That constant realization, grounding and realistic things are very important, I get that. The paranoia is definately hard for me to get over, usually people can see it in me though, I assume they can't see it in you any longer. This is really going to be a battle of the mind i suppose. I do know that I have to stay in control although I do have times when I feel out of control or I want to be out of control and I have to remember that and either work at being in control or removing myself from the situation. Thanks for that it is good to call them "unrealistic thoughts".

BTW Anthony, this thread has been great for me. I am figuring out the whole "control" thing. To be out of control for so long and finally I am feeling in control and I wonder " why the hell didn't I do this before"! Talk more about that control, is it all about retraining my brain? Is being impulsive part of PTSD, I am pretty impulsive. Here is something wierd but funny. For the first time ever in my life I went the the salon to get my hair cut and just asked her to trim it. First time, what I have always done is get a new style everytime, constantly changing my hair. I think about that differently now, I didn't know why or even acknowledge it before. I was running away without really doing it, trying to change my appearance, hide and not let people get to know me, that is all just part of this. amazing.

No, people can see it in me at times. Nicolette usually picks any slight changes in me, even if my eyes change, expression, anything, she is typically very accurate with changes in me. So this means people can pick them up, its just I don't typically change too much anymore, compared to when I could be up and down all day, every day, now it might only be a change once a week or the like, where she can pick something within me, usually around the same time as a little paranoia may sneak up on me. Its totally normal with PTSD, its just about the control aspect of our mind.

Yes, it is all about retraining your brain in relation to management of PTSD. Retraining your brain does play a role in healing existing trauma, because if you have thought since trauma that something was your fault, and someone comes along and looks at the facts presented, then can show a completely different process, ie. your not at fault after all, then it is still an individual aspect to accept or reject the statement. If one accepts the new information, say to themselves something like, "hang on a minute, I have been blaming myself all these years, and have never thought about it that way and this new information shines a whole new light on my thoughts!" That is accepting that maybe your thoughts where wrong, and maybe you should be more open to consider a wider viewpoint! Typically, this is where retraining the brain comes into play in conjuction with healing, as a sufferer has had this thought for years, so they believe that, and now they must retrain their thoughts, kicking out the old negative and replacing with the more factual positive thought, or new information. It is easier for the human mind to accept a negative than it is a positive, this is factual scientific information and conclusive studies. The brain endures and will find the negatives before the positives, because society dictates our learning to focus on bad, not good.

It often makes me laugh when people refer natural therapies to having become a tree hugging hippie, which again is a social aspect that directly correlates within the mind. Most believe if you adopt any natural therapeudic treatments, then you must adopt this tree hugging hippie lifestyle to achieve state of mind. Wrong... Those that fall into that lifestyle, often lost control of their mind before they even began the process, because they succumb to something they fail to understand, being social beliefs.

To control your mind is an art, and whilst the majority of society believe they can do it, you truly don't learn you have little control over your mind until such time as your influenced by something like PTSD. That's about the time a person learns they truly have no current control over their mind, because if we did, we wouldn't have PTSD in the first place, as we would have correctly processed our trauma through talking, seeking help, guidance, etc. We don't though, we endure and shut our mouths tight, thinking that the world will not believe us, hate us, depise us, etc.

Thinking styles are what its primarily about. We make our own choices, nobody else. You either choose to use the negative thinking style which comes so easy or you choose to use the positive thinking style which comes only with a lot of work to become an instinctive tool and way of life for you. People love easy, hence they fail a lot. It is nothing new that to achieve excellence takes work, and that is no different when referring the same to taking control of your minds thoughts and decisions towards your own life. You must want it, not just think you want it, in order to actively begin changing your life. It takes years to achieve, but it is achievable. It takes something like 30 days for the mind to release a negative thinking style and replace it with a positive. So if your changing a few at a time, you will slip up, you will release a negative thinking style, though as you change, you will catch it, stop, pause, apologize if necessary, and change to the positive, continue until such time as the negative is only a thought and no longer words come out, instead only the positive words / statements come from you, or you simply say nothing at all.

An assertive personality is the target. Don't be a doormat and let people walk all over you, though don't be an aggressive negative influence upon yourself and others.

The negative thinking style is a hard thing to get over, I see it in many different aspects of my life and it is always my first instinct, so you are totally right on there. When you first started to change that did it take alot out of you? Meaning, did you have to rest and not have the physical or emotional energy to do anything else. I find myself just worn out from trying to change those thoughts around to positive self talk. It is a huge struggle sometimes to wrap my mind around the fact that the negative image is wrong and that I am wrong, how could I be wrong? It is all so crazy and like I said it will take the wind out of my sails often. I do see that i am getting better with it though, it is just practice, practice, practice. What else do I have to work on? I have opened up about my trauma's here, in therapy we are still going through them though and that gets disturbing but i already see that i am looking at things from a different perspective, my therp. is impressed by that. I do it really without even realizing it anymore although I don't always have a positive outcome.

As for the assertive personality, that I have to work on because i am either hot or cold. I can either walk away and shut down or a get in ther persons face and get loud, when that happens sometimes I don't even remember the incident. Truly people will tell me i was scary and I am thinking all I did was get a little mad at someone and let them know that. That is annoying because I don't see it, how can I see that?

Monica, it is hard work, yes. It takes a lot of time, and this is why I say to people that healing your past trauma is usually the shortest aspect, learning how to manage PTSD takes years because you must now learn to change your personality knowingly vs. your personality changed slowly as PTSD developed, little by little, until it was simply all bad. The harder you work on yourself, the quicker it becomes less straining for you. It will always be a battle for you, have no doubt, but its the size of the battle you fight that changes. I still develop and learn every day, yet it doesn't drain me anymore. Whilst I have changed my thoughts to now be instinctive, to counter the negative with positive, to think before I speak, to rationalize, I still have the negative thoughts, its merely my brain immediately redirects them out and replaces them with a broader thought, less aggressive, open to new things, respect other opinions, etc. I still slip up, but even recognizing that and immediately apologizing and replacing the negative, or countering it, thinking for a few seconds to get out exactly what your trying too in a more positive way. It is constant work, though the effort becomes less as you get better at it.
That is the aim, were you can see a difference your making to yourself and your life. You will see others respond to you differently, because your response is more open. The more assertive you become the better your response will become. You will recognize and approach another who is aggressive towards you with ease and comfort, allowing them a little room and understanding, though if they attack you to hurt, then your personality says walk away or deal with the situation, whatever the right choice is for you. Its a constant learning, though recognizing that our negative thoughts, black and white thinking, all or nothing thoughts, are not correct. We are wrong, you are correct, and accepting that; changing that... it is tough to comprehend. Once you do though, its all downhill from there.
What you have to work on is yourself. You have to keep doing what your doing, and as you become better at it as is being recognized by you and your therapist, you then taper aspects out of your life, ie. having to talk about issues that you believe no longer bother you, therapy can be cut back, but you can never stop working on yourself nor analysing yourself, because PTSD will jump you that quick if you think you can let your guard down. Control it, not let it control you. To control something takes constant presence, a presence you must always now maintain within you, consciously be aware that negative thoughts, PTSD, will sneak up on you if you let it, even if you don't let it, it will, but you must catch it quickly. The better you know yourself, the better you will manage your PTSD.
That is black or white thinking style, all or nothing, negative thinking style. You must adapt to change it, instead of responding use pauses in order to allow your mind to process the information correctly, before response. That way you will never respond and then regret it, you will instead be accepting off all your responses because they will truly reflect your true emotional intent, not a negative PTSD one. If you have to pause, think, even tell a person to wait a second whilst you think about the information and find the words that truely reflect what you want to say, say that instead of something you will regret, or don't truly feel, ie. anger is not a feeling, its a response to another feeling.

Its sounds as though your starting to "get it" though monica, and that is promising. It takes every person time to discover this uniquely. Some do it quicker than others. Well done for finding what you are finding, and realising the positive change you can have to influence your own life. Some will never find it because they cannot accept that their PTSD thinking style is wrong, they believe they are right and will never change. Well done to you....

This is very important to me, I need to learn to slow that down and not jump off and react. I am learning so much about myself and really taking the time to figure out where I have gone wrong. When someone like you or my therp. point it out, it is almost like "ah-ha, that is totally wrong, now what can I do to fix it". I guess that i realize that not everyone in my life can be wrong if they all see the same thing separately so it must be me. Thanks, I am also starting to taper off my meds, dropping from 25mg of paxil to 12.5mg for the next 6 weeks and then probably another drop from there and hopefully will be off of them totally in the next couple of months. That will feel good, it will give me the opportunity to learn more about how to control my anxiety instead of letting the meds do it.

For once I am truly excited about the future and I hope it stays that way.

Monica

Positive news... just remember, take it easy on yourself, don't give yourself a hard time when things go to shit, because they will, that is guaranteed. Work through the problems and you will come out the other side. Medication withdrawal is intense, it will shake you and make you believe everything you've done or learnt was a failure, but it isn't, its merely your body reacting to withdrawals. Keep up the great work.

Thanks for your encouragement and truth! In other good news, I got a new job! The one I wanted and I start Sept. 4th so I have a couple more weeks. Hopefully this won't effect getting off my meds. Since I have a couple of weeks, if things start looking bad then I will get back on and wait awhile to try again. This is something I want to do though, I am finally ready to be honest with everyone especially myself. I will keep in mind to not give myself a hard time.

Monica

Anthony, you are right about the withdrawl and I appreciate you telling me that, it is helping me to focus on the fact that it is just the meds and not me I just have to work through it. I am sleeping alot, don't know if that is normal but I feel tired all the time, that sucks being that i am a Mom. Hopefully I will get past that before I start my new job. Fun shit....NOT!