bec,

I know you want to isolate. I remember feeling that and still do many times. I too want to just pick up and run.

I can so much relate to the good-bad flash backs, the ones that leave you feeling sick, disgusted, and stupid at the same time.

Perhaps I am overidentifying, but somehow, I don't think so. I can feel you. Its like you are really alone, facing the trauma, the deep and arduous hole alone. Oh bec, I suffer too. I may not be by your side in person but I am with you in spirit. It si Ok to be mad! Put some steel toed boots on and kick the living shit out of something, a tree, a park bench, what ever you can find. Yell at those images you see, tell them to go back to HELL where they came from and leave you alone!!!! I see a shadowey figure that tries to get inside me and I a single silver fly falling from the ceiling or sky like it was just swatted but it can see me. I am with you bec. You are a very special person, please do not ever quit. I'd miss the living hell out of you! You are REAL girlfriend!!!!!!! YOU ARE REAL!!!!!! Hang in there and if ya need anything, and I freakin' mean anything YOU GIVE ME A HOLLER!!!!! I mean that now! No fakey fakey hushy kushy shit. I'm the real thing. I'm nuttier than a shit house rat, but D-MN IT! I'm the real thing! A fellow struggler on the rocky road of life with PTSD. Yes, I'm a JESUS freak and I will be a prayin' for some peace for ya, along with myself. I love you bec!

LOVE & CARE
Your Friend and Fellow Struggler Marilyn S.

Okay.. let's take a look at this..
I am alone yes. To a point. I do have my friend Nic, I have the forum and my friends here.. I have a doctor struggling to understand and my son who suffers himself. So am I alone? Partially.. Am I facing my trauma alone? By no means. My diary is testament that I am not facing it alone.. many members have posted and helped me through it or kicked my ass when warranted.. that is not facing my trauma alone. However, you stating that it's a "hole" says a lot about you facing your trauma.. the question is .. why do you feel that you are facing it alone? Who are you hiding secrets from that makes you feel as if you are doing this alone?

Now, as to the second point about being mad. Is it okay to get angry? Of course.. but is it okay to kick the shit out of something? NO. This is not okay. Yes I flipped out and don't remember half of it.. that doesn't make it okay. I beat inanimate objects. That is not okay. That is rage. That is out of control. That is unhealthy.

Now as to where the images come from. My images do not come from hell. They are flashbacks. They are REAL memories of what happened to me. They are coming from my mind because I need to deal with what happened to me. Hell has nothing to do with it. The hallucinations of the stupid bugs or slinky shadow are hallucinations. I've had them before. I get them when I'm uncontrollably symptomatic. I get them when I get very very ill. Which I am. These are also not images from hell. They are a sign from my mind that I am very unhealthy and need to either help myself or go and get some help. Again, hell has nothing to do with it.

Now, as to the shadowy figure that tries to get inside of you. I'm really not sure what you are referring to. A) this could simply be a hallucination you have or B) you believe the devil is trying to get you. If it's a hallucination well we've covered that one already and if you think it's the devil then we have some religious fever issues to discuss. We will discuss the religion also.

Thank you for thinking I'm special. That is sweet. Also, I won't give up. I'm too damn stubborn.;)

Now for the rest of it.. you seem to have gotten lost in a religious fever there. Religion is okay. However, I would caution you at going to this length in someone's diary. Not everyone shares the same views. This could really anger some members and annoy others. I generally just say thank you for the prayers and ignore the rest. However, I think you like to hide your feelings behind religion. You use it to boost your ego and self-esteem. That is not healthy. There is nothing wrong with religion as long as you don't go overboard. And yes there is such a thing as overboard. Overboard is when you are using religion to hide from yourself. Every post you have made thus far, that involves religion, has been a mask. What are you hiding from?

Now as to the main theme... Are you over identifying? The question really is what are you over identifying with? I don't think it's so much that you are over identifying with me as it's the things I have recently written about.. food for thought eh?

bec

I am so sorry, You know you and I said too much. I do not know why I thought it was OK to just be who I think I am when I really do not know who I am. I am really sorry. I wanted so bad to be supportive. I'm an idiot!!! You can kisk me in the rear for that but that is how I feel.

* I take pills to be happy
* I take pills to sleep
* I take pills to focus
* I take pills to help with my psychosis

I do not know who the BLOODY HELL I am and I'm trying to support you? Hell, I can't even support myself. I'm a D*mn failure!!!!

I'm sorry.
You were trying to help and get me to think about stuff and all I did was act a fool. Thank you for being supportive of me and again, I'm sorry I mis interpreted your diary. I will not post in it anymore unless it is just to say I'm with ya and I love ya. That is from my heart even though I am very hurt right now.

Love,
Marilyn

A) You can not read my mind so quit trying to. Your assuming that your post was not helpful. Did I say that? No, I did not. In fact I said thank you, twice. Quite the opposite isn't it?

B) Get off the pity pot. Don't expect me to endorse pity. Because it won't happen. I expect to get my ass kicked if I sit on the pity pot, so consider it passed foward. Pity doesn't help anyone.

C)Quit avoiding my questions. Nice try but it's not going to work. Answer the original questions. If you would prefer, I would be more than happy to move this thread to our private area.. but answer them regardless.

bec

Marilyn,
You did not do anything wrong by pouring out you heart to bec. Don't be sorry for something you did not do.
Bec,
Marilyn was trying to be empathic not trying to judge or attack you. Why not just take it at that? Why try to turn around and hurt her? You are not "taking a look at this" you are trying to cause her to hurt.... Guess you were successful in that.
She has no fever, just alot of faith in something that must irritate the crap out of you and Anthony both.
I'm sure that this post will be dumped and maybe it should, but I would thank you to not just lash out because you were hurt. She sure did not attack you, and didn't deserve your treatment!
She is trying her level best to deal with alot of trauma, just as you are. For her, rage is something in control, just real pissed. She does not understand about blind rage, such as you have.
As for religion, thanks, but no thanks. We don't belong to a club.. We have a relationship with Something higher than ourselves. That is just my opinion. Food for thought, eh?

Wayne

Well, waynes, I find it interesting that somehow this is an attack. Says a lot, considering there is no attack there, just questions.

No where in there is anything that would deem hurtful, nor lashing out. If you want to see what lashing out.. I would be more than happy to give you examples as the difference is rather.. ummm... what the heck is the word? Noticeable? no.. umm crap. anyways I think you get the picture.

If asking questions, that are honest questions, is lashing out. Then no one here can be helpful or put in their two cents in anyway. This board, and most certainly myself, are not expected to pussy foot around someone else.

Also, do not presumme, as did your wife, what my intentions are. You can not mind read and I don't appreciate it.

If someone does not want their posts looked at, then don't post them and most certainly do not post it in another's person diary. Which is meant for the author of the diary to pull apart for healing purposes.

bec

Dear bec,
I was on my little ol pitty potty I guess. I allowed myself to perhaps mispercieve what you where saying. Thought you were making fun of my spirituality. But I know you weren't. I do love ya bec! You are a blunt sort and I LOVE that. I will never kick you off your pitty poty however. I may love ya off it but I don't believe kickin' does anything but hurt folks more. Sorry bout' my sweetie's anger. He's a little protective but he's my best friend and I love him. I'll re read your questions and give them some thought.
Love,
Marilyn

Thank you Marilyn. I meant no disrespect.. and I am spiritual, not religious.. I believe in god ya know.. that's why prayers are thanked for.

LOL, yes he is over protective isn't he? Actually, it's sweet.. although it can be a little annoying when you are just asking a question! LMAO

Please do give them some thought.. I put them here.. because I noticed points that I wanted to dig into.. and yes I am very very blunt. I just can not stand beating around the bush!

Please do kick me off my pity pot when I sit on it.. and I mean kick.. being nice wouldn't budge me! Not pointing out the "pity pot" stance doesn't help me when I sit on it.. LOL and I do on occasion.

bec

In answer to your questions:
1.) Why do you feel you are facing it alone?
Answer: Bec, I feel this way because when I have the flash backs, many times its when I have withdrawn due to depressed feelings. Sometimes, I feel like even God leaves me alone. But it is only because I am expecting (heaven welfare). I'm wanting to feel sorry for myself. Waa! Waa! Waa! Wayne is a great comfort to me and holds in me in his arms when I am crying and afraid. I'm definetly not alone! I'm very blessed. Thank you for asking me this question and helping me to see that.

2.) The next question I have to answer in a PM, as I do hide stuff about my X from my sweetie so he won't be too tempted to violence. I probably should have pressed charges (against my X) but I feel I would have only been prosecuted myself.

*****As far as my referrence to your images coming from HELL. I do not believe that literally. I was just cussing at them because they hurt you. If I could take your pain I would. I love you. You are a true survivor and you are my cyber aka online friend whom I can see is trying to help me. I accept that help now that I'm off my (poopy little pitty potty) Hee! Hee! Hee! I don't even feel pity-fart-ful anymore! lol! Haa! Haa! Haa!!!!!!!!!

I am sorry if it seemed I went over board. I am a plain spoken person, very open with my feelings most of the time. I am even very open and sometimes feel quite naked in responce to sharing the trauma I have experiences. And when no one responds yet many have read, feel just a little more naked because I start to (stinkin' thinkin'). Then I feel real shame.

3.) What am I over identifying with?
Answer: I percieved from your journal that you just wanted folks to leave you the hell alone. that you just wanted to write and be alone. But I perceived that perhaps because that is the opposite of what I want. I want Anthony to at least write an occasional, perhaps once a week (atta girl) or (get off your potty) or something. I know I should not expect this. I write too much in my private diary. I know he reads it because it shows on the read count. He is very kind for reading it even. Think I got a little transferrence going with him. Just have feelings of love and care because he has saught wisdom in order to help others and he's been real kind to me and many, many others who suffer and struggle with PTSD. But ya know, there are so many others who are suportive here. And that is what Anthony created this site for, mutual healing between PTSD sufferers. He's not a doc! But he is a sweet fellow! A blunt sweet fellow but yet careful and empathic. You have these thraits too my dear!

Bec,
Yes I am very protective of Marilyn. I hope you will take this apology, for I didnt not mean to upset you, It it is hard seeing her hurt, even if it is for her own good. I am charged with her protection.
That does not include causing anyone else harm. If I upset you, I'm sorry. I try real hard not to interfere with her healing. Some times I am guilty, as is now the case. I know you are trying to help, and I thank you for it.

Wayne:crazy-blu