Hi, my name is Lorelei. I'm seventeen and live in upstate New York.

On March 21st 2005 I was raped by my psychologically and verbally abusive exboyfriend. I couldn't do anything about it because I wasn't 'raped enough' for the legal system to care. Well, I don't care what the legal system says... I was raped and it's practically ruining my life.

I think my PTSD symptoms started a couple of months after I was raped. I had episodes often, my worst ones being when I would visit friends in Boston (I was raped around Boston). I don't have episodes like I used to. I would lose touch with a lot of my surroundings when I had episodes before. Now I just have panic attacks and play everything over and over again. My panic attacks are worse at night. I go to sleep in panic attacks and I wake up in them. I used to suffer from complete derealization, but I came out of it a few of months ago.

At this point, I cannot leave the house. I only go out to my therapy appointments and I don't even like doing that. I'll leave sometimes to buy cigarettes but I wish I didn't have to talk to people while I did. A lot of my friends are MIA for reasons beyond their control (mostly work and moving out and whatever). I used to go to open mic's but I can't even do that anymore... it used to be the only thing I'd look forward to doing. I was seeing someone which distracted me from a lot of my PTSD, but we broke up. He still talks to me. He's concerned about me but has no idea what to do.

Anyway, I go to community college. I decided to attend part-time this semester (full time was way too much for me). I'm going twice a week. My semester starts on the 29th... I don't know how I'm going to do it. School is difficult for me anyway (I have Nonverbal Learning Disorder) and being too depressed and panicky to leave the house won't help, I imagine. Anyway, I joined to maybe pick up some skills to help me out a little so I can go to school.

Thanks,
Lorelei

Hi Lorelei and welcome to the forum. I'm a student too so I know school is tough to deal with when you have all this crap going on...for me school is one of the few things that keeps me at least somewhat sane (though it's not fun when I can't focus on my work and have to ask for extensions etc.)...I'm actually already in panic as the new school year approaches because last semester was very stressful for me. So, just wanna say welcome and good luck with everything :)

Hi Lorelei,

Welcome to the forum. Pointers... well, there are plenty of them within the information sections and threads already, so please give them a read as you feel you can, because there is a lot of really good content available on this forum alone, let alone the rest of the net.

I can see your frustration with the prick getting away with raping you... hell, I would be too. No female deserves that sort of treatment, ever; and I'm sorry that it happened to you.

I understand what you are saying about your social withdrawal, but actually attending school a couple of sessions per week could actually be beneficial for you to help develop and maintain your social skills, even though many other aspects are working against you.

If you have anger components, then you need to learn and practice techniques on that, to get it under control quickly. I have no doubt at all, that schooling is going to present you with constant symptoms, because you not healed as such, so doing anything outside of your minds bounds will be stressful, no doubt at all.

An idea if you want me to have a better understanding of where you stand at present, would be to fill out the PTSD assessment form, copy the results and PM them too me so I can see where you need help immediately, opposed to what can wait or the symptoms that deteriorate with other areas. This way I guess it would be easier to point you in the right direction first, to try and get some learning techniques in place before you recommence schooling.

Welcome Lorelei!

I know just how hard dealing with PTSD and going to college is...
My Doctors and parents ended up stepping in and "helping" me decide to take a break from school. (it's been 8 months since I left... and I'm still trying to get myself better!)
But this was at a time when I didn't know I had PTSD, so I had no idea what was "wrong with me".

Now, I know nothing was wrong with me,
I just have some issues I need to work out.
And this is true for you too!

You can choose to go into this experience (school) with open eyes,
and realize what you are dealing with,
or... you can just "ignore" the symptoms and try to get on with your life...
But I guarentee you that if you pick the second choice... you will end up breaking.

Rape is a huge deal!
and whether the law chooses to recognize it or not (basterds!!!!!) the rape still happened... and of course you are going to be impacted by something so horrific!!!

I feel for you when you say you stay home all the time...
Your 17!!! :(
I'm 22, and devestated that I've purposely become a hermit in the last year.
Unless I have a Doctors appointment (physical therapy, family doc, surgeon, psychiatrist, therapist, etc.) I also do not leave my home.
My boyfriend usually picks up my smokes before he leaves for work... that way I don't have to leave... 'cause I HATE leaving my house.

But I don't want to stay this way... that's why I'm here...
I want to go out again...
Do you?

Hi, thank you. :)

Thankfully, I already realized awhile ago that ignoring your feelings doesn't make them go away... it makes them come back tenfold. So I definitely will not ignore it, as much as I want to!! lol


It is horrible. I've never been this way before. A lot of why I can't leave is because I feel like something's going to happen to me if I'm out alone (like I said, a lot of my friends aren't available lately) and I need someone to protect me and comfort me. Usually with friends it's much better, but sometimes I'll still feel much too tired to do anything outside with friends, because my depression and insomnia exhaust me. =\

YES!!! I would love to be able to do fun things again!! I hate living this way. This is just awful.

You will! It's possible..... I am a sexual assult survivor....and I'm having a party this weekend... And I'm not scared one bit! I'm excited. It was fun putting up lights on the patio and picking out the alcohol...(mmmmmm!) and even the cleaning was fun. Work hard at your therapy, see that you take care of yourself, and the fun and contentment will return. And I even think it's even sweeter when it does.... Welcome!

Nam

secretstars, you're going to be just fine!
I can tell that you understand that it's not going to be easy,
and you sound like you have your head on your shoulders :)

I'm working my ass off trying to undo that last year of "hiding"
and it's really really hard, but slowly and with lots of work...
I'm making progress.

I look forward to learning more about you! :)

Don't feel like your alone. Sexual assault happens more than people like to believe. I hope you can go through this process with relatively little pain. It seems like your body is telling you that something is not right. Try to talk to a counselor about it. It may help you recover quicker.

good luck,

clara