Well, this is a big one that I have been working on for a year now. The suicidal thoughts and triggers. After my public meltdown and suicide attempt, ending up in an ambulance, hospital and then the psych-ward after that I was pretty much starting at square one. I would have horrible dreams of cutting off my own arms, very disturbing. So much self-hate and rage toward myself. I of course was hiding this from everyone including my therapist because I didn't want them to think I was nuts. Slowly those horrible nightmares and thoughts subsided as I talked about it with my therapist (Doug). Anyway, I still have had a problem with cutting when I get anxious and don't know what to do. In the last 2 months I have begun to use more effective coping skills such as being around people instead of isolating myself, taking a break, reading a book, just basically switching gears. So I haven't cut in 2 months now and I think this week I really honestly gave up the thought of suicide as an option. I realized that I have to face my past, my triggers, my inner hurt and rage and work on it, work hard on it to get better because I want to live here. That is HUGE!

Part of this came about because I just came back from a home building trip in Guatemala. We were in this little village where these people barely make it day to day and we were building homes for people that would never have one otherwise. When they explained what it meant to them, for us to come pay for and help build their homes for their families it was amazing. I totally think God spoke through them to me and said " you make a difference in this World, you are important". I felt that if they could have the strength to live everyday and be happy and open and loving I should certainly be able to as well. Truly amazing.

Monarch,

You're right...it is huge. Congrats! Deciding to stop hurting yourself and deal with your life is a wonderful decision. It's not going to be an easy thing to do, but it's so worth it.

Thank you for sharing this with us.
Lisa

Thanks for the props, I really feel good about this and glad to finally be able to put it behind me, and gain some control.

Monarch, so so proud of you for discovering the most important self realization that matters most to you.... life. You can now see that there are other ways to cope, you help others as part of the person you merely are, and not for other self indulgent reasons. Very proud of you and extremely well done. You really should reward yourself IMHO... you have moved to a far better place where you can get on with going forward without such huge stumbling blocks within your path now, all of which we choose whether those blocks exist or not.

Well done....

Thanks...I think part of it was coming here, talking to people and realizing that everything I experience, all the problems and fears, everyone else here does too. I guess I finally realized that I am not alone and there is a way to heal. It is good to talk and listen to the people around here, it really is healing.

This is still very hard for me, it sucks but it is SO hard. I had a blowout with someone at work, I had to leave the building because I started to get emotional. Anyway, I won't go into huge detail but I completely blamed myself, punched my window in my car, I could see myself driving off a bridge so I went for a walk in the rain instead. I was still angry at myself and when I got back to my car I wanted to put my hand in the door and slam it as hard as i could, break my hand. It would give me something else to concentrate on, the pain. Instead I put my hand in the door and put my weight against the door, just enough to hurt my hand, bruise it a little but not break it. That helped a little I did the right thing, but then I was shameful of it, thinking to myself that I am a freak for doing such a wierd thing. I talked to my therapist about it yesterday and he said I am not a freak and I made a good decision, I thought it through and that was the best thing I could do at the time. I still have to work on not going to self harm at all but I didn't cut, I didn't punch myself I just caused a little pain instead of alot of pain.

Monarch, I hope this doesn't offend you, but may I offer my prayers? If you're cool with that, then consider it done. If you're not, then I'll respect your wishes.

I always take prayers, thanks and that would never offend me.

Overcoming self harm took me a long time. I understand the impulse. Not to mention suicidal thoughts...

You did make the best decision you could. It's important to cut yourself some slack, and identify that ANYTHING different when it comes to self harm is good in relation to trying not to cause as much damage etc.... its ultimately a step in the right direction. For me, the first was delaying when I would self harm. This was the longest and hardest, as I felt that in the end it always got me. But I did learn to sit with emotion better than I did. Then I learned to break the cycle of always self harming with certain emotions. I almost felt disloyal to the one and only thing that helped me. I guess my point is that the fact that you leant on your hand rather than breaking it shows intention to change it. Well done, that's pretty big too you know.

Your committed decision to live was great to read. It can be hard to let go of the one thing that you think is the ultimate get out clause, often it is as much about safety as it is desperation. It's scary to commit to life, no matter what. One I still struggle with. But I think it's amazing, this corner you have turned.

My hat goes off to you.

Lisa

For me what works when I have those thoughts is my own history. Too many people hate me (I don't exactly love them either) and wish I was dead. If I did myself in, they'd be happy. So.... so long as I'm still alive they are inconvenianced.

My life DOES have a purpose after all!