I thought I was finished with this thread. Oh how I wish I were. If only I could forgive and forget this whole period of time. And, yet I did successfully do so once for a long period of time and now only to have it return resulting from triggers: words, concepts, phrases, people, witness, awarenesses, my own sexuality and articles. Articles like this one: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18368218/site/newsweek/

It's a whole period of time that hurts. Deep, deep pain and hurt with being so isolated, and so alone. With seeing and knowing too much and having to pretend I didn't know in order to stay alive. With not seeing and knowing what I should have and didn't, in order to stay alive. I dread facing the reality of all of it and with my confrontation with all my feelings. Deep feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, terror, doubt and unworthiness. And, though I know I didn't deserve it, neither did the others that I both witnessed and overheard had succumbed to the deprivation of truth, rejection, onslaught of intimidation/pressure, control (misuse of power), indifference and selfish hatred.

I really hope it's ok to say this. As so often I want to omit what I'm really thinking and feeling to appease others and discourage rejection and attack.

Since participating in the forum and being reminded and validated of everything I always known about how cruel and unjust this world and it's people is to one another, and looking at and owning my many varied traumas with all its emotion, effect and nightmarish horror, and then looking at my past and how poorly equipped I was, and set-up, I was then, to become the abuser. (most especially self-abuse, but then emot./verb. threathening and abusive towards my mother at times). I'm disgusted with this whole freakin' PTSD and alcoholism diagnosis and thing.

I'm feeling disgusted right now. So embarrassed, so ashamed, so regretful and remorseful and angry at reality as it is. I go in and out of my dark times often now. I want out again! and I found out, once. And, though I'm still confused as to what those mo.'s and yrs. were the result of I tend to believe it was all about God's love and forgiveness and my willingness and desire to put God first and foremost, trusting in him bottom-line. I tend to believe it was about me conforming my once abandonded truth with his truth in action, and through my acceptance of him and his standards for me and my life. Life was good then. Pain was minimized, brief and surmountable. Trustworthy, loving people appeared in my daily life and world seemingly out of know where. I was positive, only vaguely aware yet forgiving of the past and living in the present. Each day felt safe, was new, good and positive and yes even those days filled with many trials.

And, then life and responsibilities became to much. Family members were welcomed back into my life and other family and acquaintances all started to resemble in behavior and/or nature that of my abusers. I responded with a failure to learn, grow and continue to heal. I blamed and rejected God and most people. I concluded by rejecting and abandoning myself and I was lost.

Lost..........Lost............Lost.....Freakin lost AGAIN!

Failing to take care of myself and my health and angry again at God and people and the idea of free will I relapsed into such a feeling of helplessness, powerlessness, self-pitying and a negative frame of mind and stayed there in that inertia, for sometime, too long for me, and quite frankly life didn't feel much like it was worth living. My old freakin hell that I once had survived, had desired me again, was fit and suited to reclaim me and my life.

I know I'm ramblin now. And, I've had some fairly good PRN medicated evenings lately. Three to be precise, and I'm ashamed of it, bc I'm still freakin brainwashed with the ridiculous, foolishness that by temporarily needing and treating my PTSD with meds makes me worthless. I know this is a lie, and I'd never think this was true of anyone else, bc I seldom judge others and certainly no one here, bc we've all been through and survived one form of traumatic hell or the other, but with myself and given the nature of some of my trauma and experiences, I still believe that I should be stronger. What freakin bullsh't this is.

I just know last Thurs. following evenings of recalling and reliving flashbacks, and with Wed.'s post and then the great responsibilities of that day and into the late evening, (with all its misunderstanding and arguement) I spent Thurs. completely in panic unable to walk and think, repeatedly falling and pulling myself around the floors of my house.

I couldn't walk and it was so frightening, and no one was home and I couldn't think to respond to anything externally for far to long. And the feelings that I felt were helplessness and trapped. Trapped! ...so freakin weak, vulnerable, ashamed, bad and trapped.

I can't do this anymore. I hope you'all won't be seeing me around here much for sometime. I really hope this, and I'll miss you. I Love you all and have so much respect and gratitude to so so so many of you, many of whom I've had little to no time to chat with or respond to. I truly wish each one of you so much healing and love in your lives,

and I too intend to continue to seek hope, healing, life and truth, but for right now I have enorm. responsibilities, barriers and many of obstacles to accept, take action upon and overcome before I'm again ready to understand and know too much and/or confront, expose or publicly analyze the floods of emotion and trauma's pressing me and crying out for my attention.

Hoping this doesn't need to make a whole heck of a lot of sense to anyone in order for me to post. I guess it just needs being said tonight.

Again, please all take care of your health first and family, each other and everything else afterwards, and I'll try to do the same. This may be faulty thinking, who knows, I just know that no other order seems to work for me.

My Best to you!

Hope

I went through some crap tonight. Sudden deep emotions, yeah. 87 min.'s of a 90 min. AA meeting and I mostly enjoyed myself. I felt relaxed, accepting and tolerant and then in the las 3 min. went so freakin high listening to simple 'Highly Triggering' stupidity being spread and spoken like it's expert awareness and that All should grab hold of this ignorance and put it into immediate practice.

What it was all about was bullsh't. It was suggestive of shame, worthlessness and failure. The words were repeated: Nothing',.... Nothing',.... Nothing,....Nothing stronger than an aspirin or your not sober. She can take her solution to her addictions and tuck it where the sun don't shine. I can just now recall voices of past people saying, "You're only angry bc the truth hurts." And, "alcoholics don't like the truth... blah... blah... blah, alcoholics can't accept the truth."

Bullsh't, .......FAMOF, the Truth puts me at ease, makes me breath easier, allows me to just Be, and generally renders me happily quiet, by way of just having seen and come to know again that there are many others in this world that have a freakin clue.

I imagine I must sound pretty self-righteous right now, but that's not, IMHO, what my hurt, fear, frustration and anger is really all about on this subject. The ignorance and bullsh't is endless in AA meetings available for me to attend, and yet I still feel the need to subject myself to the likelihood of hearing and witnessing it at times. I like completely lose my tolerance for it too often and where does all the excess energy go....generally deep down inside me, bc my reality is that I just can't keep up with it all. Sitting back, feeling helpless and powerless while witnessing and experiencing others and myself be brainwashed by crap infuriates me bc it hurts me so deeply to not know how to protect myself and others, stop it all and make the abuse(r) go away.

There's little I can do about mine or others occasional ignorance and bullsh't, but spreading, constant non-stop crap...brainwashing at it's most dangerous to extremely vulnerable people and stupidly or manipulatively passing along damaging notions to unsuspecting others as if it's expertise or truth just pisses me off to no end.

There I vented. What I wrote about, it all affects me so darn badly bc it stimulates, mimics, and causes me to remember and remember and to relive and relive again certain traumas, and traumatic yrs. before and after I found AA at such a young age. Just a vent, nothing more.

Hope

Hi, dear Hope,

I've been taking a break from the forum, but have just now tried to keep up with your thread here. I haven't been able to digest everything--I'm going through a lot of pretty tough stuff on my own right now--but I am keeping you in prayer. Take care of yourself, dear, I continue to keep you in prayer and hope you can do the same for me.

Hun, I have always had a sleep disorder, and just manage around it now. But I have been to your state of mind countless times, and though it is extremely hard to gain, you have to give yourself permission to be in your postion. I usually get feelings of guilt for not doing what the quote unquote normal people can do with ease. But I have started not to bash myself, and indulge in my nothingness better now. I try to treat myself as the battered child I was, and that I need the down time. It does take work to do this, but it eventually lends to permission. I find with myself the safer I feel, to be on guard, cause that's when the real boomers hit. The mind is at rest and decides, ok, now deal with this. Ouch.
If it weren't for xanax, I could not handle my flashbacks. It is definitely my security blanket, just knowing I have it available to use, is a blessed bandade.
It also helps when I cannot sleep, and we all need sleep due to the lack of it makes our minds race.
But I use it as a tool and not a crutch, I have a fear of being addicted to anything.
Where you are is normal for what you've been through, and you should try not to punish yourself even more, when you are in such a delicate place.
Try to envision yourself being the mom to the child within, and nurture yourself. I know it sounds hard, but all begins with babysteps.
We are so used to harsh reality, that we forget ourselves when we are injured.
It is quite ok to let the world whiz by, in fact it starts to become a mental vacation, you will see.
I wish I could take your pain away, but the pain is a symptom that needs to be relieved. I too love the sound of morning, I never slept as a child until it started getting light out, and then I got maybe an hour or two. Light meant safety for a few hours.
I hope you can give yourself a break, and not worry so much about what you are doing, or lack there of, but more on why you need to do nothing sometimes.
I play videos when I am a nothing doing creature of this planet, and one of my self help books said if your childhood was robbed, be the child on occasions even if that means going to a toy store and buy a toy for yourself.
I do that all the time, and local kids reap the reward when I have had my fill on it.
Your a warrior, and need down time too.