hi cookie. my daughter has a friend who told her she was so cute her face looked like a cookie. so there you go.

That's what we're here for. Can I ask you a couple more things?

- How do you think your life without your husband would be?
- How do you think the lives of your husband and your children would be if you "ended it all"?

They're hard and confronting questions I know but they do form an alternative reality which your brain is trying to trick you into thinking is better than it is now.

Hi Ptsd'd off,
These two questions are the big ones I have been wrestling with since last september. My urge to run away is strong, but I actually did make an offer on a house, they accepted, I paid ernest money, did the house inspection and was so depressed after the inspection that I backed out.

In other words, looking over the edge scared the hell out of me, and at least for now, not going anywhere is less painful than moving out.

I think if I could get come to terms with not being with my children everyday (which is imminent anyway since they're older), that I would be happier on my own.

I honestly think, after the intial trauma of splitting up, my husband would find someone else to do all of the outdoor things I can't do anymore. He is currently dominating my daughter's life and having her do all of this stuff with him (as a leader in a scout troop), but is terrified of what will happen when she goes to college and is no longer interested.

He says it wouldn't matter if I didn't do these things with him, but he's so into all the outdoor stuff and is how he copes with his issues, that I have a hard time believing it.

My children are the area that tugs at my heart the most. They are old enough that they are almost out of the house anyway, but the issue is that I need them as long as they are there.

I think the effect on them would be difficult and make them realize that the fantasy of our "perfect" family was not true after all. We tried so hard to make it be true all these years. It's hard to know how they would really react. I don't think they'd be angry, but would have a hard time figuring out how to split their time up between parents.

The only reason I'm trying at this marriage counseling is the fear of the alternative, which is leaving. I'm hoping that as we go through this process, I will want to be with him and the fear of leaving will dissipate.

Thanks for your thoughtful questions...

Thanks for your honesty Moki. From what I read I sense that you love your husband very much but want to leave because you don't feel good enough for your husband? That you feel that you could never be involved in the same 'outdoor' activities he's involved in (Scout group)? That you'd be happier on your own because then you won't be a burden on anyone else?

If this is the case (and I need you to think about these above questions carefully - even write them down) then I should remind you that the condition your suffering at the moment (PTSD/depression/an associated disorder) is causing you to think this way. I think it'd be fair to say that every member of this site is experiencing this very same reaction.

I need you to think about another question:

Are you afraid that if you don't leave your husband first then he may leave you?

Dear Pstd'd off,
You are making me cry right now.

You're right, that I don't think I'm good enough for him. I'm so tired of hurting him over and over. I know he could do better.

I also am afraid to be dumped first, so as with all friends I've had, if I sense they are going to leave me somehow, I end it first.

I'm trying to get my med dr. prescribe me some lexapro, at least for the short term, so we can make some progress on this in marriage counseling. I really hate the health care system, but it's the only way to get certain kinds of help.

You are so kind to reply to my self-pitying posts, but that's just where I am right now.

Thank you.

Hello Moki,

I am glad you are here. I think alot of times its easy to think what happened in a family is just normal stuff because that is all we know. But if you feel trauma, pain, and negative thoughts and emotions about your family life, your feelings are lagitimate. Just because others have been through things you have not does not mean what you went through was not horrible for you. It is probably not a good idea to compare your trauma with others because there is always going to be someone else who has been through other experiences of trauma that seem more difficult. That does not mean you do not have PTSD. I hope you are able to sort it all out. My husband helped me become involved with this forum and I have found much support and have come to know many very caring people. As I said, I am glad you are here and I hope you find the help and support you are searching for.

Moki, I understand because I've also been there. I don't exactly know where I am in the recovery process but I'm at a stage now where I can acknowledge things about myself a lot more clearly and communicate it. I believe that you will also reach a point in this process where you find clarity. Listen to what your husband is saying to you - communicate with him what you communicate on here - you're children sound like they're in their late teens/early twenties so communicate with them too - tell them who you are and what's making you scared - have a family meeting. Try to accept what your husband is telling you - he's staying with you through this because he wants to. Do you think it may just be possible that there is actually one person who actually wants to be with you? Well, in this case you've got three! Three people who are ready, willing and able to stick by you - how good is that?

Above all - try to defeat that nasty little message that runs through your brain telling you you're not good enough - you ARE - everyone is in their own way. Acknowledge that this message is a result of a trigger brought on by specific events in you're past - NOT your present. Don't let your past deprive you of your future.

Dear PSTD'd off,
You have very good advice, and I've heard it from my therapist too. The problem is that I can't stand to be around my husband. I feel very angry and resentful (and incredibly anxious) when he's around. He makes my skin crawl.

I know this isn't a rational response, but I really don't know how to cope except to try to avoid him every chance I get. It is not possible to actually be nice to him, just civil and of course he gets my vibe that I don't want to be anywhere near him.

That's why I think I need to be on meds for awhile, so I (we) can work out some of the stuff that's causing me to sort of parallel feel towards him the way I feel towards my stepfather.

It's a reaction that I have no control over, and if I did fake it, it would make me even more angry and resentful and self-loathing.

My med dr. has been trying really hard to keep me off ssri's, but it's just not possible. I've even asked for them and she always talks me out of it but I think that's not okay. I've talked to my therapist and he is supposed to be consulting with her and getting her to prescribe lexapro. If she won't do it, I'll need to find another med dr. that will cooperate.

Man, it's my life, and I hate the way I'm jerked around by these health care people.

Thanks for keeping up...I keep up with your posts and am there with you, too.

Thank you for your kind words, Marilyn

I think that you should sit down and have a very honest talk to your husband he sounds like he is battling with your behaviour and trying to hold the kids together.Believe me and I talk from experience being on your own is a very sad thing and thats the way I feel you are heading.Deal with your problem "TOGETHER".Porky Rees