Hello my name is Clara, and I believe I have PTSD. I remember various things from my childhood that are well, disturbing. It is like I knew about them for a long time but I never made the emotional connection to what happened to me. One thing that has helped me out a lot was truly realizing that none of it was my fault. I didn't "do" anything to make these things happen to me. The fault is in the person who perpetrated these disturbing things. I hope I am making sense. However, I have been subtly told not to trust my instincts,that it is my imagination, that I have a mental illness (which I do) bipolar but that does not cause my memories. So surprise you and me were "right" the whole time. Now that I know these things happened the feelings are coming up again. I am just letting them happen. Right now I am in a safe place. But, sometimes the process is excruciatingly painful(mentally) because all you want to do is block everything out but it comes out one way or another. I have had suicidal feelings for an awfully long time. I think those feelings have become part of my psyche. I really do not believe they are caused by my bipolar depression. I am sure it is aggrivating factor in it.

I also think I have a form of ADHD the inattention type its called which aggravates everything else. My mind does feel freer now that I got it all out of my system and my significant other truly on all levels understands all the pain I feel, and why I did some of the things I did. So I hopefully am on my way to healing. I know I need help with my"suicidal tendencies." Honestly, sometimes I just don't see another way out. I don't want to botch it up so I am not going to make anymore attempts. I am relatively optimistic because for the first time in my life I finally have back up in this battle. I hope that your journey is with as little pain as possible and that you can free your mind and finally deal with what happened head on. It is really hard and I really don't know if the Pain is worth it. But, I am stronger for it. I guess time will tell.

good luck everybody,

clara

"If my past is white, and my present gray, then my future must be black."

Hello Cleardawn66!

It sounds like you've come a hell of a long way in your recovery. Yes, facing up to the memories is like facing a wall of pain, but you have shown great courgae in doing just that. You have to work through what happened, to process it. But you know that. You're doing great already. It's good you've got support and even better that you really feel you're in a safe place. This site is a safe place too. Welcome!

Hi Clara,

Welcome to the forum. You know, from everything you said, you are just normal you know... with a little thing called PTSD added.

The suicidal thoughts are an issue clara, even if you have them under control, because you stated you have made attempts, which is a huge cry for help, and that is what we are here to do.

Guessing if you have PTSD is not really a good option, you need to get yourself assessed by a trauma expert to find out for sure exactly what is wrong. If you are not having anger, anxiety and depression issues, then you certainly don't need medication, as that would most likely only worsten the suicidal thoughts.

It is great that everything is now coming through for you, but if that is the case, and you do have PTSD, then your going to get a huge symptom outbreak soon, one which you know is coming I think, but you need to be prepared for it and have doctors to fall back upon if you need them for immediate medication to help suppress some of the initial problems. Even better, track down a good naturopath in your area and go and discuss your suicidal thoughts and possible PTSD with them, and see if they can give you something that is a bit less effective on the body side effect wise, but hits the core of the problem.

Your doing great clara, just by posting here, a big step forward. Diagnosis is a must, so your not gambling with your illness.

welcome Clara.
I'm glad you've found us...I hope the healing has begun.

thanks for your support guys. My Pdoc and my husband do not like to label me because I pretty much do it for myself. Even if I don't have PTSD I probably have some of the same behavioural issues everybody else is dealing with. The meds I take are for bipolar but maybe they also double as an aid to help some of those PtSD feelings I have.

Clara, you would be a perfect test subject if you like, to use the new PTSD diagnosis form I have just released. Read it as you go, have your spouse with you, and remember it is based on your worst time, not how you feel currently. I would love to hear the results from you actually if you PM them, or if you want to post the overview of results that the score provides.

It would certainly be appreciated anyway, and possibly give you some insight to whether or not you do have PTSD.

welcome Clara!