I am the opening and closing of the door that shuts out my feelings or lets them in. As easy as this is to say, it is also as hard to control. Learning this might be an art ... it might be Kung Fu ("achievement through great effort").

Damn, i am really doing the whole stuff to myself. I am responsible. ^^

Ok, pushing down the wall with all might has also disadvantages ... numbing does not only steal the good feelings ... it also hides the bad ones.

My first reaction is: "Stop that!" ... but if i can't feel fear ... how can i intervene? How can i support rewriting the memory? And if i am that occupied how can i even think of a creative intervention?

Explanation: My fear just popped in when i was under a group of people (more than 3) for a time longer than 2 hrs.

Actually i seem to ask many "what ifs" ... what if this keeps on going the way it goes ... yes i do have hope, but it gets swept away. I guess there is a way out. But which is it?

Heh ... funny just some posts above i wrote that the way will be the way and that it is the only way and it will work ... after time ^^

I guess that just was a setback ... but to get to this setback i had to drop my defense and open wide. So somehow: Mission accomplished ^^ And yeah ... what did happen? Nothing did happen, yep i had fear, but no one did eat me.

I did learn to rely on myself, because finally everyone will leave me. But that is not necessary ... sure everyone will finally die or turn his back ... but well there's this propbability that i will die earlier ... so probably there will be people till the end of my life. I just did generalize from one snafu-situation to my whole life ... and that is not right. Probably there will be always some people i can rely on, though there might be times this is not true. But how long can these times be ... i guess maximum a month or so. That's a long period but manageable. ... When i really tried to reach someone, these times weren't longer than a week ... but the setback of not reaching someone pushes fear up to the sky. I have to reassure myself in these cases that the time won't be that long. Remember: Maybe a week, propably not more than that.

Ok, i just called my mother and asked her this and that about the time when i was 4 and later. It seems that i got emotionally less accessible when i was 6, that is mostly normal ... but in my case it was heavier than with other children. When i was 4 and afterwards i painted pictures with flowers, a grave and myself. That's nothing special i guess, but it fits the picture i am slowly getting. Interestingly it was hard for me not to cry when my mother told me the story about the pictures. .. Ehm, yes i did supress again ^^ ... but now i get the picture. The problems at school, disinterest ... And i know that from that time there are still emotions.

You call it c-ptsd i call it my life, heh. The numbing ... all that really started there. And all that afterwards always cut the tree at the same height.

So if i want to get accustomed to my feelings i have to face this one ... i have to see that people could not understand me because i did shut down to bear the pain. Once it got better, but the wound was still open and the blowflies were gathering.

Heh, now i am not angry about all this.

I do feel.

There were times when i literally lost time ... i sat in the kitchen and *zapp* it was 2 hours later ... i didn't know what i did within this time. I still don't know what i did ... but i now can remember that it happened.

I feel like ... well i don't know how to describe. I do not only know that i hear birds, i hear them. I do not only know that i see the trees, i see them. I guess right now i am very vulnerable ... but i feel like i am alive. There's so much coming back right now. I now do remember that i had phases like this before ... but i always did go back to sleep. Maybe now i can stay awake? This time it all makes sense ... and that makes me calm.
I still can take full control of myself ... but now i am also able to let go, and i want to let go.

There's so much beauty in this world, that it freaks me out. Whoha!

Still sometimes i get this creepy feeling, when i see people or hear the rattling of keys. But it gets better.

When i was 14 i had sensations that my body was burning. I was a walking torch.

When i was maybe 22 i had sensations ... well it felt like my belly was ripped open and the skin that did feel like it was of metal or so was turned and twisted. Sometimes my extremities did feel like they were broken and pointing somewhere else than where they really were.