Throughout the hour and a half of my ordeal, he asked the same questions over and over, telling me get undressed and re dressed with my face in the dirt. There are things i remember and thinds i don't. I specifically flashed on a moment where I got defensive and answered him with a sir at the end, with attitude in it. My mind goes white after that and my hands are frozen and shaking, and my body feels numb. Now I'm going to cry and get high to keep from cutting.
I hate this.

Tiana,

I am so sorry that you are in such pain right now. I just want you to know I understand. I am struggling with flash backs too. Mine happen mostly in the middle of the night. Its like I become a different person in a different place for a while. I am getting better at coping, slowly but surely. Tiana, I know it seems like a sudden fix, but cutting doesn't make things better. I am just saying this from experience. It only helps very temporarily then you end up feeling much worse for having done it. A real good friend of mine one time ask me why I was treating myself like a piece of meat. Boy did that open my eyes. I am glad you are here on the forum. There are so many awesome people here that have big hearts and are willing to listen and care. I hope you are able to feel better soon and get through this bad time. There is hope and healing, it just takes time and hard work. When you feel like it and are able, try reading some of the information on this forum. I have found it to be very helpful. Take gentle care of yourself, OK.
Marilyn

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom. I was able to keep from cutting, which helps a lot: no bright red reminder of my loss of control. I was up all night last night, and instead of engaging in destructive behavior, I came to this forum and read a bit. It really helped!
I'm so happy I found this forum. I look forward to being able to use it as a safe place to find friends who understand, as well as a tool for betterment.

Tiana, great job! You did the right thing, it is all so hard, we all know that, so freaki'n hard, but you did good!

Thanks Monarch, that, means so much! :-)