Evie, it's so good to see you back. You made me cry in a good way.

deja vu: once I “knew” people, I could “read” them, know what they were up to, thinking, when they would call, what they were going to say, knew what was going to happen. I was good at it. Now it's mixed up. I am still good at reading people and am still right every time but it is mixed with healthy suspicion, mistrust, anxiety from the ptsd so it is not reliable anymore.
I don't have faith in myself anymore. It is very difficult when you are in the midst of a conspiracy that's not a result of paranoia but is real.
Sometimes I see a movie in which a person goes threw the same ordeal. "presumed innocent", "the net", with sandra bullock, "no way out" with kevin Costner. Innocent people who were set up by the system, the government to take the fall.
At some time I started thinking that I really was insane, but my therapist kept on going all by herself trying to enter my mind and erase the brainwash effects of the prosecutors. In my country it happens that b/c of the pressure and the brainwash of victims they finally admit having killed someone they haven't even met.
It takes years before those people are rehabilitated if it happens at all.

death: I am sorry for the loss of your friend. Are all these losses making us stronger because we detach ourselves from our feelings? Are we immune for death? Have we harnessed ourselves that much that we can't feel what is happening around and inside us?
We see in reality and in our minds the pictures, is that a kind of exposure? We numb ourselves by accident because of what we have to go over and over again in our heads. Is this a protection mechanism of the brain? Does the brain do this on purpose or is the brain shutting down because it can't do anything else about it? Is it a brainwash done by the brain itself?
Maybe the mechanism wears out in time, or isn't stand by after a while and the death of a friend can cause a jolt an electrical shock to the brain that makes it wake up from its slumber state. Like waking up from hibernation also a mechanism completely ruled by the brain. We wake up when it is safe? Is it then that we start to function again because our brain gave its permission? You got sick, you lost someone again and then your brain gives itself a jolt wake up wake up you must be awake now you must safe yourself and do something. As a result you suddenly have some control over you anger outburst, you can rationally analyze and understand patterns, behavior and the impact of it. Like ECT (electro shock therapy).
If I must act I found out that suddenly I could do a lot, which I normally can't do at all. After that I slide away in my slumber state again.

Just some thoughts
Sleep tied, no dreams or sweet dreams, get well soon
give my regards to your aunt and uncle

Thank you for the regards maus.

Very well done dear! To think I was feeling guilty for leaving you in hospital so long. Did you a world of good obviously.

Uncle Jim.

Evie,

I couldn't agree with you more. I watched my sister die for twelve years and never once did I hear her say 'why me' or something along those lines. She knew her time in life was limited and got rid of the people that brought her down, made amends to who she felt she needed to make amends to and lived her life to the best of her ability...even when she was house bound. She touched so many lives in her short 46 years and helped so many people. She is my hero. When I get a big old case of the 'feeling sorries for me' I just remember her. It helps me to put it all in perspective.

You're also someone I look up to, Evie. You've had so much thrown at you in your young life and you haven't given up and you've kept fighting. I've read a lot of your posts where you say you felt like giving up...but you never did. You're strong and you're a fighter. And I'm so glad I've got to meet you here.

Awww. I don't like to make people cry. But if it's in a good way I guess it's all right then. Thanks for the welcome back Terry! :)

Wow. Thanks for telling me about your sister Marlene. It actually adds to my strength or resolve or whatever you want to call it. I like hearing about other's cancer stories, even if the person ultimately dies. People like that really change your life! And I'm stunned and embarrassed but thanks for saying you look up to me as well. Once again it just helps me to continue with what I'm doing and not give up.

Mirrorman? Oh that's an interesting meaning. Art Spiegelman is Jewish. He was born in Sweden, grew up in the US, his parents were Polish Jewish refugees. His book Maus is about his parents surviving the Holocaust.

Wow maus 18 hours is a long time to have an attack. Mine have never seemed to be that long. They last a couple of hours at the most. I exhaust myself and fall asleep generally.

Have you ever had ECT? Again just curious, because I have had it myself. I had a few treatments about 3 years ago I think. I'm sorry I had them. Never again. Sorry you had cancer too, but I'm glad you've recovered and it hasn't come back. I'm hoping the same for myself obviously. Thanks for all your thoughts, I appreciate them and they give me something to think about.

Thanks Uncle. You were feeling guilty about putting me in the hospital?? Really?? Why?? I hope you don't feel guilty anymore.

Evie,

My sister didn't have cancer, she had a rare disease call Polychondritis-it's considered one of the orphan diseases. Little known about it, little funding, etc. She actually let doctors at the University of Colorado do experimental treatments on her for a number of years so they could learn about more about this disease and hopefully help other people who were diagnosed with it. Yeah...she was one of those people who really changed your life.

Oh okay sorry I don't know why I assumed cancer. Anyways still, it doesn't matter one way or the other, she was obviously an inspiration! I am really interested in orphan diseases, as well as rare genetic abnormalities actually, because I have an extremely rare (but completely benign) deformity of my fingers. It's a genetic birth defect. I think the stats are like 1 in 50 million people are born with *some* of their fingers deformed in this manner, and even fewer than that have all deformed fingers. Mine are all deformed, and I've visited teaching hospitals several times during my life, so interns and new doctors can have the opportunity to look at my fingers lol. There's even a picture of my fingers in the international medical database. My fingers are really ugly IMO, I'm always trying to hide my hands when I meet people. But I am an artist so obviously the fingers aren't causing me any real harm.

Anyways I haven't heard about the disease your sister had but I'm really curious now so I will definitely do some research on it!

that's a great answer about Spiegelman. What I meant is that Spiegelman is German (the name). I know his comic book about the jews and the holocaust (he's world famous for it).
He is of german descent, somewhere. His bloodline is german originally. Generations ago maybe. Where he was born or lived I don't know. In Scandinavian it would be something like Speilmann :-) which sounds even more german btw. In Dutch also Spiegelman. But those names Speilman and Spiegelman aren't used as family names outside Germany. It is only a litteral translation. Like mirrorman. I don't think the family mirrorman exist in the US. It is a typical german name and solely german. I don't know what it is in Polish. All the teutonic languages look like eachother. We know the little differences in writing although it sounds the same. Therefore we know who is from which country (originally) Maybe he changed it into Spiegelman like so many jews did after the war. Maybe it used to be Spiegelstein ;-)
The name changes caused a lot of problems btw for physicians. because some diseases only occur in jews. But b/c the physicians didn't know they changed their names (parents didn't tell their children) they never looked for this rare disease, b/c they weren't jewish. In some cases it all came out b/c someone developed this rare disease.
Anyway thnx for the extended info about "MAUS" and the author.

18 hours: yes it goes on and on, I think I do this myself b/c of the yelling, screaming I keep myself in that state, keeping up the high adrenaline levels. I don't remember how it stopped. Now it is b/c of exhaustion but then? Maybe b/c I finally got someone on the phone who could break the circle.

ECT: scary, but sometimes I think rationally that maybe it could help. To cause a short-circuit in the brain, generating a new circuit for the electrical impulses to travel to the nuclei in the brain. Reroute the info and the processing. But it is just a theory. We stopped using it once in my country but we started it again in a specialized centre under strict medical and legal conditions. Sorry to hear it didn't work for you.
And b/c curiosity killed the MAUS. I would like some more info about what changed for you, what got worse or better after your ECT. How many times did you try it? Don't answer if you don't want to. There aren't many patients in my country I can ask about it. Probably none :-)

Wish you well
ps I copied the moose picture from your uncle very funny