So I need some opinions on this...


Tonight while fooling around on the computer I came across my son's my space profile. I almost cried. My son will be 19 in Aug. I have not seen him in almost 12 years.

I gave his dad custody when J was about 5 (in 93 after my mom died). At the time I thought it the best decision as it would provide him with some stability. I continued to see him for about a year after that. I then moved to another town and was out of contact for about 3 mo (his dad knew that this was going to happen). When I tried to resume contact his dad stalled. It took almost a year but after leveling a couple of threats he agreed to bring him out.

I saw him twice. The last time was on Mother's Day. We walked up and had the kid's (him and his sister's) pictures taken at Sears. On the way home J ran into the middle of a freeway off-ramp saying he "just wanted to die like ****" , a family friend who had commited suicide a couple of years before.

I tried to talk to his dad but got a limited response. Then I talked to a lawyer and got some really bad advise. The lawyer looked at court records and said that his dad had never filed the court papers. That technically I still had custody. This was actually untrue (the papers were filed under J's name which they should not have been but anyway she never checked that). She told me just to keep J so that he could get counceling. Actually what I told his dad was that I would not let him take J until I saw the papers and to bring them with. He didn't and I didn't let J go. He was also very late in picking him up and had been drinking - he did have a friend with him so maybe Monty was going to drive. The police were called and eventually J went with his dad. A week or so later I got a letter saying that
I could see J only if his dad approved. This was from his dad's lawyer not a court order or anything. Shortly there after they moved and I have not heard from them since.

So my dilema is this. I really want to send J a message. I can do that through My Space. The thing is his dad raised him. And as angry as I was at the time I have mostly forgiven him. I pretty much figure we were both young and stupid and really scared. Anyway, not only do I have no idea what has been said about me (he calls someone else mom - that much I do know) but I am not looking to step on toes either. But this is my baby and I want to see what he looks like and hear his voice.

So this is my question. Do I send him a message (don't have a clue what to say) or do I write his dad a letter (first) letting him know I will be contacting J so that he can be prepared?

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Jet

Hello Jet, my opinion is this, I think its ok to send your son a message direct. He's 19 so he's old enough to make his own mind up about replying to you and what he wants out of a relationship with you. You could send his dad a message as a courtesy but I dont think its needed. I think its important to think what you want or need out of the situation and be prepared for not getting what you want. Put yourself in your sons position, he might find it quite hard at first but who know's. You might give him something to think about that he doesn't act on straight away but considers. All im all its a gamble but if you want to make contact you should do it. Good luck.

Claire

Ok, so there is no way that I won't contact him. I have waited for years and I will not let the opportunity pass by. I just don't know how to go about it exactly. With as little drama as possible I guess.

In truth I am not completely certain what his dad's reaction might be. We were both pretty screwed up back then and things were pretty ugly at the end. At the same time I can't picture him not expecting this on some level. He knows me too well and he knows what J means to me.

I am also worried that I may be a huge dissapointment. I am sort of screwed up at the moment. I am working on it but life is still a challange. And from his profile J is not quite the person I expected him to be, although when I think about it I suppose it is not as surprising as I first thought.

Anyway I am thinking about something like this.

J,

If you ever feel like talking get back to me at .............@yahoo.com

Love,

I feel like something simple like that is most appropriate because it is a public space after all and also I do not want to overwhelm him with a bunch of emotional crap all at once. I want him to feel like it is ok to say no if he wants.

Hello Jet, I think that's a good idea. I was going to suggest keeping if brief. Maybe you could say a little about you?

I think you are being negative saying you feel you might be a disappointment to him because of your difficulties. How do you know? if he was having trouble in his life would you think the same of him? I think you should leave it to him to make his own opinions of you, not guess what he may or may not think.

14 years is a long time. Hopefully he'll understand that and at least afford you the chance to show him that things have changed.

Well, I did it. Not sure if I said the right thing or not. I guess it is wait and see at this point.

Really this has brought up a whole lot of stuff I thought I had left behind. I am so angry. I feel like I have to explain...to apologise for something that I did not do and that was for the most part out of my control.

I made my mistakes and I have no issue fessing up to them. But I NEVER left him. His dad took him. I feel like in order to make myself...I don't wanna say the good guy because that is not quite what I mean, I guess to make myself not the bad guy, I will have to say some really negative things about his dad.
And I have never been about that.

Yes, I probably could have fought harder. Could have not bowed out when I recieved the letter from his dad's attorney. But the truth is I was on the losing end. I could not even afford to talk to an attorney on the phone. C had a high powered friend of his dad's who was willing to do it for nothing except court costs. So, yes I could have fought but in the end it would have done nothing but cause my son extensive emotional damage (and we are talking about a 6 year old who was already talking about suicide). I just wanted him to hurt as little as possible.

When I say that I am afraid that he may be disapointed, well that is a very real fear. J was raised in a family where they have very little patience for the difficulties of others. His dad suffered depression issues (not sure what his actual dx was but he was pretty bad) for years. He had his first "breakdown" at 16. For a while they had him in counceling but within a short period that ended and they started heaping the pressure on him. When J came along it only got worse...then he was expected to be the perfect father, the perfect son, the perfect student, the perfect husband, and the perfect employee. There was no room for failure and we all suffered for it.

Jet My greatest respect goes out to you for your most difficult task ever. My daughter is now 37, but I have not seen her or heard from
her since 1992. She is extremely bitter towards me since My Disease raised her rather than a real mom. She has every reason to feel as she does. I pray someday to be able to speak with her and explain. I pray you hear from your child. I admire you for opening the door. You are so lucky to have found a way to communicate with your child. I am very envious. I have no clue where my kid is. IF you kid answers--treasure every word and second you 2 guys share. My heart is aching but I am so happy for you Go for it and enjoy Hurting Herc

Writing this was probably the hardest, scariest thing I have ever done. I wanted so much to say the "right" thing. Unfortunately there is really no such thing.

At first I was only going to leave my email address and a short note. I did not want to put a bunch of pressure on him. To make him feel like he had to respond. But then I thought about it some more (it took like 5 hours of writing to even come up with the short note I did send) and decided that as this might be my only chance to say anything at all I should probably say something. I don't know how good it is but this is what I wrote...

Dear J,

Forgive me for not knowing what to say. I have thought about this for so long you would think that I would have it all figured out. But my mind is blank. Honestly I am scared to death, completely terrified.

Last night, after finding your page on My Space I sat up for hours just staring at it. Reading your words and trying to picture the man you have grown up to be instead of the little boy I remember. And now I am sitting here crying while I stumble over words. It's like you are all of a sudden real, not part of my wishful thinking.

I love you! Maybe I will never get the chance to say that again so I am saying it now. I love you and I miss you. Not a day has gone by that you have not been in my thoughts, my prayers, and my heart. I have carried you with me always. You were never forgotten and always loved.

My life has been hard. I won't lie about that and I won't look down in shame either. I was diagnosed with PTSD ten years ago but have had it most of my life. I carry scars and probably always will.

I am sorry if I let you down. I never wanted to see you hurt. You were the love of my life and I would have cut my own throat before intentionally causing you to shed a tear.

Anyway, I am going to let you go. Before I chicken out and find myself unable to hit the send button. If you ever feel like you want to talk you can get back to me at ******@yahoo.com or (206)***-****.

Love and Blessings,
Jackie




I know that he has read it so now all I can do is wait to see if he replies or not. If he doesn't then at least I will have told him I love him. And I did not go into a shpeal about how awful his dad was.

Oh, by the way. My boy is a rapper. If anyone feels like checking out his stuff they can go to My Space - Look for Dead Leaves Ink- that's the bands space not his.

Oh Jet ! You have expressed almost a perfect expression of a mother's love for a lost child. It is exactly what I would like to say to my daughter if I ever got the chance. I pray you get the response you are hoping to get.

Keep use posted on the outcome Love Luck Herc

This has really touched me.

I'm wishing you the best with this, and hope that he contacts you back soon.

Lisa.