting for that to happen. Unfortunately I can't because of "that" something I can't leave behind.
My new lawyer is very kind and helpful she wrote yesterday evening she is going to try to prevent this disaster.
It means otherwise that I lost the battle from the government and will never get "that" back, being homeless again.
I wonder if this is a well worked out plan or a coincidence. People are very angry that I went to the human rights court. It could be they are increasing the pressure on me to quit. I don't know.
I slept well after the letter from my lawyer.
Now I am quiet, no more spirit left in me.
Tired in my head not my body.
Tried watching TV listen to music
Nothing can make me feel a little bit alive inside
I don't want to know about other people’s problems or talk about that or read about that.
I asked for help from a specialized centre for PTSD. I had to go to my therapist this morning. I forgot to set the alarm because of all the things happening in two days in a row and because I make these mistakes all the time. Forget appt. forget the alarm, the day, the time, set the alarm wrong, all these stupid mistakes. Can't do anything and when I try to do something it is wrong. I paid one bill once, it came back, wrong name and address. Hopeless. I was so great once, so happy, I was content with my life. Not a cloud in the sky. So now I don't have a referral letter for this centre I hope he will send it by mail or post.
Soon.