I've been lurking here for the past couple of weeks and decided that I should introduce myself.

I'm a 32-yr-old SAHM, homeschooling mom to four kids, 3 girls 7,4 &2 and one son-6months. I have for as long as I can remember had psychological issues. I've been diagnosed with major depression, generalized anxiety, substance addiction and bi-polar over the years. It was just over one year ago when my new therapist was reading over my intake forms and some other writings I brought in that she asked what I knew about PTSD, which wasn't much. She gave me a book to read and that is when I started putting the puzzle pieces together.

From an early age (toddler) I suffered from emotional abuse and abandonment periods of sexual molestation (non-familal) and then a date rape at age of 15.

My teenage and early adult years were the worst. I never expected to live past age 24, anyway. But after I sobered up and worked on a few pieces of my story with another therapist I ended up with 8 years of being nearly symptom free of anything - until shortly after my third daughter was born and I felt as if I had gone over the cliff again. That is how I meet this new therapist. We postponed trauma treatment, due to a surprise pregnancy last year and concentrated on just getting me through those nine months.

So, we are just beginning to get on track with treatment. And my life is wild right now. I am white knuckling it through every moment. Behaviors I thought had been locked away such as drinking and cutting have come back into my life. I'm not sleeping and four nights out of the week I am up with severe back pains that start around midnight and disappear about 8am. I don't leave my house unless absolutely necessary. My entire focus is on protecting the kids from what I am going through in my own little prison.

My screen name comes from the fact that I constantly feel as though I am losing 'myself' and don't know who I am.

It feels very strange to put myself out here like this. Therapy is only one hour a week and the rest of the time I'm with kids or others who just don't get it.

Thanks

Welcome to the forum and I think you found a good place to be if you get moments long enough away from the little ones to read.

HereIam, welcome to the forum!
I did not realy understand what is SAHM...

'S'tay 'A't 'H'ome 'M'om - a way full time job from one who has done it with 4 herself. The most demanding jobs (and I had them) do not compare to kids at home you are with full time!

"Here I am", my story is similar to yours, I will leave it at that. I too am a Mom, I have 2 kids and I protect them from my PTSD stuff as much as possible. Everything you said, I have gone through and go through periodically. I have been diagnosed for a year now and have good and bad days. Medication really helps, I stay more even and tend to not have the anger that I once had and the anxiety is definately better. My kids are doing better too because I am better, it makes all the difference in their lives too.

welcome, hereiam,
I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. esp. the part about being okay and then after having your third baby, everything falling apart. How great that you found a therapist that helped you figure out the ptsd part! I had a bunch of different diagnoses over the years, similar to yours, but it wasn't until I got to the point where I realized it was ptsd that I really feel like I'm making some progress.

Of course, there you are with all of those little ones! Do you have a support system (friends with kids or family to watch the kids?). I'm just thinking about you getting a break from time to time. It's so hard to take care of yourself esp. when your kids are little. You're homeschooling, so do you have a support system there? The homeschoolers I know have their own little subgroups for things like field trips, etc.

I also know what you mean about most people not being able to 'get it'. That's why this forum is so great. Keep reading these posts whenever you can. I find that when I'm really anxious, it usually calms me to log in and read a new thread.

Hereiam, Monarch, I too am a SAHM of twin girls (2 & 1/2) and a baby girl (13 mths). I don't have any therapy and don't get any support from the adults I have in my life. My husband is not only unsupportive, he constantly questions me and my parenting skills and generally treats me like shit (sorry 'bout the cussing, but it's true!). Sometimes I wish I had never had children with him so I could leave him and find someone who could be loving and supportive, not make me feel like I want to die. It has really helped me to see your thread and feel like there is someone out there like me. Thanks for having the courage to start it.

That is one of the hardest parts right now, and most different parts than when I was younger and went through these really tough parts where I feel like I am being buffeted from every direction by sensations and memories. I didn't have kids or even a husband back then. If I needed to go curl up in the fetal position or beat my bed with a baseball bat (yes I have done that just to get the anger out) I could.
Currently I am having quite a bit of dissociation right now and drifting back into my thoughts and memories and it is startling to come out and realize that I have to be here to take care of them.

My husband, while he doesn't really have a clue and doesn't really want one right now, does love me. He wants me to take better care of myself than I actually do. He tries to give me some time every weekend, and that is something. We have a trip planned in a month and are going away somewhere where the two of us can do absolutely nothing, the kids will be with family. I've already warned him I am going to be "selfish" on this trip. We have also talked about me periodically just getting away by myself. I just havn't felt comfortable doing it yet.

I have one friend who has been the greatest support in the world through this. She homeschools, Has been working on her PTSD recovery for years and has nearly 20 years sober. She and I provide childcare for each other so we can go to appointments and on occassion we can get together without kids and just talk. It is the first time I have ever had a friend that I do feel like I can pick up the phone and call. I just try not to make it too often, because that is just me - I don't want to be a bother.

I just hope that I can stop the family roller coaster here with my kids and not just keep passing the same crap down to each generation. My 7 year old is already sensitive enough to pick up that things just are not right. My four yr old has become whiney and my 2 yr old is clingy. Some of it is appropriate development and some I know is because they are just no quite sure who mom is going to be today. And, I'm not sure either.

Peace

HereIAm,
Welcome, sounds like you are on the best possible track. Aren't you so glad you have found your therapist? They are lifesavers literally.
Miander if you are reading this keep it up. I hope you find support. I think there is hope for both of you.

Welcome to the forum.