Your comments were really appreciated, so thanks to those who answered.

I get sick everytime I think of it and my PTSD is getting worse by the day but I guess it is time to deal with it, although, I have to admit that denial is a happier place to be.

I don't think I ever will forget sitting at the computer and reading the first story....sick and shocked all at once. I guess it is pretty clear what I can live with and what I can't.

Unfortunately, I have just finished my contract job so I have no money and no family or friends I can stay with.

That wasn't meant to sound like I am whining it is just what I have to deal with right now.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to live in a situation like this without be destroyed at the same time?

If only we lived in a fairy tale and could wish things away!

But, I wanted to let you know that your support means a great deal to me, so thanks once again for your kindness and understanding, and to those of you that thought you were being blunt, sometimes that's what is needed to get a point across when logic has temporaly left home :)

i can't imagine what you're going through, but i am praying for your situation. i can't even say much, just readiing it has made me shake. please don't allow things to continue as is.
cathy

Moey, don't let money hold you in a place where you are scared, there is always a way out, always. You just have to be willing to find it.

Wow, that's pretty tough. Honestly, things like that don't pop. I'm not a big person on pointing the finger at anyone, but to even subject you to that type of thing is quite frankly, abuse. There are several community organizations in all areas that help people in that type of situation. It could get worse, but for me, why wait. Especially with something like that. Really, if this was to continue to occur, you would be an "accomplice" should anything happen. You need to think about you first and deal with the rest later. I was lucky that my union had a housing loan so I could move to a more peaceful surrounding for me and my son and my sanity. Shop around in the phone book and also look to your county government, city organizations and national organizations. There's always a hand out to help, without having to be too specific as well; for your own protection for now.

I really wanted to say a lot more worse things, but I think you already feel the brunt of your experience and it doesn't help to have me saying my one, two, threes. . . I personally would get out or get him out. Period, no chance.

As a victim of former childhood sexual abuse and mother to a 2 y/o, I feel absolutely sick right now and if I were you, I would leave him...Now. Then, I would call the police & have him dealt with. But, that's just me. I'm the one who took my grandfather to court when I was a kid & was disowned by my entire family for over 16 years. But, at least he never had a chance to hurt anyone else & I can rest easy knowing that!

Everyone is tippy toeing and I may piss you off but on this I do not care. First off Bec is off on her idea of sentencing here. Big time. Guys get caught WITH a kid normally get 5 years probation first time (I had a hub who is a detective now and did way too many backgrounds). Second PTSD and the like aside if you had spy ware **** that. I will be blunt and say if you know of something wrong then you are part of the problem by not standing up. PTSD is not an excuse. It does not excuse crimes nor a blind eye of yours. You need to turn your computer over to the police and those who REALLY know how to pull it apart and not contribute by ignoring. My first reaction would most likely be an axe to my desk - lap top (I still have temper issues)... But the wise moral choice would be to the local PD or the FBI (if U.S.). If you are not part of the solution you are part of the ... You figure it out. Sorry, I will not dress this up by any means to spare feelings.

I just got to this post and it left me ill and shaking. Do the right thing. Not what makes everyone comfortable and this is not something you can cover your eyes and it will go away. Again having PTSD is NOT an excuse. How many piles of shit need to accumulate in the cat box before it stinks so bad you need to take it out???

ETA - You can delete and so can he until the cows come home, the police can recover anything. Nothing is ever really deleted.

have to agree with veiled. In my opinion you are making excuses for yourself and for him, there are no excuses for his behavior. You need to go to the nearest police/FBI station and turn in the computer. You can get assistance finding a place to stay in small or large communities through the police department and various church groups/ etc. If need be, call a crisis center first. Just do something for yourself, those children, and any future children that could be effected by the person doing this shit! In my opinion the only right now you need to deal with, is immediately taking care of this. This isn't about having money or the right place to go - it's about doing the right thing.
I'm sorry that you are going through this and that he chose to put you in this position, but you need to stop it NOW!

jmp

Thank you to all of those that replied to my posting.

I finally left him. He really did not feel there was anything wrong with reading child porn stories and said I was making too much out of it. He also said that he was fine if I wanted to sleep with other men. When I was upset over that comment (he has made it a few times) he said I was just upset he wasn't the jealous type. I said I was upset because he was committed to our marriage. He again said I was making too big of a deal out of it.

So I told him I couldn't live with these problems. He said fine, you don't like the apartment so you can move out. He said that if I wanted to make him the bad guy fine but I was the one with serious emotional problems. It was so cold.

I know everyone probably thinks of course you should have let the marriage go.

So why am I feeling so incredibly sad and upset? What is wrong with me that I can't just let it all go?

I can't sleep, eat and can hardly do my job part-time even.

It also brought back so many childhood memories.

I want desperately to move on but I feel stuck in a box with no where to go in life.

Can someone please make some suggestions on how to deal with this.

I don't know why I am not just relieved....what is wrong with me?

Thanks everyone!

I'm afraid you might just have to go through this a moment at a time. do you have any other support system besides this forum? If not maybe you should get some help. God knows you don't need to go through this alone. I'm having a hard time just reading this. You must be in hell. Please see a therapist or clergy or something. you're obviously in crisis. I don't know, this is the best I have to offer on this one. My heart goes out to you.

It seems to me it comes down to what you are willing to live with. Someone said you are between a rock and a hard place. What is the worst possible outcome you can imagine for any of the actions or inactions you take? Which of those are you willing to live with months or years from now? This has to be a very painful position for you and I am sorry there is no easy way out for you. Again which option can you live with in times to come? For those of us who have been severly abused sexually it is a very emotional issue so I will give no opinion on what move to make as I cannot be objective.
Eagle