Well, i really don't know what to write, so i'll start with some bits:

Reccuring Nightmare 1:

This one began when i was about 6(?) an ended when i was about 11(?).
I think the action was always a bit different ... but in the core it was like this:
My parents didn't like me so they pushed a button that made the stairs go to the ceiling opening a hole with something like a melting pot or lava or that alike, where they wanted to burn me.

Reccuring Nightmare 2:

This one started earlier maybe with 5 stayed till maybe 12. Easy actions:
Something bad was happening, i was screaming "No, no!" ... but noone heard or saw me ... then the ... well the world came to an end ... really hard to tell what it was that made it end ... something like, explosions, burning, electric shock, pressure cruhsing everything ... maybe it was me that died ... i don't know.

Recurring Nightmare 3:

This one is interesting. It started with maybe 16 or 17. Only action was me killing everybody, sometimes shooting, sometimes slashing them with knifes ... sometimes both. Interestingly after these dream i always was calm, happy, loved my friends and my girlfriend. But i slowly grew fear of myself.

Recurring Nightmare 4:

It started when i was maybe 20. Occurring maybe 3 or 4 times a week. Location: Hell. It's interesting ... i don't believe in hell, but i believe you can live in hell on earth. Though that in my dream the place didn't look like something i've seen before.
Thee room only had one flat wall. (yeah, that doesn't make sense, but thats the dream) It had no ceiling. No way out. The floor was, nah it was not really a floor, it was something like mud, mostly blood and shit. The wall was made of clotted blood and bodily parts. I tried to get through the wall, but no matter how much i tried to get through there, i didn't get through.

I don't know when this dream stopped, since i stopped to be aware of my dreams with maybe 22. Nowadays i remember some dreams and sleep much better, this dream seems to be gone forever :D

Aah, have been on a trip to a distant place, where people don't speak my language ... well smiling always works, everywhere on the world. I enjoyed the silence, the landscape was so ... otherly. When i wrote the last entry my SUDS was maybe at 6 or 7? ... while reaching the 9 within the next 12 hrs ... just when i was shooting with maybe 120mph along the highway. But well i guess the shakes begin at 10 ... no nausea this time, no vertigo.

Sometimes i see myself running down a sand desert, after an eternity i reach the sea, go straight down the beach, walking into the water, loosing foothold, then i get swept away. Somehow i reach the ice and again keep on walking, right into the ice desert.

I had fear of people. It was not like "Oh, my god there are humans!". I was just getting very aroused. Tunnelvision, shakes, not hearing them ... well, i did hear them but i didn't understand them ... the words were like ever ... hello was hello, and i reacted with "hi!" ... but i didn't understand the words as speech. ... I wonder if someone who has not had these experiences will ever understand it.

I still feel disconnected to people, sometimes i just look at them, wondering ... just wondering. Nowadays i can enjoy icecream ... so somehow i'am getting back to them ... i mean icecream is totally stupid, but so is the whole life ... you get born and sometime you will die. There is no effort, only the gift we call lifetime.

I feel the urge to "push it". Nothing is enough, unless it is not totally enough. I have to explain this: i can have fun with breathing, it fills me with warmth and the world becomes brighter, sounds get sharper, louder, fuller, it is totally enough. But when i meet a girl in a club, i am not satisfied, chat, touch, kiss, go home, **** ... and then "whoops! what am i doing here?" ... just when there is nothing more to reach (i know there is actually more to reach than ****ing a person) i stop, look and loose interest. I have to go to the fullest, everything else bores me or is to complicated, to much work for no effort. Give me back my fight.

I feel disconnetcted and alien to these people ... but sometimes ... i feel touched by them, especially by children. And i want to give them, at least a smile.

I am frustrated.

I once read an article of a guy who had severe problems, he had some oprations on his brain and descended into depression. One time he decided to go into isolation and live his life for himself, as he stated no one could understand the problems he had. So he descended into his isolation buulding up his world anew. So he did find kind of salvation and could go back into society, now he's back at his university again teaching students.


After reading the article and letting the idea grow i too decided to get acustomed to isolation ... and it did change me, i build my world anew, and made me cope with it. I accepted what happened. Then i decided to go back. Talk to new people. Oh, and i had some expectations that were not met ... but somehow this made me stronger, mostly i can laugh shortly afterwards. I won't quit. This is my way, this is my mission.
But there is this invisible barrier ... it seems like i can't relate to people on a more subtle way, it seems like i am out of synchrony with them. No one did say that i am wrong with the way i see the world ... but they do see it in an other way.

Somehow it is like playing a card game, the rules are common sense, and if you play by other rules, no one will play with you. Because the rules are common sense, no one tells me the rules.

I wonder if i am not mindful enough or if i just expect too much.

I feel very alien to other people. Maybe i am all wrong and they do understand me, but it still doesn't work the way it did work.

There was a time when i was a playful guy, had lots of friends and could easily relate to others. Now i wonder what's happening.

There are two types of flashbacks i did experience:

Flashback 1:

I don't know the trigger of this one, it just happens. I am feeling alert, and habe the feeling that right now right here something will happen and it is on me to stop this. But i can't figure out what it is. And it does not happen. The negative consequence is that i am disrupted in my thinking, i can't do work, i can't discuss with people because i get easily distracted. Actually i don't know if this is a flashback. I have it since i can remember. I don't know from which situation it could stem.

Flashback 2:

Trigger: A special kind of Haircut, maybe the headshape.
I get thrown back into the time when my best friend had cancer and i felt down, helpless, hopeless. When that happens i am socially disabled. The day is ****ed.

Traumatic Enough for PTSD Criterion A?

• Usual beatings in my family, father against me
• Usual beatings at school, usually more than 3 against me
• Usual beatings in neighbourhood, usally more than 3 against me
• Beaten till conciouslessness with 19 yrs by a group of 3
• Sexual assault by two neighbors when i was 9
• Best friend died when i was 4
• Best friend suffered from cancer and still suffers from complications
• Was somehow forced to smuggle drugs into the country, to give pain relief for best friend
• Mother attempted suicide when i was 11
• Brother of best friend died in traffic accident

I guess this is sufficient.

Depersonalization:
I felt like not being me. I was someone, i was a machine. I was a zombie. I guess thats a check.

Feelings of guilt:
I did go as i was not able to change the situation. It did hurt me and i tried to rescue myself. If i had been able to give my live for the cure of my best friend, i had done it. I felt guilty, and still i feel guilty for the suffering of others. Only low level but i feel it. Check.

Criteria for healed trauma not met:

5. The person's damaged self-esteem has been restored.

6. The person's important relationships have been reestablished.

7. The person has reconstructed a coherent system of meaning and belief that encompasses the story of the trauma/s.

Geez. Still frustrated. After hammering that stuff into this diary, i had to speak with a friend ... yes ... slowly i'am getting some friends together again. Afterward si went to a party. And well, at least 3 girls did smile to me, very obviously. Me didn't do nothing, did not feel ready or connected or something like that. I feel like missing something.

Somehow this is also a turnup for me. The most disgusting things might be shown, while i can smile while others would become desperate. The other times (when other have fun and socialize) i feel numb, well not like stunned, but just like nothing. Those things don't do anything with me, theres just a small, very small remembrance of something.

I guess i can't change me. Myself has to get out there by itself ... i just can't wait any longer. Looks like i have, too.


(Why am i only able to write this in english? Why not in my native tongue?)

I wanted to write something but got stuck in the forum. I read the trauma diary of batgirl. I wonder ... theres this ... damn my mind gets mixed up ... somehow i think that others have experienced much more or more harder stuff ... so maybe i should not complain ... ^^ but well we know that this is a usual reaction for people with ptsd ... "oh, no, i am fine, the others aren't." ... i guess what matters is the very personal subjective pain and trauma that one experiences. ... The thing is somehow i am fine, i have no more flashbacks, no more nightmares, less aggression, less fear, when i have fear i normally go where my fear is, thats something that i am proud of, but what did this all bring me? There are people that are envious, because i achieve things with less effort (on the surface), some are that nice that they do say this to me, i guess thats the best for them and for me. But somehow i am pissed, the things that seem so easy to achieve for me did cost much, and i've been a long way, a long way that i sometimes lack to realize myself.

I somehow feel that theres still a lie running through all this. I dont know.